


flung out of space

by littlelamplight



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, redemption arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-05-17 11:43:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 60,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5868007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelamplight/pseuds/littlelamplight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The silence from the Kryptonians ends when Astra crashes through Alex’s window.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Alex is standing in her kitchen, leaning on the counter, half way through the last bottle of alcohol in her apartment when something smashes through her window and lands in her living room with enough force to flip her couch before smashing into her coffee table.

She drops to the floor behind her counter, reflexively clutching the bottle to her chest, and swears violently under her breath. Her gun is in the living room, and she has absolutely no idea what has just crash landed in her apartment.

She peers around the edge of the counter, but from this angle, she can’t see anything.

Alex grits her teeth. Leaving the bottle on the ground, she grabs a knife and pulls her phone from her back pocket. She finds Kara’s number, and then slides it back into her pocket, ready to produce and call at a moment’s notice.

Then she rises from behind the counter, and slowly approaches the mess of glass and splinters, watching the feathers floating in the air above her overturned couch.

A shaking hand curls around the remnants of the frame of her coffee table, a hand stained with dirt and grime and blood, and then Astra pushes herself up off the floor with a groan.

In the time it takes for the woman to look up at her, Alex has wiped the surprise from her expression, and pulled the phone from her pocket, ready to call Kara in a second, and has dropped the knife. There is little point in pretending that she can harm the woman, but she does not back down.

‘What are you doing here, Astra?’

It is not the first question that comes to mind, but she does not want to ask why the woman crashed into her apartment, why her hands are shaking, why she looks dirty and injured. She feels thrown more by the state of the woman than by her presence there at all.

There is something very wrong with Astra. Her expression is undeniably pained, pinched around the eyes, her mouth turned down and twisted, and Alex allows herself to wonder what has happen in the time it takes the woman to speak.

‘Kara’, the woman gasps, and Alex sees the strain in her arms as she pushes herself into a standing position, sees them shake, ‘Kara’, she repeats, and Alex hears what sounds like desperation in her voice.

‘Supergirl isn’t here, Astra’. Alex keeps her voice level, despite the question of why the woman would believe that she would find her niece here - the nagging concern that comes with it, the worry that she could know the truth about their relationship. Astra’s head droops slightly, her back bowed, and after a moment’s hesitation, Alex decides that it is not an act.

Astra stands, swaying, and stares at Alex through eyes fogged with pain, but the set of her jaw is determined and strong and so familiar that it pulls at something in Alex’s heart. ‘You need to warn Kara’, the woman speaks sharply, as if she has to force the words from between her teeth, ‘Non has - I can’t protect her, I can’t stop him anymore and -’

‘How have you been protecting her?’ Alex doesn’t care in that moment that the woman looks like she’s keeping herself upright through sheer force of will, she can’t help the interruption, the incredulousness in her voice.

Anger flashes in Astra’s eyes, fire that Alex remembers, and the woman snaps, ‘why do you think you haven’t heard from my people since my release?’ A shudder runs through her body, and she reaches behind her for the edge of the overturned couch, but her eyes do not leave Alex’s, and her voice is steady when she says, ‘it doesn’t matter, not right now. Non is going after Kara, with the entire force of my army behind him’.

‘But he doesn’t know where to find her’, Alex hears the slight question in her voice, and has to hope, has to prey, that she is right, that Astra has come here for any other reason than that she knows of her relationship to Kara, because then their mother is in danger, too.

‘No, he doesn’t, but he’s gone to the place that represents her, and I know my niece well enough to recognise that she’ll be drawn out, regardless of the danger to herself’.

It takes Alex only a moment to understand what Astra is talking about, and she knows that the woman must hear how hard her heart slams against her ribs, that it kicks into overdrive, because Non might not understand that he’s going to the very same place that Kara is, but he’s going all the same.

She hits call and turns away from Astra, and in that moment, she doesn’t care if its a foolish thing to do.

Kara picks up on the third tone. ‘ _Hey Alex_ -'

‘Kara’, she says, trying to chose her words carefully even though there are a thousand tumbling over inside her head, ‘listen to me carefully. Non and his army are heading to CatCo right now’.

She hears something smash in the background, hears Cat Grant’s sharp admonishment. _‘What?! How does - how do you -’_

‘Kara, it doesn't matter. You just need to get Miss Grant and whoever else is in that building at get out before he arrives. You can’t take on an entire army, by yourself, unprepared’. _Please_ , she wonders if Kara hears the unspoken word, because she can’t plea, she can’t, its too familiar, and she’s not sure if it even matters, she can’t prevent Astra from uncovering something she might already know.

A pause. ‘Okay’, Alex lets out a breath she hadn’t been aware of holding, ‘okay. I’ll call you back’.

Alex disconnects the call and shuts her eyes, allowing herself a brief moment of reprieve. She puts her phone down on the kitchen bench and takes a deep breath. ‘I take it you heard all that?’

When Astra does not respond, Alex turns her head, searching for the woman in her peripheral vision. Astra appears to have righted the couch, and is sitting on it. Her head is bowed, dark hair swinging forward to hide her face, and in the moonlight the silver streak is white and startling.

Alex turns, frowning, and takes a small step forward. ‘Astra? What happened to you?’ she sounds more concerned than she would have liked, and wishes that she could have sounded more clinical. Weakness, she knows, is abhorrent to Astra.

The woman does not lift her head, and Alex wonders if she imagines that trembling in her shoulders. ‘Non grew… tired of my reluctance to act against Kara. He believed she needed to be brought down before we acted, which is of course true. He believed that my… fondness for Kara had affected my judgement. That when the time to act came, I would not be able to face her. He staged a coup’.

‘He tried to kill you?’ Alex tires to think about the immediate situation, rather than the knowledge that Non apparently shared the same opinion with Kara - from a different perspective.

Astra makes a noise of assent. ‘He used that knife of yours’. Her shoulders twitch, and she seems to twist, as if reaching for the knife that is no longer there. ‘It feels…’

Alex frowns. If Astra was stabbed with a knife, even one of kryptonite, she probably should have healed by now. She shouldn’t be acting as if there is still some within close range of her. ‘You crashed’, she says, making a needless gesture towards the destroyed coffee table. The question is clear.

Astra lifts her head then, and the pain in her eyes leaks through to her voice when she says, ‘I…I can feel it, still. I don’t know…’ she trails off, and Alex wonders if she imagines the shame that flickers over her expression, as if she hates that she cannot help this weakness.

‘Let me see’, the words leave Alex before she’s aware of the decision, and it sounds more like an order than a request.

Astra stands when Alex steps forward, and her grimace is sharp and twisted, pain ripping across her expression like the fire that was in her eyes. It is followed by cool, smooth glass, a practised, expressionless blank mask. Alex reaches out a hand, watching the trembling in Astra’s arms. ‘Astra’, she says, watching the way the woman shifts back until her shins hit the couch, ‘let me look. You should have healed’.

Astra looks at her, smooth cool glass that does nothing to hide the pain in her eyes, and Alex knows that the woman is remembering a cage and liquid kryptonite and other rougher, military hands. Alex takes a deep breath and says firmly, because she does not think that the woman would want or tolerate kindness, does not know if she wants or can give it, ‘you came to me, remember?’

Astra’s jaw clenches, but she turns her back on Alex, and Alex recognises it as a sign of trust. It is a small thing, but Kara would call it a start. Astra kneels on the couch, and Alex crosses the room quickly to turn the light on. Astra looks worse under the lights, covered in dirt and grime, and Alex wonders where she and Non fought, and for how long before he turned the knife on her.

She finds the wound with relative ease. A jagged tear in the woman’s suit, a tear edged with blood, leaking blood, beneath her right shoulder blade, between her ribs. She can see little else. She takes a deep breath, steeling against what must be asked. ‘Astra…’

Astra makes an impatient noise and gestures at the zipper at the base of her neck. Alex hesitates, and hates that it feels weighted. She presses the flat of her hand against Astra’s shoulder to pull the zipper down, and seeks to fill the silence as smooth skin is revealed. ‘You weren’t wearing your protective suit’.

‘I had no need to, at the time. I did not expect him to act when he did’.

Alex pulls the suit off Astra’s right shoulder, wanting to avoid touching her skin as much as possible, and doesn’t like how it feels like she’s pulling back the General’s barriers. Astra’s smooth skin is marred by several scars, and Alex forces herself not to stare, not to wonder where they came from. The wound looks ugly against her skin, and Alex touches the skin around it gently, lightly, testing the woman’s reaction. Astra doesn’t make a sound, but she seems to tense.

Alex takes a deep breath and focuses on the wound, ducking her head to peer closer. She doesn’t like how tense the air between them has become, and wants to break it. ‘Why did you come to me?’

Astra does tense then, and Alex is not sure if its because of what she said, or the pressure she puts around the wound. She watches the woman’s shoulder blades shift as she breathes. ‘I did not know where to find Kara, and I could not go to your headquarters’. Alex hears the dark tone to the woman’s voice, and knows then exactly what she is remembering. ‘You sided with my niece when she decided to make the exchange’. She pauses. ‘I could hear your heartbeat, Agent Danvers, when that General of yours brought out his tools. You did not condone what was done’.

Alex wonders if the woman can hear her heartbeat now. She takes a deep breath, tilting her head more to the side so that her head doesn’t block the light. ‘No, I did not’.

Astra says nothing more, and so Alex stays quiet. ‘Wait’, she says after a moment, feeling something hard beneath her fingers, ‘can you lie down?’

She stands before Astra can respond and grabs her phone from the counter. There are no calls from Kara, and nothing from Hank, so she just has to hope. She flicks on the torch in her phone, and then turns back. Astra is lying on her front as requested, watching her with an odd look, something calculating maybe, something analysing.

Alex holds the phone at an angle, pressing her other hand flat against Astra’s back, and tries to ignore how warm and soft her skin is. She can feel strong muscle beneath the smooth skin, and the ridge of a scar against the tips of her fingers. She can feel Astra shiver, and wonders if her hand is cold.

She sees it, the hard thing that caught her attention, a glimmer of green lodged deep beneath her skin. ‘Shit’, she says, and pulls back, pulling the zipper up for the woman as an afterthought. ‘The blade broke’.

Astra sits up the moment Alex’s hands leave her, pulls away like she’s been burned, but her expression is that same smooth glass again. ‘Well that explains it’, she says, as if its not serious.

‘You should come in’, says Alex, as calmly as she can, as if her fingers aren’t still burning. ‘Our doctors can look at you’.

Astra’s expression hardens, but Alex cuts her off before she can object, ‘not all of us are like Lane, Astra. He doesn’t even work with us. Kara will be there. She should hear what happened from you’. She watches Astra’s face for a moment, watching the gears turning behind her eyes. ‘You said before, when we last saw you, that we didn’t have a truce. Whether you like it or not, you’ve taken a step towards truce. You’re more on our side than you are on Non’s, now’.

‘You want me to come in, and discuss truce with you?’

Alex hears the scorn in Astra’s voice, but there is something else beneath it, and Alex pushes. ‘Kara called it a start, when you called off the ambush. Call this another step forward’. Alex does not miss the wistfulness, the sadness that glints in her eyes when she mentions Kara’s name. She waits a beat. ‘And you need that out of you, and I can’t do that for you here. Its too deep’.

Astra stands slowly, and crosses to the window. Alex watches her hands tremble. ‘Is there any news from Kara?’

‘No, but we’d know more if we were at the DEO’.

‘How can I trust that I won’t end up back in that cage?’

Alex hesitates. ‘You may, for a time. Switching sides does not happen quickly, and it does not happen easily. Trust is not easily gained. Many will doubt you. But Kara has a lot of faith in you. And Kara…’ Alex smiles and shrugs. ‘Kara changes things’.

Astra turns, her brow furrowed, and gives her that same, analysing, contemplative look. Then she turns away again. Her profile is hard and beautiful against the night sky. She inclines her head. ‘A step, then’.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Kara is waiting for them at the DEO, looking anxious, fidgeting where she stands beside Hank. She looks stricken when she sees Astra, and Alex is not sure whether its because of her presence, or because Kara can probably sense what the others cannot see - that Astra is having trouble walking straight.

‘Aunt Astra?’ Kara steps forward, and reaches out a hand, and seems to stop herself, but Alex does not miss the flicker that breaks through Astra’s mask in the second, though she cannot decipher what is revealed.

‘Kara’, she breathes, ‘are you alright?’

Kara looks incredulous. ‘Yes, I...' she looks to Alex for an explanation.

‘The warning came from Astra’.

Kara smiles then, a brilliant flash directed straight at her aunt. The corners of Astra’s eyes soften, and the corner of her mouth curves softly in response. But then Kara frowns, her eyes flicking up and down Astra, searching. ‘You’re injured’.

Alex glances at Hank, sensing that he is impatient for a report. She tilts her head towards Astra, and then in the direction of the medical bay. Hank inclines his head. ‘Supergirl’, he says, ‘perhaps you could escort General Astra to the medical bay? Many of my men would feel more comfortable if you take charge of her’.

Kara nods, reaching for Astra again. Astra moves towards her slowly, deliberately, and Alex wonders if its because she’s trying not to let her pain show, and wonders why she could see it in the darkness of her own apartment, but not here.

She watches the two of them walk away, watches Kara’s hand stray to Astra’s elbow, and because she is watching, she sees Astra glance back at her. Her mouth is quirked, and there is something warm in her eyes, perhaps drawn out by Kara’s presence, and something complex, indescribable in her expression.

Alex jerks away from the eye contact, turning to Hank, Hank who looks at her with a question in his eyes, like he knows that that moment, that look, is burned forever against the back of her eyes.

‘So?’ he says, and Alex is unnecessarily relieved that he makes no comment.

She tells him everything that Astra told her, and if she leaves out the fact that she practically undressed the woman, well thats that. If Hank suspects, if he reads her mind as a consequence, he says nothing of it.

When she has finished, she asks, ‘so what happened at CatCo?’

Hank shrugs. ‘Not much. Kara took your warning seriously. She got Cat Grant out of the building and called to tell us about your warning. She was surprised to hear that it hadn’t come through us, of course. Then she came here. Non and his army didn’t encounter her’.

Alex presses a hand to her face and sighs heavily, letting her exhaustion show briefly. It had been a hard few weeks, before Astra crashed through her window. ‘Astra will have more information about the size and nature of her army’.

‘Information we definitely need. Kara can’t face an entire army of Kryptonians all on her own’.

‘We already knew that’. Alex pauses. She thinks of the way Astra looks when she speaks of Kara. ‘But she might not have to face them on her own’.

Hank raises an eyebrow. ‘Do you think General Astra will give us that information?’

‘I know that she wants to protect Kara. The rest…’ she waves a hand. ‘I don’t know. If anyone can convince her, its Kara. But she’s a military woman. She knows that she’ll have to give something in exchange for receiving something’.

Hank nods slowly. ‘Maybe we can work out a deal. One that doesn’t keep Kara from her aunt’.

Alex shouldn’t be surprised at Hank’s suggestion, not after recent events, but sometimes she forgets that Kara has had a lasting effect on J’onn, and that he’s very different from the man most people believe him to be. He and Kara understand loss, in a way that Alex will never be able to, and she shouldn’t be surprised that he wants to keep her from losing more.

Before she can say more, a young agent whose name she can’t quite remember hurries up to them. ‘Sir, sorry but, we have a problem’.

Hanks turns to face the man, his attention shifting and sharpening. ‘What is it?’

‘An unapproved transmission sir, to someone on the outside. We’d been trying to identify who sent it and who it went to, sir, but the problem seems to have come to us’.

Hank and Alex share a glance, before following the agent. He points at one of the screens. Alex takes one look at the man approaching their headquarters, and swears. It feels very appropriate.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Alex finds Kara and Astra in the medical bay. The pallor is gone from Astra’s skin, and her face is no longer pinched, her eyes no longer pained.

There are two guards posted at the door, and she dismisses them with a quick order, acutely aware of the time they have.

They look up at her when she enters, and Alex has the impression that they were talking. A smile lingers around Kara’s lips, and there is undeniable hope in her eyes. Alex hates to intrude. She knows how long Kara has been waiting for some sort of sign.

‘Kara’, she says, ‘a word’.

Outside the ward, Kara seems to realise there is something wrong, reading the familiar set of Alex’s jaw. ‘Alex, what’s happened?’

‘Lane’, she says tersely, lowering her voice in an attempt to keep Astra from hearing her.

Kara’s eyes widen, and for a moment, she looks furious, before worry settles heavily on her brow. ‘What does he want?’

Alex doesn’t glance at Astra, but she can feel the woman’s gaze burning on the back of her neck. ‘Someone leaked that I was bringing Astra in. Hank doesn’t know what stunt the General will pull this time, but there is a high chance that he’ll try and take custody of her’.

Kara looks horrified. ‘No’, she sounds both desperate and angry, ‘no. I have to get her out’.

Alex thinks about the General’s undisguised disgust for Kara, the way he looks at her like he’s waiting for her to make a mistake, waiting for any reason to put chains on her. ‘Kara, you can’t -’

‘I can’t let him take her, Alex, not - especially not after this. There’s hope here, Alex, for her. She was badly injured trying to protect me from Non, and was too desperate to warn me to notice that there was still a piece of that blade inside her. If Lane takes her…’ Kara takes a shuddering breath, and something dark passes over her expression. ‘I have to get her out before he comes’.

Alex remembers Kara’s screams, the way they’d mixed and moulded with Astra’s agonised cries. She thinks of the look on Kara’s face afterwards, a mix of disgust and helpless rage, and remembers that heavy weight in her own stomach, because she’s never been comfortable with the idea of torture, and she’d seen the undisguised plea in Astra’s eyes as she looked at her niece.

She thinks about the fact that Astra came to her, injured and bleeding, kryptonite still buried beneath her skin, to warn Kara, to try and save her, that she was wounded because she’d been trying to draw out the stalemate to avoid confronting her niece, and the fact that she could help them when the time comes, but she won’t if Lane gets his hands on her.

She remembers the green tinge to the woman’s skin as she lay unconscious after Lane’s departure. She thinks about the fact that if Lane gets his hands on her this time, Astra will probably never be seen again.

She reaches out and touches Kara’s shoulder, the firm but gentle touch silencing Kara’s ramblings. ‘Kara’, she says, calm but firm, ‘ _you_ can’t’.

Kara looks at her with an undisguised look of betrayal. ‘Alex, you know what -’

Alex grips Kara’s shoulder tightly. ‘Kara’, she grinds out, ‘you can’t’.

It takes a second, but Kara’s eyes go wide. She steps closer, and her voice lowers, as if they could be overheard. ‘What do you mean?’

‘General Lane will be expecting you to help Astra, after last time. You’re already on thin ice with him. If Astra was to get out, you’d be his first suspect. You need to make sure that you can’t be one, do you understand?’

Kara nods slowly, but frowns. ‘What are you going to do?’

Alex hesitates. She grasps Kara by the arm. Her smile is small. ‘It’s best that you don’t know’.

Kara’s fingers curl around her arm, warm and strong, and her smile is that usual, blinding grin, a faith and trust that Alex is not sure she should be given, yet. ‘Thank you’.

Alex takes a deep breath. ‘Don’t thank me yet’.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Alex catches herself counting aloud when Astra shoots her an irritated glance. ‘What are you doing?’

Alex shakes herself, reaching to push Astra back against the wall so that she can peer around the corner. ‘This route is longer. We don’t have a lot of time. Hank and Kara will delay Lane, but eventually they’ll be forced to raise the alarm. This exit will deadlock if we don’t get to it first’.

‘I assume we’re taking this route to avoid your surveillance technology?’

Alex nods, beckoning for Astra to follow her. ‘We need to be quick’.

Astra walks with her in silence for a time, and Alex is aware of the woman watching her, her attention sharp, burning the back of her neck.

‘Why are you doing this, Agent Danvers?’

‘Would you rather I didn’t?’

‘No’.

Alex sighs. ‘I told you I didn’t condone what was done to you. If Lane gets his hands on you again, it’ll be much worse for you’.

‘Are you protecting me, Agent Danvers?’ Astra sounds amused, and Alex feels her shoulders tense.

‘I am trying to keep you out of his hands’, she can hear the anger in her voice, however hard she tries to hide it, ‘so that Kara doesn't lose another person she loves. She has… so much faith in you, so much _hope_ , and this has only strengthened it. I don’t want to see that crushed’.

There is a pause. ‘I… I apologise, Agent Danvers’. Astra almost sounds choked, shaken, and Alex realises that no one but Kara has spoken of her niece’s faith in her. ‘I did not mean to mock you’.

Alex lets the anger drain from her. They are silent until the door comes into view, and Alex hears Astra exhale slowly, relief lightening her steps. Alex shoves the door open, and then leans on it, staring out into the night. Astra stands by her side, and Alex decides to speak before she flies off, and the opportunity is lost. ‘An alliance with you, a truce, a deal, whatever, it’ll be hard to come to with Lane around’.

‘Foolish man. Doesn’t he understand that we’re trying to avoid more bloodshed?’

Alex grunts. ‘He doesn’t trust you. That can hardly surprise you’.

‘I saw the way he looked at Kara. He doesn’t trust her, either, even after all she’s done for your city’.

‘He doesn’t like trust aliens. He’d lock you all up if he could’.

‘Oh, he’d do much more. One of the worst of your kind’.

Alex almost laughs. ‘He’s not the worst’.

‘And you wonder why so many of my people have such a low opinion of your race’.

Alex throws her hands up in exasperation, and turns to glare. ‘Can you honestly tell me that your people were any better than mine? Isn’t that the whole point? We are destroying our planet, just as your people did yours’. She stares at Astra’s profile, gripping her own arms tightly. ‘Aren’t you trying to prevent us from repeating _your_ mistakes?’

Astra turns to look at her, and for a moment, she looks furious. And then, to Alex's surprise, she smiles, but all she says is, ‘you intrigue me, Agent Danvers’. She looks away towards the horizon. ‘I will see you very soon. We have much to discuss’.

She steps away and up, hovering above the ground for a moment. She turns her head, looks at Alex over her shoulder, and smiles again. It is less mocking, more honest. ‘And thank you’.

Alex watches the sky for a long time after Astra is lost to sight. A start, Kara had said. Alex had called this a step, but it feels greater, somehow, like leaps and bounds rather than hesitant shuffling. Alex just has to hope that they don’t fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was meant to be a one shot but it got really, really out of hand. its probably going to be about 3 chapters i think.
> 
> i have bits and pieces of this written so I'm open to suggestions if anyone wants to see certain things
> 
> i just didn't expect to love Astra as much as I do and I didn't mean to get so invested I just really want a redemption arc for her and I want Kara to be able to hug someone without worrying about hurting them 
> 
> Laura Benanti is so talented and she could do so much with a redemption arc


	2. Chapter 2

 

Astra agrees to give information to Alex and Kara, and only them. Alex isn’t exactly surprised after their near miss with General Lane. Kara gives her an odd look when she hears that Astra agreed to talk to her, but doesn’t comment. 

 

Lane is a problem. Astra refuses to come back to the DEO’s headquarters, and according to Kara, any chance of a deal is off while the man hovers over their organisation. Hank thinks he wants to get his hands on a Kryptonian so that he can build a proper weapon against them. Kara seethes at the thought. 

 

Alex finds herself spending a lot more time with Astra than anticipated. With Kara still juggling her cover life - a life that she insists she needs, a belief Alex agrees with, and spending increasing longer hours with Cat Grant, Astra ends up reporting to Alex more than her niece. She is thorough. She gives detailed information on her lieutenants and colonels, the soldiers under her command, from their species to their dispositions. 

 

Alex is not surprised to learn that the majority of Astra’s subordinates don’t share her goal to save the planet. Most of the soldiers, and the majority of those who aren’t Kryptonians, simply enjoy the destruction they were allowed wreak. They are, after all, criminals. 

 

When Kara does come over, she and Astra spend less time talking about information and more time reminiscing. Alex doesn’t like to interrupt those evenings. She knows how much Kara misses her old world sometimes, and how much she has wanted to talk about it with someone who remembers it. 

 

Most of the time, she gives them their space, and reports back to Hank. They try and find a way to take Astra’s information and weaponise it. But there are other nights, when they come together under the pretence of discussing information, and Alex ends up curled opposite them with Netflix on her laptop and gives them their space, half aware of the murmur of conversation, and more aware of the ease with which Astra smiles with her niece, and the hope that brims over in Kara’s eyes. She notices that every time, they shift closer together, and it makes her feel like she’s witnessing a relationship repairing itself before her eyes. 

 

One day, weeks after what Alex sometimes refers to as the ‘crashlanding', she arrives at Kara’s apartment to find Astra standing outside the front door, fidgeting. She looks uncomfortable, and strangely cornered, as if she wants to flee but isn’t sure where to go. 

 

‘Astra?’

 

The woman looks incredibly glad to see her. ‘Agent Danvers’, she breathes, relief shinning in her eyes. ‘Good. We should conduct this briefing elsewhere’. 

 

Alex doesn’t bother to hide her surprise. She puts her hand on the door handle, but pauses when Astra doesn’t move out of the way. It brings them very close to each other, close enough that Astra’s long hair flutters as Alex breathes. Alex blinks. ‘Astra, what are you doing? Where’s Kara?’

 

‘She’s with a… friend’. 

 

Later Alex will swear that she was too tired to hear the hesitation in the words, the way her voice pitched slightly higher on the last word, almost in question, but there was undoubtedly a part of her that was curious to find out what was apparently making the woman so uncomfortable. ‘Well’, she says, turning the handle, unsurprised to find it unlocked, ‘her friend can wait, Kara knows I don’t have a lot of time today’. 

 

Alex brushes past Astra, opens the door, and freezes. 

 

Kara has Cat Grant pushed up against the wall, and the normally immaculately dressed woman’s blouse falls wide, her head resting against the wall while Kara practically  _attacks_ her neck, her hand fastened in Kara’s hair, and they are both so absorbed that neither even seems to notice the intrusion. 

 

Alex hastily shuts the door. 

 

She leans on it, and stares at Astra. ‘A friend?  _Seriously?_ You could have been more specific’. She puts her hand over her eyes. ‘You could have  _warned_ me’. 

 

Astra raises an eyebrow. ‘Would that have stopped you?’

 

‘Yes!’

 

Astra’s lips twitch. She opens her mouth to speak, and then grimaces. ‘Can we go elsewhere, Agent Danvers?’ 

 

Alex remembers the woman’s superior hearing abilities, and nods hastily. ‘Yes, please’. 

 

Once they are outside, and Astra seems to have relaxed, Alex asks, ‘how long has that been going on?’

 

Astra shrugs. ‘I had the impression it started before my defection’.

 

Alex opens her mouth to respond, when her phone rings. She glances at the id, and holds her hand up. ‘Its Hank, hang on’. Astra inclines her head while Alex accepts the call. ‘Hank?’

 

  
_‘A couple of Non's minions are in the process of attacking one of General Lane’s facilities. One of Lane's men called us. A_ _pparently this particular storage facility houses a lot of the weapons he’s been developing to bring down the Kryptonians themselves’._

Alex swallows. ‘Well, thats just great’.  

 

_‘I’ll send you the coordinates. There’s a team already on the way'._

‘Have you told Kara?’

 

‘ _Can’t get hold of her. Can you deal with that?’_

Astra clears her throat, and Alex glances at her. The woman says, ‘perhaps I could help instead’. 

 

Alex hesitates. Its not that the idea doesn’t have merit, but she does have reservations about leaving Kara behind. Then again, perhaps Astra stands a better chance against her former followers. ‘Sir _’,_ she says, ignoring her reluctance, ‘General Astra would like to assist us in Kara’s place’. She pauses, and then pushes. ‘If we could get more people within the DEO to trust her - or at least understand that she’s serious about helping us, it would help avoid repeated situations with Lane’. 

There is a pause _. ‘Very well, Agent Danvers. I’ll call ahead to the team’._

 

Alex glances at Astra. There is a gleam in the woman’s eyes, something deadly, and Alex remembers lying on her back in a warehouse and staring up at the woman, all that time ago. Astra nods and Alex says, ‘we’ll be there as soon as we can’. 

There is a sharpness to Astra’s expression that hasn’t been there since she switched sides. She radiates a sense of energy, a sense of power, and Alex is reminded, almost as if she’d forgotten, that this woman is a General who commanded an army of dangerous criminals. ‘You look like you’re looking forward to this’. 

Astra smiles, a deadly, almost predatory smile, but only extends her hand. ‘Shall we?’

 

Alex blinks. ‘Are you offering to fly us there?’

 

‘Your commander did say there was a team already on its way. We’ll have to hurry’. 

 

Alex hesitates. Astra’s smile grows, and Alex feels like she’s being baited. ‘You’re not afraid, are you, Agents Danvers?’

 

‘Of flying? No. Of you dropping me? Meh’. 

 

‘That would really be in my best interest, wouldn’t it?’ Astra’s expression turns serious. ‘A little faith, Agent Danvers’. 

 

Alex takes a deep breath. Trust, she knows, goes both ways.  _Steps_ , she thinks,  _small steps_. Her reluctance has less to do with not trusting the woman - something that should give her pause - and more to do with the memory of when she was last that close to her. But its foolish to put that over what she knows is a sensible suggestion. 

 

She tilts her chin up, almost in challenge, and steps forward. Astra doesn’t smile, but Alex decides she doesn’t imagine the flicker of triumph in the woman’s eyes. Deciding that she doesn’t want to see how Astra intends to carry her, Alex steps behind Astra and loops an arm underneath Astra’s arm, and another over her other shoulder, clasping her hands tightly across her chest. Astra sounds slightly surprised, ‘you’ve done this before’.

 

Alex doesn’t respond to that. She nudges Astra’s leg with her knee. ‘We are waisting time, Astra’. 

 

Astra chuckles, an honest, amused sound that vibrates in Alex’s chest. ‘You continue to surprise me, Agent Danvers’. Astra reaches up to grip her hands. Her hands are strong and warm. In the take off, her hands tighten, curling around Alex's wrists, and Alex buries her face automatically against the woman’s shoulder, tensing as her feet leave solid ground. ‘Don’t worry’, Astra shouts over the rush of air in her ears, ‘I won’t drop you’. 

 

Alex finds that she believes her. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

‘You’re making a habit of this, you know’. 

 

Astra grunts and tries to twist to face her. Alex grabs her shoulder. ‘Don’t’, she warns, ‘you’re making this harder than it needs to be’. 

 

She sounds harsher than she intends, but she’s angry. She shouldn’t be, but its simmering there beneath the surface, and her hand is shaking with it. She lets go of Astra’s shoulder as if she’s been burned, and goes back to her task. 

 

She pulls another piece of jagged kryptonite from Astra’s back with her tweezers and flings it into the bowl on the coffee table, thankful that she had the foresight after Astra’s crash landing to equip her apartment with better medical materials. ‘Kara is going to kill you for this, you know’. 

 

Astra scoffs. ‘Kara would have killed me if I’d let you get killed’. 

 

Alex pauses then, freezing with the tweezers hovering over the next piece. She swallows. ‘Why do you say that?’

 

‘I’ve seen the way Kara looks at you. She might think she can hide it, but I know that look’. There is a wistfulness to Astra’s voice, a deep regret that comes with an old, old wound. ‘She used to look at me like that. She loves you. I don’t know what the nature of your relationship is, but she loves you’. 

 

Alex deflects. ‘If you know her that well, you’d know that she still loves you. It made everything harder for her, before you switched sides’. She stares at the back of Astra’s head for a moment, focusing on something other than warmth of Astra’s skin under her hand, and the conclusion the woman has come to. ‘She loves you, but its complicated’.

 

‘And whatever you have is not?’ 

 

Alex hesitates. There are too many people who know Kara’s secret. Too many ways for it to get out. But Astra, she knows, is part of that secret. If Astra ever met Kara Danvers, she would not be fooled for a second. She knows that Astra would never give up her niece, not after all this. She remembers Astra’s request for a little faith, and makes a decision. She sighs, and Astra shivers under her hand. ‘Kara’s my sister’. 

 

‘Your family took her in?’

 

‘Yes’. 

 

Astra is silent for a long time after that. Alex works away, glad for the silence. Now that the surprise at Astra’s deduction has faded, her anger is coming back, creeping up on her slowly and steadily. Eventually, she breaks it. ‘I can take care of myself, Astra’. 

 

‘I never said you couldn’t’.

 

‘You stepped in front of me when a bomb went off’. 

 

‘I didn’t know it was designed specifically for my people. I meant merely to shield you from the blast’. 

 

Alex grits her teeth. She’s not sure why she’s so angry at the woman. But there is something about her act that reminds Alex of Kara, and that thought comes with another reminder. They’re heading straight for a conflict of explosive proportions, and Kara still thinks she needs to save everyone. When she thinks about Kara and the conflict to come, it leaves a bitter taste at the back of her mouth, a sickening feeling in her stomach. Kara is self-sacrificing, and Alex is terrified that this war will take everything from her sister, including her life. Something about Astra’s simple side step and turn has brought that thought right to the forefront of her mind, and she can’t get the image out of her head. She doesn’t want to think about it, and maybe that is why she’s angry. 

 

She takes a deep breath, becoming aware that she’s been sitting there with her hand resting on Astra’s back, still and unmoving for too long. Astra hasn’t said a word. Alex shakes herself, and goes back to her task. 

 

‘One good thing has come of this’, she says to break the heavy silence, to break the tension between them, ‘General Lane has been disgraced. Letting all those weapons fall into enemy hands, and the fact that he had to be saved by the department he’s been claiming is corrupt and unable to handle the aliens looks bad, to say the least. Hank doesn’t think we’ll have to worry about him anymore’. 

 

She can hear the smile when Astra says, ‘good. He’s a man without any honour who believes he’s the finest example’. 

 

Alex finds the last piece lodged beneath Astra’s shoulder blade, and thinks that really, the woman is lucky they were relatively far away from the bomb. ‘You know that Non took all that kryptonite to use against you and Kara’. She pauses. ‘You don’t know how to replicate the technology in those suits do you?’

 

Astra laughs, a dry, humourless sound. ‘You don’t think that would’ve been the first thing I told you?’

 

‘Its good information. Maybe you were waiting for a better opportunity’. 

 

‘Really, Agent Danvers, I thought we’d cultivated a sense of trust between us’.

 

Alex snorts. She throws the tweezers into the bowl and leans back, stretching her aching neck. She grabs the damp cloth and wipes the blood from Astra’s skin. ‘Done’. 

 

Astra turns to face her, bringing them very close. Alex doesn’t pull back, unwilling as she always is with Astra to give ground, but she turns away. She remembers Astra stepping in front of her in the dark, and turning to grab her. They’d been close then, closer than they are even now. Astra’s eyes had gleamed in the reflecting glow of the explosion. Alex sighs. ‘I need to call Kara’. She glances at the woman, unsurprised to see that she’s watching her. ‘You can use the shower and crash here if you like’. 

 

Astra stares at her, and she looks almost curious. ‘You are very different to the rest of your race, Agent Danvers’. 

 

Alex laughs, and is surprised at the sound. ‘You just don’t know much about my race. And you’ve said that already’. 

 

Astra tilts her head, a movement that is so  _Kara_ that Alex smiles involuntarily. Astra searches her face, closely, and Alex wonders what she’s looking for. ‘Hmm’, is all she says, but there is a smile playing about her mouth. 

 

Alex shakes her head. A weight settles on her shoulders again. She sighs. ‘Kara will want to speak to you. So, I’m going to tell you what she’ll tell you’. She turns her head and looks Astra directly in the eye. ‘You said you’ll do anything for Kara’. 

 

‘I meant it’. Alex doesn’t think she’s ever heard Astra sound so sincere. 

 

Alex nods. She leans forward slightly, as if to emphasise her point. ‘That includes staying alive for her’. 

 

Astra stares at her. There is something complex in her expression, a hint of sadness, and maybe confusion. Disbelief. Alex keeps going, trying to fill the space between them, trying to wipe that expression from Astra’s face, because it hurts to look at. ‘She loves you, and you’ve already died once. You owe it to her not to do it again’. 

 

Astra closes her eyes. Alex stands and takes the bowl of kryptonite from the table, and leaves her apartment to put it directly in the dumpster out the back. 

 

When she returns, she can hear the shower running. Some of the tension eases out of her shoulders. She isn’t surprised that Astra is still there, and she doesn’t know what to make of that.

 

She calls Kara, and isn’t surprised by her reaction to what happened. ‘ _Why didn’t you call me in?’_

Alex forces herself not to laugh. ‘You seemed very busy when we came over’, she says flatly. 

 

There is a beat of silence, and then Kara groans. ‘ _Oh my god’._

‘Yeah’.

 

‘ _Oh my god’._

‘Uhuh’. 

 

‘ _You didn’t… see anything did you?’_

‘Kara, I walked straight into your apartment and you didn’t even notice. I don’t know how long Astra was standing outside your apartment, but it was long enough for her to know what was going on without having to  _see_ anything’. 

 

_‘Oh my god’._

Alex smiles despite herself. ‘So how long has that been going on?’

 

‘ _Umm…a while. Since…’_ Alex can practically hear Kara squirming. Her sister sighs. ‘ _Since Astra warned us about Non coming to CatCo’._

Alex sits up very slowly, sensing that Kara is not telling her something, and dreading that her suspicion might be correct. ‘Kara’, she pictures her sister cringing, ‘please don’t tell me that she knows’. Kara sighs, and Alex closes her eyes. ‘Kara, seriously? The Queen of All Media?’

 

  
_‘That’s unfair, Alex’,_ Kara snaps, and Alex is slightly surprised by the vehemence in her voice,  _‘its obviously more complicated than that’._

‘Did you tell her?’

 

‘ _No - well, yes. But I didn’t have a choice. We were the only two people in the building when you called me, and she wouldn’t leave without Kara’._ Kara sighs.  _‘She’s not going to tell anyone. Just trust me on that’._

 

Alex tilts her head back against the couch and sighs heavily. She’s tired, and sore, and she had a fright that drained her and filled her with anger at the same time. She doesn’t want to get into an argument with Kara, not when she’s been thinking about where this all might end. 

 

‘ _Are you okay, really?’_

 

Alex is not sorry that Kara’s changing the topic. She smiles slightly, recognising the genuine concern in her sister’s voice. ‘Yeah’, she says softly, ‘thanks to Astra. I’m just… I’m tired and -’ she catches herself. She can’t tell Kara about her fears for where they are heading. She can’t tell her that she’s terrified about losing her, not now, not over the phone. Kara has enough to worry about. She sighs. ‘I’m just tired’. 

 

Kara is silent for a moment.  _‘I’m coming over tomorrow’._

Alex smiles. ‘I’ll see you then. I love you’. 

 

_‘I love you too, Alex’._

 

‘And Kara?’

 

‘ _Yeah?’_

Alex hesitates. The words feels heavy on her tongue. She sighs. ‘Stay safe’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Alex wakes up that night to the sound of glass breaking. She snaps awake and reaches for her gun. Her heart is beating frantically against her ribs from the sudden awakening, but it slows as she breathes slowly, falling into a practised rhythm as she leaves the room. 

 

It takes her a moment to understand what she is seeing.

 

Astra appears to be having a nightmare. She is thrashing in her sleep, and while she remains totally silent, her expression is twisted and pained. 

 

There is a broken glass lying in a puddle of water a fair distance from where it once stood on the coffee table. Astra appears to have knocked it across the room. 

 

Alex puts her gun down on the counter and approaches cautiously. She is probably the most experienced person on Earth - aside, perhaps, from her mother - when it comes to the dangers of Kryptonians and nightmares. Waking up Kara in the depths of a nightmare frequently resulted in bruises, occasional split lips, and once or twice, broken bones. That was back when Kara was still developing her powers, and Alex was learning how to wake her. She does not want to test what might happen if Astra lashes out at her.

 

‘Astra?’ she raises her voice as she approaches, hoping that her voice will penetrate the fog of dreams. She kneels on the ground beside the couch, reaching over slowly, leaning back as the woman continues to thrash. ‘Astra, come on’. She presses the tips of her fingers against the woman’s forehead, remembering that it was skin-to-skin contact that used to help Kara. 

 

For all her wariness, she isn’t fast enough. Astra’s hand fastens on her wrist and jerks her upwards, hauling her onto the couch. Alex presses her free hand against the couch to push away, and Astra’s other hand fastens around her throat. 

 

Before Alex has time to panic, before she has time to do more than register the steel grip, Astra releases her. Alex rears back, sucking in a sharp breath despite the fact that the woman didn’t actually cut off her air. Astra sits bold upright, and Alex sees a flash of horror in her eyes. ‘Agent Danvers, I -’ 

 

‘Its okay’, she says, messaging her wrist. ‘Its fine’. 

 

‘It is not. I could have badly hurt you’. 

 

Alex smiles slightly, taking in the haunted, shaken look in Astra’s eyes. ‘Hey, I’ve had worse’, when Astra continues to stare at her, clearly unconvinced, Alex gentles her voice, ‘Kara once gave me a black eye when I tried to wake her up’. She sighs. ‘Seriously, Astra, its  _fine_ ’. 

 

Astra inclines her head, and her lips twitch, a smile doesn’t quite surface. ‘I should remember that you’re not as fragile as the rest of your race’. 

 

Given the circumstances, Alex decides to let that comment slide. She stands, giving the woman space, and gets her some water. She takes longer than necessary, giving Astra time to collect herself, remembering how the woman views weakness, assuming that she’d consider this one.

 

When she returns, Astra is wearing a mask again, cool, smooth marble, her back rigid, hands clenched in her lap. She meets Alex’s eyes purposefully, as if to prove a point, to shake away what just happened. 

 

Alex sits down next to her, closer than she would have once, but far enough to give her space. She pushes the water across the coffee table. She doesn’t ask if Astra is okay, because it is clear that she is not, clear that whatever haunts her has affected her enough that her hand still shakes when she reaches for the glass. Instead she says, ‘Kara had nightmares as a kid. Constantly. About her parents, her Mom, Krypton - nothing that would surprise you’. She pauses. ‘Talking about it would help, sometimes’. 

 

Astra’s lips twitch in the echo of a smile. ‘Very kind of you, Agent Danvers’. She pauses. Then she sighs, and runs a hand through her hair, pushing it off her face. Her shoulders drop, and Alex feels like she sees defences fall with them. ‘What your General Lane did to me -’ she stops, corrects herself, ‘what General Lane did was…’ her mouth twists, ‘it left an impression, you could say. The sensation… it was like being burned alive’. She breathes in slowly, and Alex is glad to see that her hands have stopped shaking. ‘My mind remembers what my body suffered, even if the physical signs are gone. This-’, she gestures at her back, ‘my encounters with kryptonite, the ones that mark me physically, they trigger these episodes’. She smiles, tightly, strained. ‘It will pass. I apologise for waking you’. 

 

‘Don’t apologise’.

 

Astra’s smile softens slightly. 

 

Alex hesitates. ‘Will you be able to sleep again?’

 

Astra shrugs. ‘Perhaps. I can’t promise I won’t wake you again’. A contemplative look settles on her brow. ‘You said that Kara frequently had nightmares’. When Alex nods, Astra says hesitantly, ‘do you know any other cures?’ She says it with a note of dry humour, as if she doesn’t really expect anything. 

 

‘Only one’, the words leave her mouth before she really registered that she is making an offer. Astra raises her eyebrows, and Alex blinks. She smiles slightly, forcing herself to continue in a level tone, ‘but you might not like it’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

‘Are you sure about this?’

 

Alex glances at Astra standing in her doorway. The woman leans against the frame, her arms folded, watching her closely. She looks almost curious. Alex sits on her bed, and shrugs. ‘It helped Kara. Something about being able to hear someone else’s heartbeat, to sense someone else’s presence. She called it an anchor, of sorts. It prevented her subconscious from ever thinking that she was alone’. She smiles, reverting to a light, teasing tone to avoid wondering about what she is actually doing. ‘I’m not suggesting that we cuddle, General Astra. There is plenty of room’. 

 

Astra raises her eyebrows, a flicker of amusement colouring her tired expression. ‘I was merely recalling the fact that the last person whose bed I shared recently tried to kill me’. 

 

Alex blinks. ‘Are you actually worried-’

 

‘No’, Astra waves her hand, smiling slightly, ‘of course not. This just seems to be a night of recollections’. She tilts her head curiously. ‘And you’re not concerned that I might harm you again?’

 

‘You didn’t actually hurt me’. Alex sighs. ‘But no, I’m not, not if this works’.

 

Astra looks momentarily thrown, and Alex is struck by the sense of unspoken trust that just passed between them. She climbs back into bed and curls automatically on her side, watching Astra linger in the doorway. ‘Its just an idea, Astra’. 

 

Astra blinks, but then smiles slightly, and inclines her head. ‘I will be honest with you, Agent Danvers. I would rather not relive that memory again tonight’. 

 

She approaches slowly, and for the first time Alex fully absorbs how mundane Astra looks, wearing one of Alex’s loose shirts and a spare pair of pyjama shorts. She thinks, absently, that she should probably talk to Kara about buying Astra some clothes of her own, considering how often she crashes at Kara’s apartment, and how often she’s forced to borrow clothes. 

 

Astra slides under the sheets on the other side of the bed, and lies there flat on her back, arms straight at her sides. Alex raises her eyebrows slightly, but doesn’t comment. 

 

Lying there in the dark, listening to Astra breathe slowly beside her, Alex tries not to fidget. It has been quite a while since she’s slept with anyone beside her, and she’s acutely aware of how close Astra is to her, despite the distance between them. 

 

Abruptly, Astra laughs, a short, half muffled sound, as if she tries to bite back the sound, and Alex jumps. ‘I apologise, Agent Danvers. I was just recalling the phrase, ‘sleeping with the enemy’. This is a rather literal example, don’t you agree?’

 

Alex smiles in the dark, but all she says is, ‘do you really still consider me as the enemy?’ It’s not until she says it that she realises that the thought does in fact bother her. 

 

Astra shifts, and Alex can feel that woman’s eyes on her. ‘No’, she says finally, quietly in the darkness, and Alex feels a previously unnoticed weight on her chest ease. She can’t think about that, that weight, can’t think about it there, with the source so close to her. Astra sighs, sounding almost disappointed. ‘Less amusing then, isn’t it?’ 

 

Alex hums. Sleep is already creeping up on her, exhaustion pressing her down into the mattress, and her thoughts have become sluggish. ‘Astra,’ she says after a long silence, ‘I have a request of my own’.

 

‘Hmmm?’

 

‘Considering that we’re currently sharing a bed, could you stop addressing me as Agent Danvers?'

 

Astra chuckles, ‘as you wish,  _Alex_ ’. Astra says her name like she’s testing it, lingering on the l and softening the x, and Alex has time to wonder whether its the first time she’s said it, before sleep claims her. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Alex wakes up in the morning to find that she’s moved closer to Astra in the night, pressed against her from hip to knee, and that her arm is flung over her. 

 

It reminds Alex of when she and Kara used to sleep together as children, after Kara’s nightmares, but it is an entirely, entirely different situation. 

 

Alex can feel the heat rising to her cheeks, and preys that the woman is still fast sleep. 

 

Alex has always slept spread eagled. Kara generally sleeps curled up, something that Alex thinks might be due to all that time she spent in her pod. Whenever they slept in the same bed, Alex would end up flat on her front, her arm looped around Kara’s waist, and Kara would curl into her. 

 

It is habit, then, this, that is what Alex tells herself. Astra has not moved from the last position Alex saw her in, flat on her back, almost rigid, but one of her hands rests heavily on Alex’s arm, and it is the only indication Alex has that the woman is still asleep.

 

Alex breathes slowly and deeply, before pulling away slowly. Astra does not stir. It seems to have worked - at least, there are no signs that the woman’s sleep was disturbed. 

 

Alex sits on the edge of the bed, and stares down at Astra. She looks… softer, in sleep, but strangely sadder, too. There is always a sense of sadness, lingering at the edges of Astra’s expressions, in the shadows behind her eyes, however much it is is overwhelmed by other emotions. 

 

Alex saw a similar sadness in Kara when she first arrived. But there are only hints of it now, moments that are easily missed, that Alex has seen more of in past weeks than she had for years, before. She hopes that when all this is over, those moments will become echoes. 

 

She hopes that Astra’s sadness will fade. 

 

She catches that thought, and holds it. She remembers scars marring smooth skin, the weight that lifted when the woman agreed that they were no longer enemies, and the way Astra said her name. She shivers. 

 

It is then that Alex realises that she might be in trouble. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little supercat, a little more faith, and a lot more feelings
> 
> the head canon about the way Alex and Kara sleep are just my own, i think 
> 
> so I'm trying to convey the importance of Kara for the developing relationship between Astra and Alex, even though she's not present the whole time 
> 
> i want more discussion of what happened with the torture 
> 
> who else is excited to see more of Astra next week?
> 
> as always open to suggestions :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> deals with That Scene from the last episode so spoilers

 

Alex is wary of Kara’s relationship with Cat Grant. She’s tried to avoid open displays of concern whenever it comes up in conversations, tries to avoid open confrontation, which is unusual for her. But with the conflict with the Kryptonians hanging over their heads, and war on the horizon, she’s afraid of going into battle after arguing with her sister. 

 

It's not exactly that she doesn’t trust that the woman won’t keep Kara’s secret — it is perhaps the one thing she is sure of, after marching Hank into CatCo to discuss security with her. She’d waited all of the 30 seconds it took them to get into the elevator before she’d said, ‘so, do I need to be worried?’

 

She’d said ‘I’, not ‘we’, because in that moment she didn’t feel like Agent Danvers, but like Kara’s older sister. What she was really asking him was whether she needed to protect Kara from something she didn’t want to be protected from. 

 

What gives her pause, what concerns her, what makes her smile restrained whenever it is mentioned, is the memory of how the woman treated Kara, before she knew that she was Supergirl. 

 

She doesn’t know whether their relationship improved and became something more before the revelation, because Kara never mentioned it. She doesn’t know when it changed. She’s worried that Cat Grant wants Supergirl, for whatever purpose, not Kara Danvers. And there is no separating the two. 

 

But she can’t say that to Kara, not directly. It would hurt, probably, more than it would help. 

 

But it nags at her. It’s there, at the back of her mind. More than anything, she wants Kara to be happy. She thinks that of everyone she knows, Kara deserves that the most. If Cat Grant can give her that, then Alex’s would be happy for her, but she’s worried, and that worry won’t leave her. 

 

She discovers that she is not as good at hiding it as she believed, when Astra comments on it. 

 

It is late one night, hours after Kara left them to join Cat. Their plans, detailed reports on Astra’s generals, rough attempts to come up with an action plan, an outline of the places Astra’s former army has struck, and once intended to strike, all adorned with random, scribbled sketches (courtesy of Kara), are spread out on the coffee table. Alex is sprawled on the couch, exhausted and drained, attempting to quell a sense of building frustration that lingers after all their meetings. She feels like they’re getting no where, and it worries her. There is a half empty bottle of whiskey on the table, and she thinks that it would probably be a good idea to move it, incase its knocked over. She makes no move to do so. 

 

Astra speaks up from opposite her. ‘You don’t approve’. 

 

Alex opens one eye and peers at the woman. ‘Of what?’

 

Astra never sprawls, but in the late hours, after seeing her niece, when her smiles come more easily and the tension seems to leak from her, she appears more relaxed. She leans back against the couch, her legs curled up beneath her, her head resting on her arm. She reminds her of Kara, in these moments, but she watches Alex with an intensity specific only to her. ‘Of Kara’s relationship with this Cat woman’. 

 

The first time Kara had referred to Cat Grant solely as ‘Cat’, Astra had believed it was a fond nickname. It had taken Alex and Kara a few seconds to realise who Astra was talking about when she mentioned Kara’s affection for ‘Grant’. Alex smiles slightly at the memory. Then she frowns. ‘Is it that obvious?’

 

Astra shrugs slightly. ‘Your eyebrows incline at the centre whenever you are concerned. You do that every time Cat is brought up in conversation’. Astra tilts her head. ‘I confess to not understanding why you are concerned. This woman is of no threat’. 

 

Alex blinks. She’s not sure whether she should feel unnerved that Astra has apparently been watching her close enough to pick up that trait. ‘I’m not…’, she sighs, ‘it's not that I don’t approve, I just…’ she sits up slightly, and rubs a hand over her face. ‘Cat can’t hurt her physically, no, but that doesn’t mean that Kara won’t get hurt’. 

 

She catches the look on Astra’s face then, a moment of comprehension that gives way to something dark, and sits up hastily, ‘don’t even think about it’.

 

Astra raises her eyebrows, and the look of innocence that passes over her face doesn’t quite mask the anger in her eyes. ‘I don’t know what you mean’. 

 

‘You’re thinking about threatening her’. 

 

‘I didn’t say that’. 

 

‘You didn’t need to’. She sits up straighter, thinking of the consequences that will occur if Astra does what she’s thinking of doing. ‘A moment ago you didn’t think it was a problem’.

 

Astra pauses, and seems to calm. ‘I have never met Cat Grant’, she says finally, and her mouth twitches, and Alex wonders if they’re both remembering the same thing, ‘but from what I have gathered, Kara is happy with her and Kara deserves happiness more than anyone. I’ve seen nothing that leads me to believe that she could come to harm’. She tilts her head. ‘But if you are truly concerned…'

 

Alex frowns, focusing on one thing. ‘What do you mean, from what you’ve seen?’

 

Astra gives her a look that implies it should be obvious. ‘Did you think I wouldn’t investigate the woman who has earned my niece’s affection?' 

 

‘Well, what did you find?’ She’s genuinely interested in Astra’a opinion, because the woman loves Kara, and she’s also a General. She knows about observing and gathering information, and building profiles on such things. The reports on the members of her army are proof enough of that. 

 

Astra seems to consider her words carefully for a moment, before saying slowly, ‘on the surface, Cat Grant seems somewhat shallow, petty, a little cruel but not vindictive, and appears to care little for anyone but herself. Upon further investigation however, I discovered that she is intelligent, competitive, and fiercely determined to maintain her position as, how did you put it? The Queen of All Media?’ Astra makes a face. It is clear that she still doesn’t understand why Cat is referred to as a Queen without actually being royal. Or, more likely, she understands, but doesn’t think it makes sense. Astra shrugs, and continues, ‘she cares deeply for her son, that much is very obvious, and however much she might try to hide it, for Kara’. 

 

Alex sometimes wonders what Astra would say about her, in a report, when she listens to the way she analyses other people. It is a question she keeps to herself. She feels a sting of guilt at the woman’s words. Maybe she is being too harsh. When she says nothing, Astra tilts her head again, searching her face. ‘Why are you concerned, Alex?’ 

 

Alex sighs. She knows that Astra won’t leave this alone now, and refusing to talk about it will do little good. She almost wishes she’d denied it in the first place. ‘I just remember that before Cat knew about Kara’s identity, she didn’t… respect Kara. Which, as her boss, isn’t that unusual, I guess’. She runs a hand through her hair. ‘My concern is that she’s with Kara because she’s Supergirl’.

 

That same look of comprehension dawns, but it is not followed by anger, this time. Instead, Astra simply looks thoughtful. ‘Have you raised this concern with Kara?’

 

‘Of course not’. Alex grabs the whiskey and pores herself a generous amount. She’s tense and uneasy and she doesn’t want to have this conversation, because she wishes she wasn’t thinking it. She doesn’t want to think that Cat Grant is using her sister, but she can’t help it. She’s always been cynical. ‘Kara insists on seeing the best in people, you know that. Besides…it would hurt her. The idea that I would think that someone might want to be with her just because of her status’. 

 

Something in Astra’s expression softens. Alex has become very familiar with that, these past few weeks. She sees it with Kara, and she sees it when Alex talks about Kara. Kara seems to bring out a softness in Astra that the woman would probably deny she had, and Alex sometimes finds herself wishing that she could see it more often. The woman is quiet for a moment, before she says, ‘ask her’. 

 

Alex frowns. ‘I just said -’ 

 

‘No. Ask Cat Grant’. 

 

Alex blinks. She almost laughs, before realising that Astra wouldn’t understand the humour. ‘You think I should walk into CatCo and ask the Queen of All Media whether she’s using my sister?’

 

Astra nods, as if it is that simple. ‘You want to protect Kara. If Cat Grant does truly care for her, as I suspect, she will understand that. She may be offended, she may deflect, but she should understand, if she is reasonable’. 

 

‘Reasonable is not how I would describe Cat Grant, from what Kara’s told me’. 

 

‘If you don’t, I will. It's a simple question’.

 

‘You mean you’d interrogate her. We’ve talked about this. You can’t go dangling people off the edges of high buildings as a form of interrogation anymore’. 

 

‘That man was leaking information to Maxwell Lord, as you well know. Your commander couldn’t act on your suspicions without a confession, so I got him one’.

 

Alex sighs. Astra doesn’t know that Hank read the man’s mind in passing, and told Alex in order to find a way to find official proof. She hasn’t told Astra about Hank’s identity, and she’s not sure when, or even if she will. Its not her secret to share. ‘Alright, I’ll give you that one’. 

 

Astra shifts, turning away from Alex slightly and resting her head on the couch. She retrieves a book from the floor, and opens it to a marked page. The smile she gives Alex is almost lazy. ‘Think on it’. 

 

Alex watches her read for a moment. She and Kara had discovered that, now that she wasn’t searching for methods of world domination, Astra was eager to learn about their world, and their culture. Alex had agreed, and worked to find ways to show Astra the good things in their world. The woman seemed very familiar with the bad. She knew about their wars and their weapons of destruction, the condition of the ozone layer and the pitiful state of their forests. Those things made her sad, angry, and worried, and Alex knew that she saw a reflection of a world she believed she’d failed to save. Alex seeks to temper that. She finds evidence of human kindness and compassion and what it can do, examples of ordinary humans doing extraordinary things. She gives the woman books of poetry and art, and it feels like she's doing _something_ , though Alex isn’t sure what it is. 

 

Kara had taken the opportunity to thrust all seven  _Harry Potter_ books on her aunt with the declaration that they were one of the most important series in their generation. Astra is currently on the fourth, devouring them as if she can glean a piece of Kara’s past from their pages. 

 

‘I want her to be happy’. The words leave Alex before she’s registered that she wants to say them, and she’s not quite sure why she feels the need to say it. 

 

Astra looks up at her then, and smiles. It's a small, but warm smile, one that is usually reserved for Kara and Kara alone, and Alex thinks that it feels like another step, but this one, unlike the others, feels like it belongs solely to her. She’s not sure what to make of that.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The first time Astra meets Cat Grant goes well, until it doesn’t. 

 

Kara is nervous, that much is obvious, because it is the first time that Alex is really meeting Cat in an unofficial capacity as well. Alex realises how serious Kara is about this relationship when she first raises the idea, and not because of her, but because of Astra. She knows how long Kara has wanted Astra to be a part of her life, to be part of her family again, and the fact that she wants Cat to meet her speaks volumes. 

 

There is a sense of awkwardness at first, a tension that makes Alex immediately offer alcohol, and she realises that perhaps Cat is more nervous than her cool exterior presents when she immediately accepts. 

 

The tension begins to abate with a glass in her hand, and soon it lightens. Alex breathes a sigh of relief, and finds that her smiles become easy. Her fears regarding Kara’s relationship with the woman begin to ease too, because she knows that Cat wouldn’t be here if she didn’t at least _care_ , and there is something… something that Alex can’t name in the woman’s eyes when she looks at Kara. 

 

And despite Alex’s initial reservations, it is clear that Cat is trying. It seems to confirm what Astra said; that the woman cares for Kara, enough that she is here, attempting to get to know them, and she is not as abrasive as Alex remembers. Any jibes she makes are teasing, rather than cruel, and Alex finds herself almost comfortable, because she can do sarcastic. 

 

Cat questions Astra about exactly how she intends to save the world, and, predictably, asks for an interview. Alex decides she won’t be surprised if Cat ‘claims’ Astra with a name the following day.

 

And then it happens. The bottle is nearly empty, Cat is leaning back, smiling lazily, Kara leaning against her, and Alex is thinking that it is one of the least awkward family gatherings she’s ever been to, when Cat says, ‘Astra, we really must do something about your hair’.

 

Astra arches an eyebrow. ‘Whatever do you mean, little cat?’

 

It is not the first time Astra has used that nickname, and Cat makes a face of displeasure. It is clear that Astra knows she doesn’t like it, and there is a teasing note to her voice, a light mockery that Alex has rarely heard. It makes Kara smile. ‘I mean the white streak. What are you going for exactly?’

 

Something shifts in Astra’s expression, almost imperceptibly. ‘You will have to be more specific’. 

 

‘If you’re serious about showing people that you’re here to save the world, you might want to get rid of it. It’s a little like a tacky villain cliche’.

 

She says it lightly, sarcastically, in the same tone she’s been saying a lot of things, but Astra’s eyes harden, and Alex, sitting close beside her, _feels_ the shift in the air between them. Astra says flatly, ‘I’m afraid I know little about your culture’s cliches. Perhaps when I do I will understand your perspective. Until then, it stays’.

 

Cat smiles, and inclines her head. She says nothing more of it, but there is something strained in the room after that, something that puts a damper on the evening. Kara watches Astra out of the corner of her eye, a slight frown furrowing her brow, as if she felt what Alex sensed. Astra does not say another word. Alex feels like there is something brewing within the woman, an energy that radiates like heat from a furnace, and Alex suddenly wants Cat to leave, before whatever the woman is feeling explodes. 

 

After Cat has left, Kara by her side, Alex leans against the kitchen counter and watches Astra, sensing that the woman needs her space. 

 

Astra stares at the shadows for a long time, as if she’s watching ghosts Alex can’t see. Alex doesn’t speak. She feels hazy, tired and tipsy and a little confused, because aside from the sudden tension at the end, it was… good. That weight, that worry, in Alex’s heart has lessened, has eased, and with everything going on, it almost feels like a blessing. 

 

The only thing that seemed to go wrong was when Cat mentioned Astra’s hair, and privately, Alex doesn’t really understand, because she _agrees_. It was the first thing that came to mind when she first saw the woman, in that warehouse so long ago. 

 

‘Everyone used to get us mixed up’, Astra says suddenly, and Alex starts. She doesn’t need to second guess who the woman means. Astra is clenching and unclenching her hands slowly, her shoulders tense. There is a pain in her eyes that speaks of an old, old wound that has never healed. ‘Our parents included. And we had fun with it. We played tricks on people. We switched clothes, we switched seats, we did everything we could think of because we found it amusing. We were the only twins we knew’. She takes a deep breath, and it sounds like it's an effort. ‘One day, we got in trouble with someone official. Our parents were mortified, and angry, so they made me get this’, she curls a fingers around her white streak as if it isn’t clear. ‘Later, I welcomed it. I was… different from my sister. I didn’t want to be mistaken for her’. 

 

Alex says nothing, but listens, lets the woman speak, and she’s almost frozen, mesmerised. This is the first time Astra has spoken of Alura to her, and the pain in her eyes is horrible to see. 

 

Astra takes a deep, shuddering breath. ‘What began as a demand became something I wanted. But now…’ Astra’s expression twists, and that sadness always lingering around her has risen, screaming at Alex across the distance between them. ‘When I was younger, I would catch my reflection in the mirror, and sometimes I would think it was her, just for a moment’. She looks at Alex, finally, and her expression is raw. ‘I cannot risk that happening now’. 

 

Alex understands then that Astra is afraid. She’s afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing her sister, for that split second, and that it might break her. Alex knows that Astra regrets the way things were left between her and Alura, knows because Kara told her, because Astra has spoken to her niece about Alura, and even then, it was apparently difficult. 

 

Alex pushes off the counter and takes a step forward, but Astra is suddenly on her feet, backing up towards the window, towards the balcony, and Alex can see that she is about to flee. Astra’s face is hidden as she backs away, but Alex can hear the tightness in her voice when she says, ‘I will see you tomorrow, Alex. I may have an idea that will help us in this war’. 

 

She’s gone before Alex can say a word. Alex stands there in the dim light, staring out into the night sky, the stars blurring before unfocused eyes. She remembers that Astra had said one day that Kara deserved happiness, out of everyone, and that she would do whatever she could to ensure that happened. 

 

Standing there, with the memory of Astra’s tortured expression burned behind her eyes, Alex thinks that she wishes she could tell Astra that she does, too. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The next time Astra ends up on Alex’s couch, Alex is the one with her shirt off. 

 

‘How the tables have turned — that is the phrase you use, isn’t it?’

 

‘I’m glad you find this amusing, General’. 

 

‘Hold still, Agent’. 

 

Alex grits her teeth, and grips her knees tightly. Astra’s fingers are deft and gentle, but the wound stings. She takes a deep breath. ‘Remind me why I agreed to let you do this?’

 

‘You didn’t want to worry my niece with news of how reckless you were during what should have been a simple mission’. Astra sighs. Her breath is warm against the back of her neck. She presses her hand against the small of Alex’s back, and Alex shivers. She wonders if Astra felt this exposed when Alex tended to her wounds. ‘Relax, Agent Danvers. I’ve done this before’. 

 

‘I wasn’t being reckless, Astra. I was doing my job’. 

 

‘I warned you not to interfere’. 

 

‘You were taking on four different aliens, who weren’t Kryptonians, at once and you were pissed off, and sometimes that can lead to slips. I was trying to watch your back’. 

 

‘Yes, and here we are’. 

 

Alex resists the urge to shrug. Her injury, which extends diagonally from her shoulder to the centre of her back, is not actually deep, and therefore not that serious. ‘Risk is part of the job, Astra’. 

 

Astra doesn’t say anything. After a long silence, during which Alex becomes far too aware of Astra’s hands on her skin, she speaks to prevent herself from fidgeting, ‘at least we got them’. 

 

Astra hums in agreement. ‘Your commander seemed pleased’. 

 

‘You could tell?’

 

She hums again. 

 

Alex sighs. ‘Kara won’t be pleased that we led a mission without her’. 

 

‘She was busy. Besides, my information led me to believe that we would have little trouble retrieving those suits’. 

 

Alex sighs heavily. ‘I’m sorry about your informant’. 

 

Astra’s voice tightens. ‘She knew the dangers of feeding me information’. She is silent for a moment. Then she says quietly, her voice strained, ‘she was one of the few who shared my belief in the cause just as strongly. On Krypton, before certain...individuals pushed for violence and action, before, as my sister would’ve said, we became corrupt, she was a voice for diplomacy. As you know, many of my followers simply relished the opportunity to dominate this world. She did not. She wanted to help it. I would have liked it if she could have seen us save this world, when we so spectacularly failed our own’. She inhales sharply, and clears her throat. ‘But, it was not to be’. 

 

Alex frowns, realising from the woman’s tone that she’d misunderstood their relationship. She remembers the look on Astra’s face when they found the informant, the frozen, rigid set to her jaw, her eyes hollow and burning. She’d shaken it off, because the situation had required it, but Alex had seen it, and she’d seen the ferocity with which Astra had fought later, when they’d caught up to the group of Non’s soldiers attempting to remove the kryptonite-proof suits before they arrived. ‘She was your friend’. 

 

‘She… we hadn’t been very close for some time, but…yes. She was my friend’. 

 

‘What was her name?’

 

There is a pause. ‘Sera’. 

 

Alex hears the hitch in the woman’s voice, and reaches up to touch Astra’s hand where it rests on her shoulder, a brief thing. She senses the woman still. Alex takes a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry, Astra’. 

 

Astra’s fingers curl briefly against her shoulder, and her thumb smooths over her skin. Then she pulls her hand away, and goes back to her task. ‘We’re at war, Alex. Casualties are inevitable, and we must recognise that, even if they hurt’. 

 

Even though Astra speaks gently, Alex tenses. ‘There are casualties I can’t accept’. Kara’s name hangs heavily from their shoulders. ‘I don’t care what we have to do. I will not accept losing Kara’.

 

‘And neither will I’, Astra says vehemently. ‘I will do whatever I have to in order to protect my niece. If I have to save her from herself, I will’. 

 

‘From herself?’

 

‘Kara is a hero’, Astra says, by way of explanation, ‘and heroes can be a danger to themselves’. 

 

Alex swallows tightly, her chest tightening. Hearing her worst fear voiced aloud by someone who understands Kara practically as well as her  _burns_. ‘Then we’ll just have to stop them first’, she says, after several deep breathes in an attempt to calm down. 

 

‘Yes, we will’. 

 

They sit in silence, and Alex begins to grow cold, Astra’s hands startlingly warm in comparison. It feels like it takes a long time, but Astra is careful and methodical, and when she’s finished, Alex feels confident that it has been done well. 

 

Later, when Astra has washed her hands and they’ve both changed into clean clothes, sharing a very welcome pizza between them, Astra says, ‘I have a request, Alex’. 

 

Alex raises her eyebrows. ‘Yes?’

 

‘You said that you grew up with Kara’. Astra frowns slightly, like she’s having trouble expressing her request. ‘Would you… tell me about it? I missed much of her life. Too much’.

 

Alex finds herself smiling, and sees no reason to hold it back. ‘Embarrassing stories and all?’

 

‘Whatever comes to mind’. 

 

Alex’s smile widens. ‘I have a few good ones’.

 

Alex recounts whatever memories come to mind. She tells Astra about Kara’s arrival, first, small things that feel more like she’s stating facts from a file rather than her own memories. Then, as the words begin to flow more freely, she tells Astra about the personal things. She moves on to fond memories that make Alex smile in recollection, stories about Kara exploring her new world, and ones that make her laugh, like the time Alex broke a boy’s nose because he made fun of her sister. She finds that it is not hard to stick to the happy memories, the mundane even, because they were happy, and by the time her voice has gone hoarse, Astra’s smile almost mirrors her own. 

 

After a long, comfortable silence, Astra says, ‘she was happy, then’. 

 

Alex’s smile fades, her amusement dying, when she takes in the expression on Astra’s face. Beneath the fondness, there is that same sadness that Alex has always been aware of, but it is heavier, wilder, reminiscent of the time Alura’s ghost hovered at her shoulder, and for a moment Alex wonders if she has said something wrong. 

 

Astra takes a deep, shaky breath. ‘Thank you, Alex’.

 

Alex frowns. ‘For telling a few stories?’

 

‘No’. The woman pauses, and Alex has the impression that she is trying to find the right words. ‘I was not there for Kara, as she grew up, as she faced threats, and dealt with her developing powers’, she chuckles humourlessly, ‘I may not have been the best guardian anyway, immediately following my escape from prison. My experience there changed me and -’ she stops, and seems to shake herself. ‘What I am trying to say, Alex, is that you were there to protect her, when I could not. You were there to love her. Part of who she is today can be attributed to you. And for _that_ , Alex, I thank you’.

 

Alex stares at her, transfixed by the intensity of Astra’s gaze, by the regret and guilt and honest gratitude in her eyes, and all she can do, really, is smile. She doesn’t know what to say to that, because she would never brush it off. Instead, after a pause, she reaches out and covers Astra’s hand with her own. If she was seeking an excuse, an explanation, she might say that Astra sounds terribly like Kara then, like Kara when she was a child and was haunted by the world she left behind. Astra is not a child, but she is haunted by a world she believes she could have saved. She squeezes tightly. ‘Astra… I can’t say what you would’ve been like, then. But you’re here now. That’s the important thing’. 

 

Astra just smiles, small, and sad, and even though she says nothing, Alex can tell that she’s not convinced. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Astra is crying, and Alex has absolutely no idea what to do. 

 

She lies awake and listens to the woman’s attempts to muffle her sobs. Part of her is surprised that Astra is crying at all, but it is a very small part of her. Astra’s weak spot has always been Kara, and she’s become less and less efficient at disguising the guilt and regret she carries with her. Listening to everything she’d missed out on in Kara’s life seems to have been the tipping point. 

 

Alex tosses and turns and grits her teeth and wishes that she knew what to do. If she was Kara, she’d go out there and she’d hug the woman and she’d comfort her, and it would be easy to do. But she is not Kara. 

 

She doesn’t think that Astra would appreciate her trying to comfort her. She’s not sure if she would know how. She doesn’t know how Astra feels — she can’t even begin to understand how she feels, and any comfort she could give wouldn’t feel like enough. She feels awful, almost guilty, lying there listening to the woman cry, listening to something that Astra is clearly trying to hide, and doing nothing.

 

Alex texts Kara. There might be unfortunate consequences, but Astra sounds like she’s being ripped apart, and it hurts to listen to. 

 

She hears Kara arrive within minutes, and the weight on her chest eases. There is a murmur of voices, and eventually, Alex drifts off to the sound, confident, despite her initial hesitation, that she’s done the right thing. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

In the morning, Alex finds that Kara stayed. 

 

She enters the kitchen to find the two Kryptonians still fast asleep on her couch. Kara is leaning heavily on Astra’s shoulder, the older woman’s head resting atop hers, a blanket wrapped around them, tucked behind their shoulders. The sun gleams in Kara’s hair, catching in Astra’s white streak so that it glows. From this distance, Alex cannot see whether sadness still lingers around Astra, and decides to pretend that it isn’t there. 

 

Alex stares at them for a long time, stares at them until the image is fixed in her mind, and then she moves closer, quietly, and pulls her phone from her pocket. She captures the photo at an angle that has the sun shining around their heads like halos. 

 

She makes a mental note to find somewhere to print off the image. She doesn’t know where Astra spends her time when she isn’t with them, but Alex is pretty sure there is a pocket somewhere in the woman’s catsuit where she can keep the photo.

 

Steps, she’d said to Astra, what feels like a long time ago, was what they should aim for. Alex realises that it feels more like a beginning, a beginning that started when Astra first crashed into her apartment. It feels right to mark this realisation with a tangible memory. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

_It exudes hallucinogens,_ Astra’s words echo in her mind, later, with horror and guilt numbing her,  _you won’t know whether its caught you. You cannot trust anything you see._

 

That is what she’d said, staring at the image of the alien on the screen, undeniable concern furrowing her brow. They’d agreed on a codeword, her and Kara and Hank, a way to break through the illusion. There had been danger, of course, but it was a small group of kryptonians, with a single alien that absolutely needed to be taken down, and there had been little choice. 

 

The four of them went, Astra and Kara in their newly acquired suits, Kara’s altered to resemble her signature outfit, Hank and Alex with kryptonite swords strapped to their backs. 

 

And then it all went horribly, earth shatteringly wrong. 

 

Because code words meant nothing in the face of a split second, urgent moment. 

 

This is what Alex saw: Non leaning over Hank in his true form, his hand fastened around his throat, knee on his chest, his arm straining around the back of his head, and Alex saw the inevitable snap of the neck as if it had already happened. 

 

This is what was real: Astra kneeling beside Hank and tying something over a wound to stop the bleeding. Kara, fighting Non just in the distance, unaware of what was about to happen, unable to stop it. 

 

This is what happened: Alex drove her sword through Non’s back, and something deep in the recess of her mind, something buried under the pheromones that produced the hallucination, something screamed. 

 

Alex woke up later in the medical bay, her mind clear, but for a moment, she didn’t understand what had happened. Kara sat beside her, paler than she’d ever seen her, a half hidden terror in her eyes that Alex hadn’t understood. Kara had reached for her, taken her hands, and said,  _it's okay, Alex. Your body just shut itself down. The doctors think it was shock. Part of you understood what had really happened, and it fought with the part of your mind under the illusion, and you just passed out. But you’re okay._

 

Alex had stared at her with a growing sense of unease, and something like panic had flickered in Kara’s eyes.  _You don’t remember what happened, do you?_

 

Alex had looked at her, really, really looked at her, at the pale face, the hunched shoulders, and the tears gathering in her eyes, and had felt a single lance of pure, numbing horror.  _What did I do?_

 

Kara’s expression had crumbled, and Alex knew. She didn’t know how, but she did. 

 

Now, she sits outside the medical bay, numb and horrified and there is this awful, twisted, sickening sensation deep in her stomach that pulses in time to her heart beat, that sends lances of nausea up into her throat, and there is a burn behind her eyes. 

 

She can feel it, still, the sensation of driving the sword through Astra’s chest, the vibration that ran through her hands and up her arms. She wants to scrub it from her skin, wants to crawl inside herself and rip the memory from her mind. 

 

There is a figment left in her mind, the last strains of the pheromones still lingering, and it is laughing at her. 

 

Kara had said,  _it's not your fault_ , and Alex had wanted to scream, because Kara was comforting her, was trying to reassure her, when her aunt, the woman who she had longed to be on their side for so long, lay dying. 

 

She looks up when Hank approaches, concerned beneath the mask he’s forced to wear at headquarters, and Alex isn’t sure who the concern is for. ‘Anything?’ she asks, and her voice sounds hoarse and raw. 

 

Hank folds his arms and shakes his head. ‘They’re trying to stabilise her’, he says, watching her with a slight frown, and Alex knows he can see the guilt she’s trying to hide, ‘they think that if they can give her powers a boost, she’ll be able to heal on her own. Until then, its just a matter of keeping her alive’. 

 

Alex’s throat tightens, but she says nothing. She wants to say, _I thought you were going to die_ , and she knows that she doesn’t need to say it. She doesn’t need to say that if it had been Non, or anyone else, she wouldn’t feel so awful, and she wouldn’t regret it. But its Astra and Astra is… important, for want of a better word. 

 

If Astra dies, Alex will have ripped the woman from Kara’s life when she’s only just found her. She thinks about everything that has happened in the past weeks, the meetings that turned into something more, that way Astra softened around her niece, the way she fell into the pattern of redemption as if it was all she’d ever wanted. The burn behind her eyes reaches a peak, and she scrubs a hand over her face to hide it.

 

‘You need to get some sleep, Agent Danvers. You heard the doctors — your system needs to recover from those pheromones’. 

 

‘I’m fine’. 

 

‘Go home, Agent Danvers. Taking care of yourself is how you can help Kara’. 

 

Alex clenches her jaw, stubborn and resistant. She doesn’t like that she’s being treated as if she’s the one who’s been hurt. It is just another thing on top of all the wild, aching things she’s feeling, and its almost overwhelming. Something in Hank’s expression softens, almost imperceptibly. ‘Go home, Alex. Thats an order’. 

 

Alex could protest, but she’s tired and overwhelmed and she feels like she’s on the edge, and that twisted feeling in her stomach keeps winding tighter and tighter. So she sags, and gives in. 

 

Kara hugs her tightly when she says goodbye, hugs her and says, ‘it’s not your fault’, and Alex doesn’t look at the body lying behind her, surrounded by glaring yellow lights and wires and machines. 

 

When she gets home, dragging herself up the stairs, she finds Cat Grant standing outside her door. 

 

‘Where’s Kara?’ The woman doesn’t wait for Alex to approach, and despite the sharpness of the question there is undeniable concern in her eyes. 

 

Alex has never been less pleased to see her. She doesn’t reply, instead stepping past her to unlock the door, and she notices almost absently that her hand is shaking. 

 

‘Alex’, Cat must realise something is wrong, because her voice pitches higher, ‘where is she? I know about what you were doing this evening, and she was meant to come over after. She’s not answering her phone. Kara never doesn’t answer her phone’. 

 

Alex wants to shut the door in the woman’s face. She wants to scream at her. And none of it is Cat’s fault. 

 

_It’s not your fault_.  

 

She steps aside to let Cat into her apartment, and shuts the door with more force than intended. She says nothing, and goes straight to the kitchen. She returns with a bottle of vodka and two clean glasses, to find Cat sitting in her living room, eyeing her with a sharp, analysing look. 

 

Alex doesn’t speak until her second glass, when she finally says, ‘Kara’s back at the DEO’. 

 

Cat’s eyes narrow. The analysing look doesn’t go away. ‘What happened?’

 

‘Kara’s fine’. A lie. 

 

Cat sees through it easily, and her fingers whiten on the glass. Alex has the impression that she’s searching for a way to make her tell her what happened. Normally, Cat would ask like an order, but she seems to know that won’t work. ‘If Kara was fine’, she says eventually. She would have called me. You wouldn’t look as terrible as you do’. She pauses. ‘What happened, Alex?’ 

 

The alcohol burns her tongue, and Alex wishes that it would burn away the memory of what she did, the sensation still tingling at her fingertips. It would be easy to say, ‘Astra was hurt, Kara’s with her’, but Cat would pounce, and she’d want to know more, and telling her what happened will make it true. 

 

‘The group of aliens we were fighting had one among them who caused hallucinations. I stabbed someone who, at the time, I believed was someone else, about to kill my commander. I was mistaken’. Alex says it in a rush, gritting her teeth. She downs it with a glass, as if to purge the words from her mouth. 

 

Cat’s gaze sharpens, but she seems to visibly relax. Alex remembers what Astra said about Cat caring for Kara deeply, remembers the conclusions she’d come to sitting in this very spot, and swallows tightly. ‘Will she be alright?’

 

Alex frowns. ‘Kara?’

 

‘Astra’. 

 

‘How did you -’ 

 

‘You lied when you said Kara was fine. Aside from you, I can’t think of anyone else that would cause her to stay behind, and forget everything else’. 

 

Alex says nothing for a moment. The words are lodged in her throat, and the last thing she wants to do is cry in front of Cat Grant. ‘I don’t know’, she says finally, staring down into her glass. ‘I stabbed her -’ the words stick, and instead of saying it, she touches the centre of her chest, and for a moment, the ache feels physical. ‘They heal fast, but…'

 

She lets it trail off. There is silence for a time, and Alex glances at her phone, wishing desperately for some news, any news. This waiting is the worst. 

 

‘You’re a lot more like Kara than I thought’. 

 

‘Excuse me?’

 

Cat’s gaze has softened, just slightly, just enough. ‘Kara would needlessly blame herself for this, too’. 

 

When Alex says nothing, the woman continues, ‘things happened that were beyond your control . Blaming yourself helps no one’. 

 

Alex feels like there is a fist clenched around her heart, squeezing mercilessly. ‘It won’t matter if Astra dies’. 

 

Cat says nothing to that, and Alex is glad, because there is nothing to say. 

 

They sit in silence after that, almost like a strange, distant vigil, and they drink, and they wait for news, and neither of them say a word. Cat does not leave, and Alex does not ask her to. There is a strange comfort in her presence. 

 

Alex clutches her glass, and stares out at the darkening sky, and thinks, _please._

 

_Please_. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

The vibration of her phone against her stomach wakes her, and Alex opens her eyes groggily, fumbling for it in the dark. It is dark in her apartment, and out through her window the stars are obscured by thick, black clouds. She’s disorientated for a moment, before she realises that she passed out, flat on her back with her arm hanging off the couch, glass resting in loose fingers. 

 

Cat is asleep opposite her, slipped sideways, her hair obscuring her face. Alex isn’t sure what to think of the fact that she stayed. 

 

‘Hello?’ Her voice rasps, and Alex suddenly becomes aware of the haze hanging over her, the headache pounding behind her eyes, and suppresses a groan. 

 

_‘You sound awful’._

 

Alex sits bolt upright, hangover forgotten, and her glass rolls across the floor to be lost in the dark. She clutches the phone to her ear until her knuckles turn white. ‘Astra?’ she breathes, a question, almost disbelieving. 

 

‘ _You weren’t mourning me already, were you?’_

 

‘I -’ Alex can’t speak, because there is relief crashing down on her, sudden, overwhelming relief that makes her feel lightheaded, that makes her feel like she’s drowning, and she reaches out and grabs at the couch. Astra is _teasing_ her, as usual, as if nothing is wrong, and she can’t believe this is real. ‘Are you -’ 

 

_‘I’m fine, Alex’._

 

Alex makes a disbelieving sound. ‘I stabbed you, Astra. Right through the chest. You can’t be fine’. 

 

Astra laughs softly, and Alex thinks that it sounds pained.  _‘I will live’._

 

‘Thats -’ Alex stops. She doesn’t want to argue with the woman, and she knows that Astra is a stubborn as she is. She sighs. ‘Just tell me the truth, Astra’. 

 

There is a pause, and Alex wishes she was there, by the woman’s side, so that she could see her face, could see that she really was _alive_. Alex closes her eyes and lets the relief wash over her, lets herself drown in it, because its more than she dared to hope for. Astra is _alive._

 

_‘It hurts’,_ Astra says finally, and Alex can hear how exhausted she sounds, how strained, her voice rough and scratchy, like she’s been screaming, ‘ _it burns. Its not the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, but its close. It felt like being split open and having hot metal poured through me. I thought I was going to die’._

 

Alex feels the words strike her like physical blows, but somehow, hearing it feels good. It feels better than people pretending she’d done nothing. 

 

_‘But I lived. I’m alive, Alex. You have nothing to feel guilty for’._

 

‘I still stabbed you’. 

 

_‘You didn’t know it was me’._

 

‘It still happened’. 

 

_‘If Kara was in your situation right now, what would you tell her?’_

 

Alex sighs. She should’ve known that Astra would take that angle. She almost smiles. ‘That it wasn’t her fault’. 

 

_‘And it wasn’t yours’._

 

Alex knows that. She does, despite how she’s feeling, despite what she’s said, she knows that it wasn’t her fault. She knows that, and yet… there is something about Astra’s total acceptance of what happened to her that bothers Alex. She doesn’t sound angry, or resentful, just… tired. 

 

‘I’m sorry’, she says, because even if it wasn’t her fault, even if she thought she had no choice, she needs to say it. ‘I’m so sorry’. 

 

_‘I don’t blame you, Alex’._

 

She wants to say, _I know, I know and thats what bothers me, you shouldn’t accept that you could’ve died, that I could’ve killed you, so easily, as if it was nothing._

 

She doesn’t want Astra to hate her for what happened, but this calm acceptance is worse than rage. Rage, Alex can handle. 

 

‘You didn’t deserve that’, Alex says it fiercely, vehemently, her phone pressed hard to her ear, as if she can reach across the intangible connection between them and make Astra believe it. 

 

There is silence, and Alex can picture Astra’s expression, that same sad disbelief she saw when she told the woman that her presence in Kara’s life now was what mattered. Then Astra makes a noise of irritation. ‘One of your doctors is insisting I sleep’. 

 

Alex doesn’t know whether it’s a lie, so she swallows down everything she wants to say ( _you matter, you matter, you matter)_ and she doesn’t tell Astra about Kara’s devastation ( _and Kara was terrified, I’ve never seen her so terrified, Astra, never, you can’t die on her)_ or her own horror ( _or on me_ ) and only says, ‘get better, Astra’.

 

‘ _I will’._ Astra says it like a promise. 

 

‘And Astra?’

 

‘ _Yes?’_

 

There are a thousand things she wants to say, but they feel to raw, too dangerous a this time of night, after everything, after the relief still coursing through her veins, despite the distance between them. So she sighs, and says simply, ‘sleep well’. 

 

She drops her phone into her lap and stares at the shadows for a while, and thinks about the surge of emotion she experienced, and everything that has been tumbling around inside her. 

 

Across from her, Cat stirs, raising her head and peering at her from beneath her eyelashes, still clearly half asleep. ‘Well?’

 

‘She’s going to be fine’. 

 

‘Good’, Cat mumbles, rolling over and away from Alex and promptly falling straight back to sleep. 

 

Alex stares out the window, at the curve of the half moon that has appeared from behind the clouds, and repeats the words over and over again like a mantra until they feel real, until she believes them. 

 

_She’s going to be fine._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm?? So??? Upset?????? That Astra's dead????
> 
> I just... i get that Laura is busy and I'm super happy for her but there are a million other ways they could've explained her absence? put her in a coma or have her get captured by Lane or Lord if they wanted angst or just?? ANYTHING ELSE 
> 
> i can usually see character deaths coming - especially my favs - and i didn't see this coming and i feel CHEATED because it really felt like we were looking at a redemption arch. 
> 
> so obviously i changed a lot because in the universe where this has been happening Alex would never intentionally stab Astra through the back. as to why i kept it at all, it actually felt like it fit well with the flow of the story. another quick thing - just because of when i started writing this, Maxwell Lord hasn't been taken in by the DEO. Bizarro happened, but Max didn't reveal that he knows Supergirl's identity, and had Bizarro go after Kara just as Supergirl. And obviously, Kara's date thing with Adam didn't happen, because she's with Cat. 
> 
> I'm officially extending this story because i cannot accept that Astra is dead and i need to fix that


	4. Chapter 4

Things are different after that. 

 

Alex can’t pin point exactly what it is, but the shift is as noticeable as if it is physical. She can’t forget what happened, even if Astra has absolved her, even if she understands that she didn’t have a choice. She can’t forget the sensation, and she can’t forget how she felt afterwards, the dread and despair and horror that preceded the pure, overwhelming relief when she received the phone call. 

 

She remembers that feeling, remembers the things she wanted to say but couldn’t, words that have curled at the back of her mind, ghosts that surface in the early hours, and sometimes she catches herself wondering what would happen if she said them. 

 

Astra’s recovery takes time, though not as long as it would if she was human. She’s driven the doctors insane within a week because she insists on continuously trying to get out of bed, and Kara is called in frequently to get her to return to the infirmary. Alex is hardly surprised - she knows from experience that kryptonians do not make good patients. 

 

Its not until she’s asked by a frazzled doctor to convince Astra to come down from the roof that she thinks that maybe Kara was easier to handle. 

 

‘You know you’re meant to be on our side now, right? Driving our doctors to an early grave doesn’t exactly align with that’. 

 

Astra turns her head, surprise etched into her previously serene expression. Alex doesn’t doubt that if the woman was at full health, if her body wasn’t still focusing on repairing the hole in her chest, she would have heard her approach. She is a little surprised that she didn’t feel the vibrations her feet made on the roof, but perhaps Astra is more exhausted than she appears. 

 

‘How did you get up here?’

 

‘There is a fire escape, right there’, Alex points to her left, though Astra doesn’t look away from her face. ‘Not all of us can fly, you know’. 

 

‘I am well aware of your race’s tendency to fall, Alex’. 

 

Alex folds her arms and stares down at the woman, raising her eyebrows. ‘You know that Kara will kill you if she finds you’ve left the Med bay before you should have’. 

 

‘She doesn’t need to know’.

 

‘Are you forgetting your doctors? Our security? How did you even get up here without anyone stopping you?’

 

Astra smiles slightly, as if its a secret, and turns away again, closing her eyes against the sun. Her hair is fanned out around her, and Alex catches herself noticing the way the light almost seems to glitter in the strands. The woman is lying flat on her back, the sun glaring down on her, her hands curled on her stomach. ‘Are you going to make me return to my bed, Agent?’

 

Alex blinks. She sits down beside Astra, and stares out towards the horizon. The sky is painted in pastels, a dusky orange bleeding into pale pink against a clear blue sky. If Kara were here, she’d probably want to paint it, if she let herself forget about the responsibility resting on her shoulders. ‘Maybe. Are you going to tell me why you escaped the Med bay, where you know you should be, to lie on a roof?’

 

There is a pause. ‘I know I am still… recovering, Alex. But if I stay in that room for any longer I might break something - or someone. Which wouldn’t look very good for my image with your organisation, would it?’

 

‘You know that you haven’t been considered the enemy for a while, Astra’. 

 

‘For you, perhaps. You can’t speak for the rest of your people’. 

 

Alex frowns, but says nothing. There it is again, that hint of how Astra sees herself. Alex fights down a prickle of worry. She didn’t think she’d have to be concerned about two Kryptonians being willing to sacrifice themselves in the conflict to come, Kara, for everyone, Astra for Kara, and she doesn’t know how to tell Astra that its not acceptable. Kara needs her, has only just got her back, and despite all the stress and pressure of the last few weeks, she’s seen a happiness in her sister that is almost blinding. She saw a hint of the impending devastation if Astra does die, and she wants to prevent that, but doesn’t know how. 

 

_I will do whatever I have to in order to protect my niece._

 

At the time, Alex hadn’t doubted Astra’s words at all. She just hadn’t considered  _how_ the woman intended to save Kara. And now, she wants to go back to that moment and make herself tell Astra that they both needed to come out of this alive, but she can’t, and she doesn’t think it would make a difference if she said it now. 

 

She’d wondered why Astra had gone to the roof, of all places, but sitting beside the woman and staring at the painted sky, she finds that there is a strange sense of serenity up here. Like a strange pocket of peace and silence that has been removed from the world, and all their troubles. She closes her eyes and tilts her head up to the sun, and lets the warmth wash some of the tension from her shoulders. 

 

It is Astra who breaks the silence, finally, her voice reaching Alex as if from a long way away. ‘With our efforts concentrated on stopping my fellow aliens, I have been distracted from my goal. This… your world is beautiful’. 

 

Alex turns her head. Astra is looking straight at her, eyes lidded against the sun. Alex blinks. The woman looks strangely content, stretched out in the sun like a lazy cat, but despite the relaxed position, there is an intense look in her eyes, and something deep at the back of her mind stirs, as if it knows how to respond even if she can’t identify the expression. As if it longs to. 

 

  
_That_ feels like a dangerous thought, and Alex tears away from what had become very long eye contact and returns her gaze to the horizon. She smiles to cover whatever Astra might have seen, and directs the conversation into safer waters. ‘Kara tells me you’ve been calling Cat a lot. Is that to do with your original intentions?’

 

Cat Grant became ‘Cat’ after that night, when Alex appreciated the woman’s presence even if she didn’t say so, when she woke up to find the imposing CEO out cold on her couch. It is another shift, a shift from wariness to acceptance to something like trust. She doesn’t worry about Cat’s intentions anymore, at least. 

 

‘I’ve been attempting to find ways to save your world that, as Kara put it, don’t involve world domination. I thought that the Queen of Media would be the best person to start with’. 

 

‘Did she ask you for an interview?’

 

‘Demanded would be a better word. But… it is not a bad idea. Your people read what she writes, even if they might not believe it. She’s a reliable and respected source to a lot of people. Even if it is dismissed, it will be out there’. 

 

Alex raises her eyebrows slightly, though it really shouldn’t surprise her that Astra has lost some of the naivety that she had about the way their world worked when this first began. She and Kara were doing their best to change that, and its not like the woman has had anything else to do while she’s been bed ridden. ‘And when are you planning to do this interview?’

 

‘Whenever this is over’.

 

Alex does look at her then, and finds herself smiling before she’s really processed why. If Astra is talking about an after, if she’s looking for ways to further her original goal once this conflict is behind them, then maybe Alex doesn’t have to worry. She knows that if it comes down to it, Astra would sacrifice herself for Kara without a second thought, but maybe Astra doesn’t think it will come to that. Alex has to hope thats the case. 

 

A comfortable silence settles between them, and Alex finds herself replaying everything that has happened since Astra’s ‘death’ just over two weeks ago. 

 

It has been both chaotic and eerily calm. There has been silence from Non’s inner circle of Kryptonians, and none of them have been seen since the incident. It is likely that the man genuinely thinks that Astra is dead, considering that he’d have no reason to suspect otherwise. There have been constant attacks from the Fort Rozz aliens, but they’ve all been minor, easy to contain, and they know from Astra’s intel that those responsible, those captured, are merely foot soldiers. 

 

It is a distraction, a way to keep their organisation occupied, and it worries them. Astra believes that Non is preparing for open warfare, and Alex and Hank are inclined to agree with her. It has them all on edge, Astra perhaps more noticeably. Alex has become very familiar with the expression of frustration that is so frequently displayed on the woman’s face. In every scenario that they planned for, during those days pouring over intel with Kara, cooped up in her apartment, even if they were simply outlines, Astra was always at peak strength. She was always fighting by Kara’s side, always watching her back, someone who could even the playing field. Now, she’s recovering from an injury that is taking days to heal, even at her accelerated rate. She knows that Astra is worried that even if she has healed by the time this conflict explodes, she’ll be weak. And it is easy to see how frustrated, how worried, the idea makes her. 

 

This moment feels like the calm before the storm, and Alex suddenly can’t find any comfort in the sun, or the view. She doesn’t like the feeling that this is a respite, a comfort, that they won’t have again for a long time. She shivers, and shakes her head, wishing that she hadn’t thought of that. She breaks the silence finally, seeking to distract herself, knowing that she should get back to work. ‘You never answered my question’. 

 

‘Which one?’

 

‘Why the roof?’

 

Astra seems to consider her answer. She points upwards, a gesture that might have been cryptic if not for the accompanying explanation, ‘I’m not a fool. I wanted to get away, but I know that I need… assistance in my recovery’, she makes a face, as if the very thought is repulsive to her.

 

‘You came out onto the roof to sun bake?’

 

Astra frowns, clearly not understanding the term, but she doesn’t question Alex. It is a sign, perhaps more than anything, of how exhausted the woman is. 

 

Alex’s phone vibrates against her hip, startling her. She’d felt so absurdly removed from the world. A text from Kara reads _, if I come in and find that Hank wasn’t exaggerating when he said that Astra had escaped, I might kill her myself._  


A very slight smile pulls at Alex’s lips as she reads the message. It is good, she thinks, that Kara has reached a stage where she can joke about it again. She’s seen the shift in Kara’s relationship with Astra since what is being referred to as ‘the Incident’. There is a fierce protectiveness in Kara now that Alex has never seen before. She’s seen… hints of it, the edges of it, whenever Kara has seen her after a harrowing mission, whenever she’s hurt, as if her sister didn’t want to show her how worried she was, but couldn’t quite hide it. There is an open display of it now that is entirely different. Kara is always reaching for her aunt, without hovering, but Alex doesn’t think that Astra would care, anyway. The older woman leans into Kara’s touch whenever it is offered, shifts towards her whenever she approaches. It is clear that she craves the contact as much as Kara, perhaps more. Unlike her niece, Astra has lived a life without affection since her incarceration at Fort Rozz, or so Alex assumes. The woman’s relationship with her husband hardly seems affectionate, considering that he stabbed her in the back. It is a craving that Alex saw a hint of when Kara first brought her aunt to the DEO, a yearning that was visible even through a cage. Seeing the soft, almost surprised look in Astra’s eyes every time Kara doesn’t flinch away from contact is strangely… painful. 

 

Alex shakes herself, and glances at Astra. ‘Kara’s on her way’. 

 

Astra makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a groan. ‘I am not endangering myself’, she says, and despite the exasperated words, her tone is unmistakably fond.

 

‘Try telling her that’. 

 

Astra smiles slightly. ‘Oh, I will’. 

 

‘You’re not going to return to the Med bay, are you?’

 

Astra hesitates for a moment, before saying. ‘I… do not believe I can. I may have used too much energy getting up here’.

 

Alex blinks in surprise, taken aback by the honest admission to what she assumes Astra considers a weakness. It is a strange, small show of trust, that admission. So she says, ‘I’ll meet Kara and tell her where you are. There isn’t any harm in you staying up here, I guess’. 

 

Astra smiles at her, an honest, blinding smile that pulls at something in Alex’s chest. ‘Thank you, Alex’. 

 

Alex lets herself smile in return. She stands, looking down at the woman, and there is a strange parallel, she thinks, in this reversal of positions, even if the context is so very different. ‘I’ll let you have your space’. 

 

‘You don’t have to go, Alex. You’re not the one treating me like an invalid’. 

 

It is true, because despite the fact that Alex is responsible for putting Astra in this position, she knows how frustrating it is to be hovered over after an injury in the field. She detested it, still does, and she’d suspected that Astra would feel the same. She hesitates, casting her eyes towards the horizon to avoid Astra’s intense gaze. There is a part of her that recognises this as some sort of invitation, and that part wonders whether its almost a test, whether leaving or staying would change things. 

 

She thinks about the things she has to do, the reports she’s poured over a dozen times, and the pressure and dread at the conflict to come that awaits her off the roof. She thinks about the softness in Astra’s expression, and that they are heading towards an end that will be bloody and violent, one that could take more from them than they are willing to give. 

 

Alex sits down beside Astra, and wraps her arms around her knees. Astra’s eyes soften, the intensity melting into something else that Alex can’t identify, and she sits up slowly. Alex pretends that she doesn’t see the slight grimace. 

 

They sit side by side, watching the sun dip below the horizon, and Alex allows herself to forget, just for a while, that this could all end in tears. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

‘So you’re the one who killed my wife’. 

 

Alex spins, and a blow to her ribs sends her flying. She lands hard in a pile of rubble, the impact partly softened by the body sprawled over the mound. She scrambles upright immediately, ignoring the sharp pain in her side, the burn when she breathes, and when she raises her gun, her hands do not shake. 

 

‘Look at you’, Non is a silhouette against the dull glow of the fires burning behind him, his voice full of disgust and anger, ‘so weak. So fragile. I can hear how hard your heart is beating, human. You’re afraid. Its pathetic’. 

 

‘I’m not afraid’, Alex spits, adrenaline thrumming through her, ‘I’m angry’. 

 

And it is true. The fear at the back of her mind is residual, and it has very little to do with his sudden appearance. It is fear for Kara and what might happen to her, a fear that she has learnt to ignore. And she  _is_ angry. She is angry because of his arrogance, angry that he wants to destroy her world, that he wants to destroy Kara, that they’ve been dragged into a war that will end in countless, needless deaths. 

 

Alex is angry, and she almost wants to bait him. She wonders if he can tell that the bullets in her gun are made of kryptonite. He’s wearing the kryptonite-proof suit, but his head is exposed, and she wonders whether he’d attempt to avoid her if she fired. 

 

‘Your anger does not frighten me, human’. 

 

‘You know what? You talk too much’. 

 

Non stalks forward, and she sees the sneer twisting his face, the anger darkening his eyes. There is blood coating his suit, blood that glints scarlet in the glow behind him, blood that can only be human. The anger simmering in her chest roars. 

 

‘Astra must have grown weaker than I realised to have let you kill her’, he snarls, and the contempt in his expression colours with anger, ‘it is disappointing, but you still killed her’. 

 

Alex cannot help but be incredulous, recognising the desire for vengeance in his eyes. ‘Are you serious?’ she spits, part of her unable to believe that they are even having this conversation, with fire and destruction all around them, ‘you want to kill me for what you tried to do?’

 

The anger in his expression darkens to hatred, rising swiftly to the surface, and it is so easy to provoke him. ‘It was necessary. She’d lost her way. Betrayed a cause we’d spent our lives furthering, all for Kara. For weakness. She lost sight of our purpose, and was holding us back’.

 

‘So you’d still kill her, if she was alive?’

 

‘I had hoped to face her in battle, and give her the death she deserved’. Non speaks like he believes every word he says, with a conviction and strength that Alex can suddenly picture in another situation. She thinks she might understand why they had such a following, back on Krypton, with Non’s impassioned words and Astra’s fierce belief in what they were doing. She remembers that Non was the first to turn to violence, and is not surprised. ‘She was our General, human, and that is a title not gained lightly. She worked her way to the top and we followed. And then Alura, your  _sister’s mother’,_ he spits the words like they taste foul, ‘threw us into a hell, a dark place that contained the worst criminals our world had to offer. It took many of us. And Astra fought and clawed her way through the mob, striking down those who opposed her, and asserting control. After all that, she deserved a better death than the one  _you_ gave her, no matter how much she’d betrayed’. 

 

Alex is slightly fascinated, despite the situation, because Astra has never spoken of her time in Fort Rozz. She thinks of the scars marring the woman’s back, and wonders if thats where she got them. ‘Your logic is bizarre’, is all she says, struck by the way Non talks about Astra, without affection, with respect that seems laced with disgust. 

 

‘I am not surprised that it makes no sense to you, human’. 

 

Alex says nothing to that. She stands there and stares down the barrel of her gun at him and wonders how long this pause will last, how long they’ll be counterpoints at opposite ends of a precariously balanced standoff. She wants to shoot him, to get this over with, to  _shut him up_ , but he is watching her like a hawk, and if he tries to dodge, he will. 

 

He starts to move, stalking in a circle around her, and she follows him with her weapon. ‘You realise you could not have killed her, had you not stabbed her in the back. You humans are so fragile. So weak. I’m going to kill you, and it will be as easy as it was with the rest of your soldiers’. 

 

The anger churning through her hits a peak, and Alex is done talking. She fires, and Non moves. She keeps firing even as he blurs, sees a spurt of blood, hears Non roar, and then her hands are empty and there is a hand fastened around her throat, and her feet leave the ground. 

 

Non takes her higher and higher, the breath sucked from her lungs at the speed they climb, his fingers a vice on her throat, and she kicks and struggles, hands clawing at his face, even though she knows she can’t hurt him. Her hand catches on a gash on his neck, and the smile that curves her lips is wild and almost feral, because even if she’s going to die now, she’s left a mark on him. 

 

Non drops her. 

 

Alex twists as she falls, turning so that she can’t see him watching her, watching her rapid descent towards the ground, so that she can’t feel his eyes boring into her, and instead she finds herself facing the horizon, unable to twist enough to face the ground. The wind buffets at her, as if she’s no more than a rag doll, her limbs pushed upwards, and she imagines in a detached way that she must look comical. She sees the reality of what is happening, the serenity of the dark sky dotted with shinning stars clashing against chaos below, the torn up earth and pavement, the craters and rubble and fire, the smoke that curls ever upwards, and she sees the inevitable stain her body will leave there, like some insignificant mark in a conflict that has already claimed too many lives.  

 

And then Astra catches her. 

 

She knows its Astra because Kara has caught her before, and whoever slams into her does with too much force, doesn’t slow down, doesn’t gentle their grip, and for a moment Alex thinks she’s hit the ground, because its like slamming into steel, and then she becomes aware of the arms around her back, the hair whipping at her face, a grip of iron that restricts her breathing, and the despite the pain that shoots through her injuries, relief washes over her with such intensity that she feels her throat tighten and her head spin. 

 

Astra releases her almost immediately when they land, but she reaches out when Alex stumbles, a hand fastening on her elbow, and Alex grips her forearm to steady herself. The world spins and her ribs burn, and she curls an arm around her waist in a futile attempt to ease the pain. 

 

‘… alright?’

 

Alex becomes aware that Astra is speaking, and she grips that arm tighter to ground herself. The world comes back into focus abruptly, and Astra is very close to her, face pinched in concern. The side of her face is caked in dirt and blood, blood that is tainted a faint blue, a physical sign of the things they have been facing, and Alex realises that beneath the concern, there is pain. 

 

‘Alex’, the woman reaches up and grabs her shoulder, ‘are you alright?’

 

‘I’m fine’, it comes out as a wheeze, and Alex doesn’t want to tell Astra that the mid-air collision hurt. Instead, she reaches out without thinking and touches her fingers to the centre of the woman’s chest, lightly, and frowns, ‘are you?’

 

She’s recognised the way Astra is standing, shoulders tight, her back curved slightly, a far cry from the once straight, ram rod posture Alex remembers, and she wonders if the action hurt her, too. They both know that even though Astra has recovered enough to help them, she’s not fully healed, that everything takes more effort than it should, and Alex knows that Astra hates how weak it makes her. Astra’s expression hardens. ‘It doesn’t matter. We have bigger concerns’. 

 

The reality of their situation, of where they are, hits Alex sharply, a cold stab of clarity that slices through the pain and approaching exhaustion, rekindling the adrenaline that spiked before she fell. She looks around quickly, searching, analysing, checking that they really do have this moment to catch their breath. They are standing in the shadow of a jagged overhang of concrete that was once part of the road, metal and fire twisted around them. The air smells of smoke and explosives, and now that she’s aware of it, she can hear the sounds of fighting all around them, even if she can’t see it. 

 

She turns back to Astra, aware that her hand is still resting against the woman’s chest, and sucks in a sharp breath, grimacing as her ribs ache. She wonders if its just bad bruising, or if she has broken something. ‘Thanks for that’.

 

Astra’s lips twitch in a half smile, but there is something dark in her eyes, something cold, and Alex wonders if the woman thinks that they wont survive this. ‘Don’t thank me yet, Alex’. 

 

There is a rushing sound, and they both look up to see a blur of blue and red zoom overhead, followed by a number of dark shapes. Astra tenses. She glances back at Alex, searching her face quickly. ‘Do you have any weapons?’

 

‘I’ll find something’, Alex ignores the dread that stirs in her gut, ignores the terror that shoots through her at the thought of Kara taking on Non’s inner circle on her own, because she can’t think about that. She can’t be Kara’s sister here, however impossible that might feel. ‘Go help Kara’. 

 

Astra nods, but she doesn’t move. She stares at her for a moment, a muscle jumping in her jaw, her brow furrowed, and in the flickering orange light cast by the fires surrounding them, and the silver darkness above, she is all angles and sharp lines, the hard General that Alex had not forgotten she could be, even if Kara had, but the look in her eyes is strangely raw, strangely vulnerable. The woman says, ‘fight well, Alex’, and it sounds too much like a farewell. 

 

And Alex looks at her, at the almost resigned expression behind her eyes, at the way her mouth is turned down, she looks at her and feels a surge of  _something_ , something unidentifiable with the adrenaline pumping through her veins, with relief and anger still tumbling around in her head, she can’t place it, doesn’t have time to, but she thinks about the fact that she nearly died, that if Astra dies it’ll be because of the injury might have healed physically but has left her drained, she thinks about the way the woman seems to value her life so little, that she’d die for Kara, even if that sacrifice wasn’t necessary, she thinks about it and she wants to tell the woman that her death is not acceptable, because Kara loves her and needs her, she wants to tell her to survive, to live and -

 

Alex kisses her. She kisses her, because she doesn’t know how to say what she needs to say, and realises that she’s been wanting to do it for a long time. Astra responds immediately,  _instantly_ , like she’d been waiting for Alex to move, like she’d been expecting it, her hand moving up to cup the back of her neck, cradling her head, pulling her impossibly closer, and Alex grips her arm tightly, her hand caught between them, pressed over Astra’s heart, and she can taste blood and metal and she doesn’t care because all she can think about is that she should have done this sooner. 

 

She tears away because she has to, and for a second she stares at Astra, at the fire reflected in her eyes, the cracked expression, and steels herself. ‘Go’, she says, squeezing Astra’s arm again, ‘go help Kara’. 

 

Astra nods, and steps back, and despite the situation, there is a very faint smile playing about her mouth. Alex feels words bubble up from the tide of things that she wants to tell the woman, and says fiercely, ‘don’t die, Astra’.

 

Astra’s smile widens, a flash of brilliance in the dark, and she says, ‘I don’t intend to, Alex’. 

 

And then she’s gone. 

 

Alex takes a deep breath, and mentally switches gears, falling back into a state of mind that she needs to get through this, one she’s often used to avoid thinking about Kara during the heat of a mission, and now she puts what just happened there too, shoving it to the back of her mind. She squares her shoulders, and starts moving, bending low in the hope that she won’t be seen until she can find some weapons, and thinks,  _don’t die._  


_Don’t die._

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

When the end comes, it is in silence that follows one last, violent explosion that throws Alex against a slab, a silence so abrupt that for a moment she wonders if she’s lost her hearing. 

 

She pushes herself up, her hand shaking from adrenaline and an injury to her shoulder, and raises her gun. For a moment, she stays there, half leaning against the slab behind her, eyes darting back and forth, trying to understand why a ringing silence has fallen over the world. 

 

Surely it can’t be over?

 

  
_Kara,_ she thinks, and now that there is a possibility that it might be over, now that she’s considering it, her terror for her sister comes surging to the surface, terror because she hasn’t seen her since she zoomed over head. 

 

She pushes off the slab, cradling her ribs with one hand, and starts to limp forward. A sharp stab of pain lances up her leg with each step, and she’s convinced now that she has a few broken ribs, and there are dozens of scrapes and bruises that pulse in time to her heart beat, an ache at the base of her scull that throbs, but she doesn’t care. She has to find Kara. 

 

After the chaos, after the explosions and gunfire and hisses and screams, the silence is unnerving. She sees shapes moving through the smoke, silhouetted against patches of fire that glow in the darkness. Familiar, human shapes. Members of the DEO. It is reassuring, in a strange way, to know that they’re not all dead, because she passes too many bodies in her search, men and women that she knows, and each face is like a punch to her gut.

 

She moves on, limping. She keeps her gun out, and ready, and her hand stops shaking. 

 

She finds Kara after what feels like agonising hours. She is standing in the centre of a crater, its rim a smouldering glow. Her cape flutters in the breeze, and Alex thinks, absurdly, of what Cat Grant would do to get a shot of this moment. 

 

She is not alone. 

 

Astra stands over Non’s body, tall and strong, an immovable figure carved from marble, and Alex cannot see her face. Kara stands across from her, and as Alex makes her way down the rocky slope, she sees Kara reach for her, touching her shoulder in a hesitant way, almost like a plea. 

 

Astra reaches up and covers her hand.

 

Kara pulls Astra around to face her and embraces her with a desperation that Alex understands at her core. Astra raises her hands slowly, as if giving her niece time to pull away, but when she returns the hug, it is with a strength that causes them to shake. 

 

Alex waits at the edge, because this is a moment she doesn’t want to intrude on. She leans against a pile of rubble and presses her hand against her ribs, and stares at Non’s body. His neck is twisted at an unnatural angle, and his eyes wide and staring. There is part of her that can’t imagine Kara doing that, but these past few weeks have changed them all, and Alex is reminded of the time Kara told her that she could do what was necessary, and Alex hadn’t believed her. 

 

Its over. Its all over, and the victory feels hollow, and she doesn’t know why. 

 

‘Alex?’ 

 

Kara reaches for her, and Alex stumbles to her. Her sister hugs her too tightly, and Alex does not care. She returns the embrace with as much strength as she can, and feels Kara burrow her face against her neck, her hair tickling her cheek, and is reminded, with sudden clarity, of when they were children. The sob that rises up in her throat is sudden and burning, and she bites it back, and holds on tighter. 

 

The victory might feel hollow, but they’re alive. Alex holds her sister for a long time and repeats the words over and over in her head. 

 

  
_They’re alive_. 

 

She looks up at Astra, then, standing almost a respectful distance from them. The woman is watching them with an almost wistful expression, and Alex wonders if she’s thinking of her sister, and a reconciliation that was not to be. She meets Alex’s eyes steadily, and Alex remembers how the woman smiled after she kissed her. She is not smiling now. She looks sad and exhausted, her eyes hollow and dull, but the strength in her shoulders is still there. 

 

Alex stares back at her as she holds her sister, and manages a smile that feels more like a grimace. She wants to reach out to her, to find some way of conveying how she’s feeling, the emotions tumbling around in her head, but she doesn’t know how. 

 

Astra doesn’t smile back, but something around her eyes softens, and Alex decides that at least that is something. 

 

She closes her eyes and ducks her head against Kara’s shoulder, and thinks again  _they’re alive. Its enough. Its more than enough._  


 

_~ ~ ~ ~ ~_

 

She discovers that Astra had an instrumental part in Non’s death much later, after the doctors have checked them, after Hank has bid them good night and let Kara embrace him, when they’re seeking refuge in Alex’s apartment. 

 

‘He was going to kill me’, Kara says, her hand resting on Alex’s waist, above the bandages circling her ribs. Kara was injured too, but she looks more tired than anything, and Alex can count this as one of the few times she’s been envious of Kara’s accelerated healing ability. ‘Because I hesitated. She arrived and he went for her and it was like…’ her laugh is hollow, and Alex wants to take all the weight from Kara’s shoulders, ‘I don’t regret killing him. But I wish I didn’t have to’. 

 

Alex hugs her, because she doesn’t know what to say, because Kara did the right thing and she knows that taking a life is difficult. ‘Its over, Kara’. 

 

Kara has been nothing but strong throughout all of this, and is nothing less now, and Alex wishes that she didn’t need to be. Kara takes a shuddering breath, and smiles tiredly. ‘I’m going to have a shower’. She glances back towards the living room. ‘Keep her company? I don’t… I don’t really know what her relationship with my uncle was like, but they were married’.

 

Astra looks up when she enters, and she looks strangely apprehensive. ‘I don’t need you to comfort me, Alex’. 

 

Alex goes to the kitchen, in desperate need of a drink. She shrugs. ‘Its Kara’, she says, by way of explanation. She’s too tired to offer another. She glances up. Astra is still staring at her. ‘Are you hungry?’

 

Astra continues to stare at her. Alex isn’t sure why they’re back to this, this battle of wills that seemed to fall away as they worked together, for Kara. In the beginning, Alex hadn’t trusted Astra, but she’d trusted that she loved Kara, and was trying to do whatever she could to save her, and Astra had probably been aware of that. Trust came later.  _Something else_ came later, and Alex doesn’t want to go back to before that. If she thinks back to it, she can feel the ghost of Astra’s lips against her own, and she doesn’t know why Astra is looking at her like she’s expecting hostility, after that. 

 

Astra nods. Alex gathers what food she can find, leftovers and snacks. After a moment, Astra stands, and comes to help her. 

 

They move in a companionable silence. Alex tries not to watch Astra. She takes what Alex hands her, and Alex is aware that Astra is avoiding her eyes.

 

‘I told you I would do whatever it took to protect Kara’. 

 

Alex glances up, frowning. Astra is turning a clean glass over and over in her hands, and the light sends strange patterns flickering over her face. She looks at Alex, and there is a strange glint in her eye. ‘Killing changes you. I wanted to keep her from that’. 

 

Alex isn’t sure what to say to that, but she thinks that the emotion lurking behind the exhaustion might be guilt. She hesitates. ‘You didn’t fail her, Astra. We’ve all done -’ 

 

‘He was beating me’, Astra cuts across her, and Alex recognises that the anger in the woman’s eyes is directed inwards, not outwards. ‘And if I hadn’t been so weak, he wouldn’t have. Kara wouldn’t have had to intervene’. 

 

‘You took out most of the other Kryptonians, Astra. Kara couldn’t have gone up against all of them. Thats hardly weak’. 

 

Astra’s jaw is clenched, her shoulders tight. Alex hesitates. She hesitates. ‘Did you love him?’ It is not what she intended to say, and she wishes she could take it back. 

 

Astra swallows. She looks exhausted. ‘No. I might have, once, before…’ she waves her hand. She exhales sharply, and her brow furrows tightly. ‘Before Fort Rozz, before our attempts to make our world see the truth took us down the path it did…’ for a moment, sharp and brief and blinding, she looks horribly, desperately sad. ‘We were friends, first. Once’. 

 

Then she breathes in sharply, and the expression smooths over. She looks hard, carved from marble, but there are cracks in her mask, and Alex can see that wild sadness through them. She wants to tell Astra that she doesn’t have to hide. 

 

They sit in silence for a long time. Alex drinks, and Astra sits there nursing the same, untouched glass. Alex eats, Astra doesn’t. 

 

After a long time, Astra sighs, and tilts her head back against the couch, her eyes closed. ‘When we set out to save our planet, I did not think it would end like this’. The cracks in her mask widen. ‘I…regret that it did’. She says it like a confession, spilling the words into the silence between them. 

 

Alex puts her glass down on the coffee table, and reaches out to cover Astra’s hand. She waits until Astra looks at her, and Alex is struck by how tired she looks. ‘You saved Kara’s life today, Astra. That is something. That is  _more_ than something’. 

 

It does not justify the destruction of a planet, the millions of lives lost there, it does not justify anything, but Alex is not trying to excuse anything, and Astra seems to know that. 

 

After Kara emerges, looking better, if a still a little strained, Alex takes a long, numbing shower. She tries not to think about how many people died today. About how many families have been forever changed. She washes blood and dirt from her skin, from her hands, and tries to leave her regret behind her. 

 

They all did what had to be done, and Alex will live with it, and move on, but under the scalding spray, she allows herself a single moment to wonder if they could have avoided so many deaths. 

 

Afterwards, Kara helps her redress her wounds, and Alex notices that Kara has dressed in clean clothes, rather than spare pyjamas. Alex wraps Kara in a lose embrace and says, ‘are you going to Cat’s?’

 

Kara nods, leaning heavily against her sister. ‘Is that okay? I just… after everything… I just need her’. When Alex nods, suddenly finding herself too tired to speak, Kara says, ‘will you be okay?’

 

Alex pulls back and smiles, tiredly, but warmly. ‘I’ll be fine, Kara. Go be with the woman you love’. 

 

Kara does not refute the statement. Alex feels her smile widen, and reminds herself that things are going to be fine. Kara has never explicitly stated how she feels about Cat, but she hasn’t needed to. Alex knows her sister. 

 

Later, after Kara’s departure, Alex lies in bed, and exercises what little strength she has left to hold back her exhaustion. 

 

She is not really surprised when Astra appears in her doorway. She understands the need for company, and she pulls back the covers on the other side of the bed before the woman can ask. 

 

Lying there beside Astra, Alex thinks about the fact that that while this has taken a lot out of her, it is a small period in her life. For Astra, this is the end of something that she has been part of for years, possibly decades. This has taken everything from her, with the exception of Kara, and while she knows that Astra believes it was worth it, would give up her life for Kara, she thinks that it cannot be easy. Astra is the last of her army, the last of her cause, the last Kryptonian who lost their world as an adult, and wonders how she is so calm. 

 

In the dark, Astra says quietly, ‘it’s really over, isn’t it?’ and Alex is not surprised at the note of disbelief in her voice. Everything Astra has been working towards just ended in violence and death, and Alex doesn’t know what to say. 

 

Instead, she reaches out in the dark, and finds Astra’s hand. It feels different taking her hand here, in the darkness of her bedroom. It feels weighted, strangely intimate, instead of a simple act of comfort. It is nothing like the kiss they shared, something fuelled by desperation and adrenaline and the thought that they might not make it. It feels like reaching blindly across a chasm, like reaching towards something _more_. She stares up at the ceiling, and tries not to react when Astra turns her hand over so that their fingers fit together. Her heart is beating very hard. 

 

She wants to ask the woman about what she intends to do now. She knows that whatever it is, it will involve Kara. She suspects that Astra will continue working for the DEO, but she doesn’t know. She wants to roll over and kiss her again, but part of her doesn’t think that it is the right time, part of her thinks that it would be too much, on top of the intimacy they have already found. She waits too long, trying to find the right words, trying to sift through the exhaustion clouding her mind, and by the time she does, Astra’s breathing has evened out. 

 

Alex lies there for a long time, fighting against exhaustion, unwilling to surrender to what will not be an easy sleep, and listens to Astra breathe. She runs her thumb unconsciously over the back of the woman’s hand, and finds it easier to remember that things will be okay. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The fall out following the battle is expected. The DEO is kept busy tracking down the aliens that fled when they saw their commander fall. Its halls are emptier, quieter than they once were, and Alex knows it will take a while for the ghosts to rest.

 

Cat produces an exclusive story about what really happened, and tells the world that Supergirl saved them once more. Less than a week later, because whatever she has become to their strange family, however much she might be part of it, she is still Cat Grant, she does an interview with Astra, because people are desperate to know more about the enigma that sometimes aids Supergirl, and she writes truthfully if a little colourfully, and gives her a moniker that makes Astra grimace. 

 

‘How come you get to be Superwoman?’ Kara grumbles when she finds out. She might agree with Cat’s reasoning now, might fiercely defend it to anyone who questions it, but her original outrage prevents her from letting it slide. 

 

Astra stares at the cover of the magazine with an expression that indicates she can smell something foul. ‘You can have it if you really want it, Kara’. 

 

‘You don’t like it?’

 

‘No’. 

 

‘And why not?’

 

Astra makes a face. ‘I don’t like being branded with a version of something thats been used twice already’.

 

‘You’ll have to get used to it’. 

 

‘Look on the bright side’, says Alex, without looking up from her report, ‘at least its not Eco-Terrorist’.

 

Astra sighs heavily. ‘At least the article is accurate’. 

 

And it is, mostly. Alex isn’t sure how people have reacted yet, but at least its out there. People love Supergirl, and they’re always eager for more of her, of her world. Astra’s story is a piece of that. It is a tragedy and a warning, and maybe it can get things moving. 

 

Maxwell Lord is, once again, the voice of outrage. He uses the destruction wrought by the battle to call for action to be taken against Supergirl and her accomplice, that they’re a menace, but this time, his following appears to be much smaller. What he doesn’t seem to understand is that his timing is wrong. People are grateful, not angry, not resentful. They were saved, and the area of the battle was removed from people and their homes. The damage seems a small price in the face of annihilation.

 

Things get better. Slowly, surely. Kara’s smile becomes easy again, and Alex starts to sleep without seeing the faces of the people they lost. 

 

She catches Astra looking at her sometimes, and glances are exchanged between them like secrets. Alex hasn’t forgotten what she did, or how Astra responded. Neither of them have moved to follow up on it, to take it further, and Alex is torn between taking a step forward and waiting to see what Astra does. 

 

Part of her worries about what could happen, mainly because of Kara. She’s never been good at long term relationships, but then again, Astra’s last relationship hardly went, or ended well. She hesitates because she knows that if they screw it up, it’ll cause a rift, and even though they’d get over it and move on for Kara, it wouldn’t be comfortable. 

 

And then she remembers that she kissed Astra because they might have died, and that they haven’t, and that she would’ve regretted doing nothing if something awful had happened. She remembers that Astra nearly died at her own hand, and that tomorrow is an unknown that could take more from them. Maybe its time to stop worrying about what-ifs. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The second time Alex kisses Astra, its really just to shut her up. 

 

Alex is attempting to teach Astra how to cook, something that she never would have imagined herself doing mere weeks before. She is not really the best candidate, but Astra insisted, because she’s often up before Kara, and she often gets hungry. Kara has been complaining about waking up to find her ice cream stores depleted. Alex doesn’t think its a bad idea, in principle, because at least one of the Kryptonians should know how to feed themselves. Its pretty hypocritical of her, considering that she rarely eats what her mother would classify as ‘well’. But its Alex or Kara, and Alex learnt long ago not to let Kara near her kitchen. 

 

Kara is sitting on the couch and watching with a wide grin, eyes twinkling with amusement. Astra follows Alex’s instructions with a furrowed brow, hovering at her shoulder, close enough that she can feel the woman’s hair tickling her skin. 

 

‘You should know, Astra, Alex isn’t exactly the best cook’. 

 

Alex flings an apple at her sister, who catches it with ease. ‘You can talk’. 

 

Kara laughs. ‘I just wanted to warn her that your instructions could lead her astray’. 

 

Alex says nothing to that, but she has to admit that perhaps they should’ve started with something simpler. But Astra suggested pizza, and really it is a good idea because they all spend a lot of money on take away pizza, so Alex had agreed. Its the base that she’s worried about. She’s never made a pizza from scratch, and so she let Astra heave an entirely unused cookbook down from the top shelf, and doesn’t tell her that she’s following the instructions line by line for her own benefit. 

 

The result is not as bad as it could be, in terms of the food. The kitchen, however, ends up quite the worse for wear. Alex ends up with flour all over her bench and several broken dishes - thanks to Astra - and Kara ends up in hysterics. 

 

Kara moves to lean on the counter, unfazed under Alex’s glare, ‘who knew that you could muck up pizza?' 

 

Alex shuts the cook book with enough force to send a puff of flour towards Kara, where it settles thickly in the jumper she’s wearing. Kara’s eyes widen, and Alex does not miss the mischievous glint in her eyes. ‘Do you really want to start this, Alex?’

 

Astra cuts in. ‘I do believe the expression is ‘go big or go home’, yes?’ Alex doesn’t think she’s ever heard the woman sound so amused. 

 

Kara’s phone interrupts the conversation shrilly. Kara jumps, and a wide smile splits her expression. ‘Its Cat’. She backs towards the door, raising the phone to her ear. ‘Just…I’ll be a moment’.

 

Alex frowns slightly as Kara disappears out the front door. ‘Does she always take calls outside now?’

 

Astra shrugs. ‘Privacy is hard to come by when your roommate can hear through the walls’. 

 

Alex stares at her for a moment, before deciding that she really doesn’t want to know what Astra accidentally overheard. She glances down at herself, forgetting about Kara’s habits in the face of the mess they’ve made. She chuckles. ‘I probably should have warned you that I’m not the best teacher when it comes to culinary skills’. 

 

Astra leans on the counter. ‘Well, we won’t know the true extent of your teaching abilities until its done’. The woman has her lips pressed together tightly, as if trying to hold back a laugh, and it makes her look uncannily like Kara. 

 

Alex wonders if she should point out that Astra is leaning in flour. Instead, she narrows her eyes. ‘Are you laughing at me, General Astra?’

 

Astra breaks into a smile that is almost blinding. The corners of her eyes crinkle, and her eyes sparkle, and Alex feels her heart plummet to her stomach. ‘White hair suits you, Agent Danvers’.

 

Alex feels heat rush to her cheeks. ‘What?’

 

Astra leans forward and tucks a strand of Alex’s hair behind her ear, and Alex watches flour dislodge and cover the woman’s hand. ‘It is very becoming on you’. 

 

Her fingers are resting on Alex’s cheek. Alex can feel her heartbeat thumbing hard against her ribs, and Astra is  _smirking_. ‘False flattery doesn’t suit you, Astra’.

 

Astra’s insufferable smirk grows. ‘You mistake me, Alex, I am being entirely sin-’  

 

Alex grabs Astra by the front of her shirt, pulls her across the short distance between them, and kisses her soundly. Astra makes a surprised sound against her lips that Astra thinks must be faked, because the woman surely knew what she was doing, but then she shifts closer, and the hand resting on her cheek shifts to bury in her hair, and flour falls softly around them. 

 

The front door slams, and Kara calls out, ‘sorry, I need to go. Cat needs me’. 

 

Alex and Astra jump apart as if burned, and Alex’s hip collides with the counter as she flees to the other side of the kitchen. Her heart is beating frantically and she has absolutely no idea what she’ll say if Kara comments on it. Her voice however, is perfectly steady when she says, ‘is she okay?'

 

Kara looks concerned, and a little angry. ‘Its her mother. Apparently she found out that her daughter is dating her assistant. She doesn’t approve. I just want to be there to support her’. 

 

Alex frowns. She’s not unfamiliar with the concept of disapproving mothers, and she feels terrible for Cat then. But there is something else brewing inside her, and it is undeniably tied to the knowledge that Kara is about to leave them alone, for an extended period of time. She licks suddenly dry lips, ‘you should go then’. 

 

Astra cuts in. ‘Do you need me to persuade her to see sense?’

 

Kara blinks, staring at her aunt. ‘And how exactly would you go about persuading her? It wouldn’t involve high places, would it?'

 

Astra’s look of innocence is so transparent that Alex snorts. Kara smiles, some of the tension easing from her brow. ‘I don’t think it’ll come to that, but I’ll tell Cat all the same. She’ll probably appreciate the offer’. 

 

Kara speeds around the apartment to gather her things, and its not until she’s about to step onto Alex’s small balcony that she pauses, and gives them a critical look. ‘Did you have a food fight while I was gone?’ 

 

Alex glances at Astra, and laughs. There is flour around her shoulders, in the ends of her hair, in her eyebrows, fanning across her nose and over her cheek bones. Astra blinks, dislodging flour from her eyelashes. ‘I made the mistake of questioning her teaching skills’. 

 

Kara laughs, looking over the kitchen and shaking her head. ‘It appears my sister is deadly with any weapon’. 

 

Alex smiles, and realises that her heart feels lighter than it has in a long time. ‘And don’t you forget it, Kara’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Astra sighs when Alex presses her down into the mattress, and Alex decides she doesn’t care how this ends when she kisses her again. It is hard to think of anything beyond the here and now with Astra’s thigh caught between her legs and the cocoon of heat surrounding them. 

 

Alex finds scars her last inspection didn’t reveal, a long silver line over the curve of her hip, a scattering of small pale marks across her thigh, and Alex traces them with her fingers and presses her lips to the soft skin around them, and Astra tangles a hand in her hair, and Alex discovers that there is something intoxicating about the way Astra says her name when Alex buries her head between her thighs. She discovers that there is something beautiful in the way Astra arches beneath her, something intimate in the vulnerability in the moment that she lets go.

 

Astra is gentle with her, soft caresses that leave heat trailing in their wake, and Alex chokes on a gasp. ‘I’m not going to break, Astra’. 

 

She can feel Astra smile against her neck. ‘I know’. 

 

Whatever mild reservations she may have had at the thought of being treated like glass evaporates when the woman dips a hand between her thighs. 

 

Astra coaxes her towards release with her hands and mouth, kissing the column of her neck, fingers leaving fire trailing in their wake, and as Alex climbs higher and higher, her hands curled tight in the sheets, losing herself to fire and stars and intense, shuddering sensation, Astra whispers phrases of kryptonian against her skin.

 

Afterwards, Astra lies on her front and Alex traces the scars on her back one by one, the scars she saw so long ago, when they were just two people on opposite sides of a war, bound together by their connection to Kara, stopping on the silver scar between her shoulder blades, the one that looks like it could be old, but is not. 

 

‘Fort Rozz was not kind to any of us’, says Astra, her head resting on her arms. Her hair is fanned out over the pillow, disappearing into the shadows draped over the room. 

 

Alex hums, and presses her lips to the mark she made. She doesn’t want to think about the violence in their pasts, not now, with her limbs heavy and content. She doesn’t want to remind Astra of the things they have lost. Instead, she says, ‘so are you going to tell me?’

 

Astra arches an eyebrow, and stretches, a slow, lazy movement. ‘Tell you what?’

 

‘What you said’, she smiles, watching the slight surprise flicker across the woman’s expression. ‘Or did you think I didn’t hear?'

 

Astra looks momentarily caught, but then she smiles, and shakes her head. ‘No’. She pauses, and smirks. ‘I was occupied by other things, at the time. I’m afraid I don’t recall’. 

 

It is a lie, and Alex almost rolls her eyes. She stretches out beside the woman and turns onto her front, burying her face in the pillow and wrapping an arm loosely around Astra. She does it without thinking, but Astra only curls her hands around her arm, and closes her eyes. 

 

This is what Alex doesn’t tell her: she knows exactly what she said. The words are curled forever inside her, nestled in a hollow somewhere beneath her ribcage, close to her heart, like the lingering embers of the fire Astra brought to life with her lips and fingers, and Alex lets them replay in her head until sleep claims her.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

When Alex wakes in the morning, it takes her a moment to work out what is different. She’s sprawled across the bed, just as usual, but this time Astra isn’t lying on the far end. 

 

She can feel the woman’s chin against the crown of her hair, and her head moves as she breathes. If she tilted her head, she could press her lips against the soft curve of Astra’s breast. 

 

She becomes aware of how they are aligned, torsos pressed together, legs tangled, and Astra’s arms are wrapped loosely around her. 

 

Alex is surprised at how comfortable she is, given the ungainly, almost twisted position. Astra is warm and solid and soft, marble sheathed in silk, and the slight ache in Alex’s neck seems far, far away in the scheme of things. 

 

Alex lies there for a while, keeping her breathing deep and even, listening to the woman’s heart beat, strong and steady, and allows herself a moment of wonder at where they are, at how far they’ve come from that night in the warehouse, when Astra ran a finger down her cheek in a way that was menacing, and Alex jerked away. 

 

She doesn’t like to think about what comes next, about what this is, because she doesn’t know, and she’s not sure if she really cares. They can worry about Maxwell Lord later, about the aliens they still need to find, about the publicity of Astra’s work with Supergirl, and what that means for all of them. They can worry about the fact that Kara will probably  have a heart attack when she finds out - because she will, of that Alex has no doubt - and that she might kill them for it, however unintentionally. 

 

Here, with the warmth and smell of Astra’s soft skin surrounding her, Alex pushes those worries aside. She lifts her head and presses her lips against the long, silver scar between Astra’s ribs, a long, lazy kiss that is more a promise to herself than an attempt to wake the woman. Alex can’t take the scar from her skin, can’t reverse what happened, but it is a reminder that she’s not likely to forget soon. 

 

Despite her fears, despite everything that has happened, they’ve survived. They are alive. If they are going to face another war with Maxwell Lord tomorrow, she’ll take today to remember that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i can't believe how long its taken me to update this i am sorry. i've rewritten this chapter probably seven times and at this point i'm not exactly sure how happy i am with some of it but heres hoping you like it.
> 
> its been pretty much three weeks since they killed Astra and I'm still not over it and the wasted potential. there is just... so much they can't explore now and it still makes me sad. so this chapter is i guess a mix of therapy and actual plot. 
> 
> so i think I'm looking at maybe one more chapter? unless i have an idea/its wanted
> 
> next chapter deals with Max, and Cat will be in it more :)


	5. Chapter 5

War with Maxwell Lord does not come for a long time. The man withdraws from the public eye, and is not heard from for weeks, almost months. It is clear that he’s preparing something, locked away in his castle, and however hard they try, however hard they work, they know nothing of his plans. 

 

It is worrying, but Alex can’t deny that the respite is welcome. They all need time to rest and recuperate from the last conflict before they rush headlong into the next. She is both loathed to see this strange calm end, and longing for it to be over. 

 

She spends her days training Kara, working out strategies with Hank, rounding up the last of the Fort Rozz aliens, and sparring with Astra. She and Astra are pretty evenly matched, in that room laced with kryptonite, and Alex relishes the chance to train with someone who can push her to new limits, who can help her improve. 

 

And if Alex finds herself hot and sweaty and thrumming with something more than just adrenaline when it is over, when one of them is pinned to the floor with the other sitting above them, their bodies pressed together in all the right places, a heady intimacy that they really need to keep out of the work space, well then, thats no one’s business but her’s and Astra’s. 

 

She spends her afternoons teaching Astra about the ways of their world, their hips pressed together as they pore over books, lying back to watch the television, and Astra’s smiles come more often, more freely, and each one is like a strange little treasure Alex tucks into that space in her rib cage that she thinks is reserved solely for things, words and moments and smiles, that she has collected from Astra. 

 

Kara joins them, and her laughter fills Alex’s apartment, rolling off her tongue with such ease and readiness that its almost easy to pretend that her voice was never choked with tears. She takes up her painting again, something she’d neglected in the difficulty of balancing her duel lives without letting things slip, and she takes great pride and care in showing Astra how to mix colours, how to make creations spring from her brush like its an extension of her arm, but Alex mostly finds Astra watching, rather than participating. 

 

Astra claims that she can never get the right combination of colours, that no matter how hard she tries, she can’t capture the vibrancy of the world around them, and so she’s content to simply watch her niece create. 

 

Alex returns to Kara’s apartment one day, as they have all found themselves doing since this strange calm began, and finds Astra siting on the balcony, a simply sketch book propped up on her knee, a pencil in her hand, and the images unfurling from the tip are realistic and lifelike and drawn to pinpoint accuracy, and Alex thinks that she shouldn’t be surprised that Astra’s skill with art lies in attention to detail, because the woman has always been proficient at observing and analysing and reporting everything she sees. 

 

When Astra tells her, in a halting, unsure voice, something like relief shinning in her eyes, that she is surprised that she can create with hands that once wrought destruction, Alex has a sudden, surprising urge to cry. Instead, she steps forward and wraps her arms around the woman’s shoulders, tightly, fiercely, trying to express what she cannot say aloud. Astra leans into her and presses her face against Alex’s stomach, arms looped loosely around her waist, her sketch book pressing awkwardly into Alex’s thigh, but Astra’s fingers slip up under her shirt and press against her skin, and Alex runs her hand through Astra’s glossy hair, and makes a mental note to do this more often, because the woman still sounds sad and broken and tired when she exhales shakily. 

 

Alex has never been an instinctively affectionate person. Kara has always been the exception, because that is who Kara is. She craves affection, and she wants to give it, too. Alex is one of the few people to whom she can express how she feels without restraint. Alex gives and receives affection from Kara, and that is easy. 

 

She’s never really been affectionate in any short lived romantic relationships. But Astra is also different. And Alex finds that, once she has made the conscious decision to do so, affectionate gestures come easily. She brushes her fingers against Astra’s shoulder, over her knuckles, presses her hand against the small of her back. Astra sighs at the contact, leans in, returns the gestures even though Alex isn’t asking for them. They become so natural that Alex finds she has to curb them, that she has to consciously remember that they haven’t told anyone, that Kara doesn’t know, that she has  _no idea,_ and for now, that is the way they want things to stay. 

 

Alex is a little surprised, actually, that Kara still has no clue. Astra alternates between the sisters’ apartments, and Kara seems just as eager to have her apartment to herself on those days. Alex tries not to think about why, or more precisely, what Kara is doing there with Cat. 

 

They spend their evenings together, and eventually, after pleading from Kara, Hank joins them. He takes over Alex’s attempts to teach Astra how to cook, and thank god really, because Alex was running out of simple recipes. Alex thinks that Hank might enjoy being J’onn outside the office more than he admits, if his smiles are anything to go by. He scowls at her whenever she consciously thinks that, whenever he picks up on her thoughts, but she still thinks she’s right. 

 

Hank knows about Astra. Of course he knows. He probably knew the moment Alex started to think of the former General in that way. He probably knew before Alex really understood her own feelings. He says nothing, though. He doesn’t tell Kara, but he starts giving Alex pointed looks when the four of them are gathered together, and when Alex finds her mind straying, those pointed looks become what might be grimaces. 

 

Sometimes Cat joins them, and Alex marvels at how natural it all feels, how  _normal_ , how close they’ve all become without really being aware of it happening, like a strange family that Alex never asked for, and probably never could have imagined anyway. But when she watches Kara lean against Cat, their bodies gravitating towards each other as if they’ve never been apart, when she watches Astra lean close to watch exactly how much of the numerous ingredients Hank adds, her hair pulled back so that the silver streak is twisted and hidden among her dark hair, and thinks that she can definitely live with strange. 

 

She spends her nights memorising the scars mapping Astra’s body, learning the sensitive places that draw breathless moans from the woman, and the places that she doesn’t like to be touched. There is a spot on her neck that makes her flinch, and even though Alex learns not to touch it almost immediately, it takes her a while to realise that it is the same place Lane inserted the liquid kryptonite. Astra likes it when Alex pushes her down onto the bed, likes it when Alex shifts above her and presses down on her hips, but she shifts uncomfortably if Alex fastens her hands around the woman’s wrists. Astra has been in cuffs too many times to count, and so Alex fits their fingers together instead, and somehow it is a new level of intimacy that she doesn’t think she’s ever known.

 

She spends her mornings with her head pressed to Astra’s chest, listing to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, watching the way the sunlight sends patterns flickering over her skin, the way it touches her like it is drawn to her, dipping into the valleys created by the edges of lithe muscles like a caress. Astra pretends to be asleep, and Alex pretends she doesn’t realise that the woman is wide awake. Sometimes she wakes up later then usual, to the welcoming smell of coffee, and smiles into her pillow, idiotically, like a dumb, love struck teenager. 

 

It is oddly normal and domestic and everything that Alex has never had in her life, everything she’s never thought she’d find. Her life has been secrets and justified lies, protecting Kara from the shadows, protecting her when she didn’t want to be protected, lies that built up and up and ended up hurting her, working and striving to make her way to the position she has now. Her personal life took a back seat, and it stayed there. 

 

She’s never believed in the idea of finding the right person. But Astra is part of a world that she’s always had to keep hidden, and maybe that is what makes it so easy, despite everything complicated, despite the fact that she hasn’t told Kara, that she’s afraid to, afraid that her sister will see it as another lie stacked on a deck of perilously balanced cards.

 

She wants it to last, wants this peace and normalcy to go on and on and on, she wants Kara to smile like a frown never creased her brow, but she knows it can’t. 

 

She still isn’t ready when it doesn’t. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Alex comes to with a splitting headache pounding behind her eyes and a lump that feels like its the size of a small egg throbbing at the base of her skull. 

 

She groans, low at the back of her throat, and when she opens her eyes, the world is still spinning. It makes her stomach churn and roll, and she squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to block it all out. 

 

‘Hey, Alex? Alex, can you hear me?’

 

She opens her eyes again, and see three Cat’s leaning over her, each of them wearing identical expressions of concern. She has to blink three times before her vision clears properly, and when it does she says, ‘yeah, yeah I can’.

 

Cat’s hair is falling about her face, and Alex notices that there is a bruise rapidly colouring the hinge of the woman’s jaw, and frowns. ‘Are you alright?’

 

Cat raises an eyebrows. ‘Am  _I_  alright? You look like you’ve been hit by a truck’. 

 

‘I feel like it’. 

 

Alex tries to lift her head, and grimaces. Cat puts a hand on her shoulder, and Alex grips her arm, and with the added help, manages to sit up slowly. ‘Easy, Alex’. 

 

‘I’m fine’. 

 

‘You are not fine, Alex. You’re not  _remotely_ fine’. The woman reaches out and touches the back of Alex’s head, and when her hand comes away, there is blood on her fingertips. 

 

‘Yeah, well. It’ll have to do’. Alex looks around, turning her head slowly. They’re in what appears to be a cage at the end of a long corridor, but instead of bars, its a mesh fence, extending from floor to ceiling, from wall to wall. There is a strange humming noise, and after glancing at the mesh more closely, Alex decides that its a live fence. That explains why they aren’t tied up. 

 

Alex looks back at Cat, at the bruise on her jaw, the tension around her eyes, the way she’s holding herself, and frowns. ‘Are you alright? Did they hurt you?’

 

Cat’s laugh is a bark, sharp and strained. ‘They threatened Carter, Alex’, and despite how calm Cat appears, or is trying to appear, Alex can hear the tension, the fear, in those words. ‘They didn’t need to hurt me’. She swallows tightly, and then takes a deep breath. ‘How they get you?’

 

Alex’s frown deepens. She tries to remember, tries to remember how she ended up in a cage with a lump on the back of her head and a headache that warns of concussion. She remembers stepping into the dark of her apartment and taking two steps before she realised that she wasn’t alone. ‘I was home late. They took me by surprise’. 

 

Cat raises an eyebrow, a faint smirk playing about her lips, and some of the old humour leaks into her voice for a moment. ‘I thought you were meant to be our top spy, Alex’. 

 

Alex smiles faintly. ‘Sorry to disappoint’. She glances around, at the bare walls, the blinding lights overhead, the long corridor that ends in a T section. She can’t see anything around the other two corners. Its all white walls and glaring lights, with the exception of a single, twisting black cord that wraps around the bar at the top of the mesh wiring, stark and dark against the blank walls. It is a strangely surreal setting, but the throb at the base of her skull tells her that it is very, very real. She glances down at her shirt, ripped and crumpled, and starts to tear a strip off the bottom. ‘The people who brought you here - did you notice any distinguishing features?’

 

Cat swallows, all humour gone, and makes a face. ‘They put a disgusting smelling bag over my head. It was very uncivilised’. She frowns. ‘But I don’t think we really need to guess who took us, or why we’re here’. 

 

Alex pauses. She yanks at the strip, tearing it free, and then presses it to the back of her skull, wincing slightly. ‘I’m a bit… foggy, right now. What are you seeing that I’m not?’

 

‘Well, we’re both here. They took you from your apartment, and they got to me through Carter. To the outside world, we have nothing in common, aside from Kara, and very few people know about that. If someone wanted to use Kara against me, she’d be here, not me. This isn’t about me. This isn’t about you. This is about Kara’. 

 

Alex closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath. ‘This is about Supergirl’. She lets it out slowly, and opens her eyes, staring up at the ceiling for a moment. ‘Maxwell Lord’. 

 

Cat scoffs. ‘Is he really stupid enough to kidnap me? I’m not an alien with no rights. I can’t just disappear. I’m  _Cat Grant_ ’. 

 

Once, Alex might have found the statement annoying, obnoxious, words that would have grated on her skin. But there, right now, they don’t. Instead, the send a thrill of cold fear through her, because Cat is right. Maxwell Lord is not an idiot. He wouldn’t kidnap the Queen of All Media unless he was sure he’d get away with it. She takes a deep breath, and forces herself to concentrate. She takes her fear for Kara and what this means, the terror that she’s going to come walking right into Max’s trap (because she will, she will, Kara thinks with her heart, and she loves Cat, and she loves Alex, and she’ll come running, and Astra will be right behind her), and pushes it all aside, locking it behind a wall she learnt how to build long ago. 

 

She focuses on one thing. Getting Cat out. Keeping her alive.  

 

She takes a deep breath, and when she lets it out, she forces herself to focus. She takes a closer look at the strange cage, turning her attention to the three walls, to the floor and ceiling, searching for anything that can help them. 

 

She shifts closer to the walls, basically dragging herself across the floor, and when she does, she realises that they seem to be composed of a number of large panels, rather than a single wall. She reaches out and raps her knuckles against the wall. It makes a hollow sound. She frowns. ‘I think this is panelling’. She runs a finger down the length of a seam, pressing her fingernail into the thin edge. ‘I don’t suppose you have anything sharp?’

 

Cat taps her on the shoulder, and holds out her hand. ‘Will this do?’ 

 

Alex blinks, staring at the three hairpins resting on the woman’s hand. She almost smiles. ‘You’re full of surprises’. 

 

It takes some time, but eventually, Alex is able to use Cat’s hairpins to pry the panel away from the wall. Cat holds the strip of her shirt to the back of Alex’s head while she works, and just like it was in her apartment months ago, the woman’s silent presence is a strange comfort. 

 

The panel comes away from the wall, and beside her, Cat tenses. ‘Well’, Cat says, the steady level of her words contrasting with how hard Alex’s heart is pounding, ‘its safe to say we were right’. 

 

Behind the panelling, the walls are lined with kryptonite. It casts a sickly, eery glow over Alex’s hand when she reaches out, pressing her fingers against the cool material for a moment. Its attached to the wall by metal rings, as if its been put there for one purpose, and will be removed as soon as that purpose is complete. ‘Shit. Where did Lord get all this?’

 

‘The man has deep pockets, Alex’. The woman drops a hand to her shoulder, and Alex tears her gaze away from the kryptonite. ‘Can you see anyway out of here?'

 

She licks her lips. ‘There’s no way out of this cage’, she says, lifting her to gesture unnecessarily. ‘And short of frying their electrical system, we’re stuck’. 

 

‘You’re filling me with hope, Alex’. 

 

‘I’m analysing’. 

 

‘So you’re saying we’re stuck here?’

 

Alex takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. The throb behind her eyes is still there, but she’s able to focus a little better. ‘We’re going to have to wait until they come to us’. 

 

Cat nods. Her mouth thins. ‘Tell me what to do’. 

 

Alex almost smiles. Instead, she takes a deep breath, and leans forward slightly. ‘They’re going to be watching me, Cat. Even with this injury, they’re going to be watching me. A lot of what happens next… a lot of how this whole thing plays out… it’s going to depend on you, Cat’.

 

Cat leans forward, and a steely look of determination hardens her eyes. ‘Alex’, she says, her fingers tightening on her shoulder, ‘tell me what to do’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

They wait. They wait, sitting side by side against the wall. Alex bows her head against her knee, trying to focus on her breathing instead of the pounding headache rattling her skull. Cat sits remarkably still, seemingly perfectly calm except for the faint, rhythmic tapping of her nails against the cold wall.

 

They wait, until finally, after what feels like hours and hours, a man rounds the corner. He is dressed in a security guard’s uniform, a baton swinging from his belt and a gun strapped to his hip. Alex gives him a quick once over, searching for weaknesses. He is a tall man, but he seems more athletic and trim rather than heavily built. He walks with a slight swagger, his thumb tucked into his belt, and twirling a pair of hand cuffs in his other hand, and Alex hopes he’s arrogant. She can work with arrogant. 

 

He steps forward to unlock the cage, his eyes on her. ‘I’ve been ordered to take one of you to another cell. Let’s make this easy on all of us, alright?’

 

He steps into the cage with his hand on his baton, and Alex surges up from the floor, and lunges, attempting to tackle him around the waist. 

 

He’s  _quick_ , which is not exactly unexpected, but the impact the baton makes against the junction of her neck and shoulder  _hurts_ , and Alex lets the man grab her by the shirt and practically throw her against the wall. 

 

She slides to the floor against the wall, her head pounding, and the man looms over her, shaking his head. He raises the baton, and Alex wonders whether everyone working under Maxwell Lord is required to posses a similar sadistic streak. 

 

‘Hey!’

 

The man turns, and Cat brings the panel across his face,  _hard_. The guard jerks to the side, and Cat slams her heel into his foot. He drops to his knee with a roar, and Alex lunges, fastening her arm around his neck from behind. She holds on, even as he claws at her arm, even when he backs up and slams her against the wall, even when her head  _throbs_ , she holds on, because she has to, because she must, and finally,  _finally,_ he slumps to the floor. 

 

She groans, lying flat on his back for a moment, until she feels Cat’s hands on her shoulders, pulling at her, a hand pressing lightly against the back of her head. ‘Alex?’

 

‘I’m fine’. She takes a deep breath, and rolls off him, rising to her feet with Cat’s hand at her elbow. She takes a deep breath, and shakes her head, trying to focus, trying to shake the stars from behind her eyes. ‘Come on. We’ve got to move’. 

 

She takes the guard’s gun, and pauses to take his bullet proof vest. ‘Here’, she says, handing it to Cat. ‘Put this on’. 

 

‘Alex, you’re the one whose going to be running around with the gun - probably shooting at people, and getting shot at. You should wear it’. 

 

‘Cat, just take it. I’m going to get you out of here, and I need to be sure you’ll be safe’. She looks at the set of Cat’s jaw, the frown, and almost smiles. ‘This is my job, Cat’.

 

Cat takes a deep breath. ‘Well, you’re certainly as stubborn as Kara’. She takes the vest from her, and Alex helps her put it on. Its a bit lose, but it’ll have to do. 

 

Alex rolls her shoulder, and curls her fingers firmly around the gun. ‘Whatever happens, Cat, stay behind me’. 

 

They move as quietly as they can, moving down the corridor and sticking close to the left wall. Alex has no idea where they are or where to go, but she hopes that retracing the guard’s steps will get them somewhere. 

 

They seem to be entirely alone, until a voice says, ‘look at that. The cats got out of their cage’. 

 

Maxwell Lord is leaning against the wall, his hands clasped in front of him, stark and almost too real against the plain white walls in a crisp purple suit and his stupid, smug expression. 

 

Cat’s hands tighten on her waist, and Alex lifts her gun to point it directly at his face. ‘You’ve really one upped yourself this time, Lord. From abducting Jane Does to kidnapping Cat Grant? Whats next, the President?’

 

Max’s smile is a smirk, easy and confident, as if Alex doesn’t have a gun pointed at his face. ‘Put it down, Danvers. There’s no need for us all to get trigger happy’. 

 

‘Are you serious?’

 

Cat’s hands tighten, and she hisses, ‘ _Alex_ ’, and Alex suddenly becomes aware of the figure moving up on her left, and that they have a gun pointing at Cat. 

 

‘Drop it. Now’. The man steps into Alex’s line of sight, and she stares. ‘General Lane? What the hell are you doing?’

 

‘I’m sorry, Agent Danvers. But this needs to be done’.

 

‘Are you serious? What can you gain from this?’

 

Max laughs, and Alex hates the way he lounges against the wall, cocky and arrogant even here, with kryptonite welded into the foundations of his castle, and terrible plans for the people Alex loves glittering in his eyes. ‘What, you think that this is the part where I tell you all about my grand plan and then you find a way to foil me? Its not going to happen. Look at you, Danvers. You can barely stand’.

 

‘I can still shoot you in the fucking face’. 

 

‘Can you do that before he shoots you? Or Cat? You know thats a custom made weapon, full of kryptonite? Obviously works just as well as any normal gun, but its a little more painful’. 

 

Alex is silent for a moment. Cat’s hands are warm and supportive against her shoulder blades, and she wonders if the men can tell that she’s leaning her weight against them slightly. She knows her expression is perfectly smooth, a practised, tactical mask, but they can undoubtedly see the way her eyes track around the corridor, searching for a way out that she can’t find. 

 

‘What are your plans for Supergirl?’ Cat speaks up from behind her, her tone a casual drawl, as if they aren’t being held at gun point, as if they aren’t being held at gun point, as if she’s conducting an interview, as if she isn’t completely out of her element. Alex wonders if they woman is every truly out of her depth. 

 

‘Oh please, we all know who Supergirl really is, Cat, why not address her by her real name?’ His smile is knowing, and he winks, he fucking  _winks_ at Cat, and Alex hears the woman make a disgusted noise in her throat. ‘Did your family chose the name, Alex? Or did she always call herself Kara?’

 

Alex tries to contain the anger churning inside her, because here, right now, it won’t do them any good. She has more than herself to worry about. Max continues as if he can’t see the anger radiating from Alex in waves, and she almost wonders if he’s trying to provoke her. ‘Supergirl makes the perfect martyr, don’t you think?’

 

‘So that’s your game? You want to kill Supergirl and take her place as the city’s hero?’ Alex scoffs, hiding the way the thought makes her stomach churn and roll. ‘You’ll never fill those shoes’. 

 

‘I’ve said it all along, Danvers. We can’t rely on these aliens, when they can switch sides so quickly. Look at your lover, the mysterious Superwoman’, he says it with dripping disdain, his eyes flicking up and down her in a way that makes her skin crawl, ‘some may have forgotten the destruction she caused fighting your sister across the sky, but I haven’t. Her betrayal won’t be that hard to sell’. 

 

Alex bites back the words on her tongue, the foul insults she wants to throw in his face, and she tries to focus on Cat’s words instead of how much she wants to kick him until he cries like the spoilt child he is under all the arrogance and poise. ‘So that’s your plan for Astra?'

 

Max shrugs. ‘The General has his own plans for her, once this is done’. 

 

Alex remembers Astra bent double, her arms twisted behind her as Lane inserted a syringe in her neck, remembers screams rebounding off the walls of her cage, and feels her throat burn. She glances at the Lane. ‘You can’t be okay with this, Lane. I know you’ve never liked my sister, but killing innocent civilians?'

 

The man’s mouth is downturned, his brows lowered in a severe, permanent frown. He looks sorry for it, for all of it, but its not enough. ‘We have to protect our world from these creates, Agent Danvers. You saw the destruction they wrought. You were even there. If you weren’t so… emotionally invested, you’d understand that. But you let them into your life, into your house…’, the words  _into your bed_ go unsaid, but Alex hears them in the weighted pause, and lifts her chin. She’s not ashamed of it, and she won’t let them think she is. ‘You’re compromised, Agent Danvers. You can’t see the bigger picture. I am sorry that it has come to this, but we are doing what must be done’. 

 

‘And what do your daughters think, General? I doubt either of them agree with this method’. Cat sounds tense now, anger biting through her words, as if the severity of their situation is chipping away at her practised calm. 

 

Lane’s expression hardens at the mention of his daughters. ‘Lois is too emotionally involved in this to see reason. Lucy… Lucy will understand, when this is over’. 

 

‘No  General, she won’t. Lucy is a bright, committed and resourceful woman. If anyone can find out the truth about this, its her. And she won’t forgive you for this’. Cat’s words are biting, flung across the space between them as if she can physically hurt the man. 

 

‘Don’t talk about Lucy as if you know her better than her own father’. 

 

‘Lucy  _knows_ who Supergirl really is, General. So clearly, I do’. 

 

Lane looks truly shocked at that, and Max cuts across whatever else he’s going to say with a short laugh, as if he’s genuinely amused by a situation that could cost Alex everyone she cares about. ‘Ah, family drama. Always such a delight’. 

 

Alex lets the safety off her gun, and shifts so that its pointing at Lane. She steps to the side slightly, so that she’s positioned squarely in front of Cat, and says, ‘let us go, Lane’. She chooses to plead with him, instead of Max, because she knows that there is no reasoning with the other man, knows that Lane believes he’s doing the right thing for his country, and that their only chance lies with him. ‘If you truly think that this world doesn’t need people like Kara and Astra and Superman, then thats your business. Your quarrel is with them. But this, kidnapping me, kidnapping Cat, thats another level. That’s going too far. You can’t involve civilians in your mis guided war and then call it righteous’. 

 

Lane opens his mouth to speak, and then freezes. His frown deepens, and he shoots a glance at Max. ‘Can you hear that?'

 

Max raises his eyebrows, not moving from his position against the wall. ‘Hear what -’ 

 

The world explodes. 

 

Time must stop, must jerk forward, Alex must lose seconds of her life, even if the gap between the explosion and awakening feels like the space of a heartbeat, of a blink, because when she opens her eyes there is a jagged hole in the wall and the corridor is full of smoke and ash and there are tiny shards of kryptonite falling across her body, scattered across the ground, and they glitter and gleam like distorted, other worldly drops of rain. 

 

There is a muted ringing in her ears, a dull thump behind her eyes, and Alex turns her head, searching, searching,  _Cat, Cat, Cat,_ but she can’t see anything, her vision is blurry, and in that moment she feels alone, like she’s the only person in this violent pocket of space and time. 

 

She sucks in a sharp breath, and the sound is far too loud. 

 

‘Cat?’ The word sounds garbled, so she clears her throat and tries again, calling out into a muted world, ‘Cat?’

 

The blurred colours across her vision shift and change, she sees blue and red and gold, and then there are hands on her shoulders, and she hears her name, muffled and low, ‘Alex!’ the hands tighten, and then Kara’s face swims into view, ‘ _Alex!’_  


Alex grasps at her, her hand falling clumsily against her neck, and her fingers leave a streak of scarlet in Kara’s hair. Kara loops an arm around her waist and pulls, and Alex lets herself collapse into Kara’s arms for the space of a second, lets Kara pull her up right, and her sister smells like smoke and dirt and blood, and Kara squeezes her tightly before Alex pushes against her shoulder, and she lets go. 

 

Kara looks frantic, worried and desperate and  _exhausted_ , she looks terrible, looks drained, and Alex realises that there are shards of kryptonite settling in her hair, dusting her shoulders, and that her sister is swaying where she stands. ‘Kara, you -’ 

 

‘I’m fine, Alex. Are you okay? Are you hurt?’

 

Alex nods, shrugging off Kara’s concern, turning her head and looking for Cat. ‘Where’s Cat?’

 

‘I’m here, Alex’. 

 

Kara lunges past Alex and draws Cat into a fierce hug, an embrace that is probably too tight and too strong despite the kryptonite falling around them, but Cat wraps her arms around the woman as if she doesn’t care. Cat shakes her head and grumbles, ‘took you long enough’, but there is a smile playing about her lips. She looks okay, shaken and bruised, but Alex thinks that the only damage is to the woman’s outfit, thank god. 

 

There is hand on her shoulder, and when Alex turns and sees Astra standing beside her, her eyes alight with concern and something else, an emotion that Alex has been afraid to put a word to during the past few months, she forgets about Kara and Cat and the ruin of a corridor around them. She steps forward and wraps her arm around Astra’s waist and presses her face to her shoulder, an embrace that is not as desperate as her one with Kara, but Astra presses her hands against Alex’s back, warm and solid and steady, and Alex thinks that maybe things are going to be okay. She feels Astra press her lips to her hairline, and squeezes once before letting go. 

 

Kara is staring at her, looking back and forth between them with what looks like growing understanding, and Alex suddenly realises what she just did, what it obviously looked like, and the faint pressure of Astra’s lips to her forehead might have felt like a small, simple gesture, but to Kara, Kara who knows how Alex isn’t one for affection, who knows that she’s always professional in these situations, it probably looked like nothing short of a declaration. She clears her throat. ‘We should move’, she says, avoiding Kara’s eye. 

 

Astra speaks up. ‘We can send your agents in here to secure the area once you and Cat are safe again’. 

 

Cat is standing very close to Kara, and Alex realises that her sister appears to be leaning against the woman. ‘How did you know where to find us?’

 

Kara seems to shake herself. ‘Lucy. And Hank’. She shakes her head at Cat’s inquisitive look. ‘Its a long story. We’ll explain once we’re out of here’. 

 

Alex isn’t sure what makes her do it, what makes her remember that they’re not alone, but she’d been thinking about how Kara knows, she must, because she’s being anything but professional right now, anything but clinical, and she looks over her shoulder quickly, looking for the two men that wanted to rip her world apart. 

 

She sees Lane, or part of him, his arm sticking out from under a pile of rubble. And then she looks up, and sees Max leaning against the wall, his once crisp purple suit covered in dust and green shards, and sees the gun in his hand. 

 

Max raises it, and Alex remembers that before, he didn’t have one on him. She remembers that Lane did, and that it was full of kryptonite. 

 

She shouts a warning, and hears Kara shift behind her, but Astra steps in front of her, Astra, who has kryptonite caught in her hair and doesn’t seem to resister that Max is holding a gun full of bullets specifically designed to kill her kind, and Alex throws herself forward. 

 

She doesn’t really think it through. Its instinct, to step forward and shove Astra to the side, and all she knows in that moment is an overwhelming need to do  _something_ , to prevent a terrible inevitable painted behind her eyes.

 

She feels what happens in a series of delayed steps. 

 

She collides with Astra with all the strength she can muster. Astra stumbles, and falls with her, probably more from surprise than anything, and her elbow digs into Alex’s ribcage. 

 

The bullets rip into her, And Alex thinks:

 

Arm, leg, torso. 

 

Kara, Astra, Cat. 

 

Pain. 

 

Screaming. 

 

_Don’t die, don’t die, don’t -_

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Alex returns to consciousness suddenly, violently, its not a slow thing, nothing like waking up beneath Max’s castle, the air rushes into her lunges and she jerks, panicked because the last thing she can remember is fear and pain,  _pain_ , and everything burns, everything  _hurts_ , and there is a hand on her chest and - 

 

‘Alex, its okay, its okay,  _Alex!’_  


 

Its Kara, Kara with her hand on her chest and concern written in every line of her face, concern and pain and fear, and Alex lets out a shuddering breath and sags back onto the bed, becoming aware of where she is, that she’s okay, that she’s safe and  _alive_ , and her heart rate slows gradually. 

 

She’s in a hospital, not the DEO, in what looks like an entirely private ward. Everything is clean and white and impersonal, and it reminds her eerily of the walls beneath Max’s domain. She takes another deep breath, and focuses on her sister.

 

Kara looks like she’s been crying for hours, and Alex hates that she is the cause of her sister’s tears. She hates it, but she knows there is nothing she can do. She lifts a hand and Kara immediately grasps it, shifting as close to her as she can, her arm pressing against Alex’s side. Alex runs her thumb over the back of Kara’s hand, seeking to comfort her sister, seeking to smooth that expression from her eyes. ‘Hey’, she says, and it comes out as a croak. 

 

Kara’s mouth twists, and fresh tears shine in her eyes. She takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. ‘Hey’. 

 

Alex clears her throat, and tries again. ‘How long have I been out?’

 

Kara’s jaw tightens. ‘About a week’.

 

‘How am I doing?’

 

‘Well, you were shot in the torso, thigh and arm, but you know’, she smiles weakly, her eyes too bright and too strained, ‘you’re alive. You’re in a private hospital. Cat wouldn’t settle for anything less than best’. 

 

Alex remembers Cat being there when she shouted a warning, remembers a head of short curls swimming in just inside her vision as hands pressed against her leg, and licks her lips. ‘Is Cat alright?’

 

Kara swallows tightly, and laughs, a short sound that is more of a sharp exhale than a note of humour. ‘You always worry about other people’. She squeezes Alex’s hand firmly. ‘She’s fine. A bit shaken, but fine’.

 

‘And you?’

 

‘Alex -’ 

 

‘Are you okay?’

 

Kara takes another deep breath. ‘Fine. I’m fine. You know how fast I heal’. 

 

Alex decides not to comment on the tears in Kara’s eyes, the way her voice shakes on those words. Instead, she swallows, and looks at the ceiling before she says. ‘Astra?’

 

She can’t really remember much of the last few days, can’t remember more than snippets of seconds after the bullets ripped into her skin, but she remembers Astra’s hands on her, pressing down as if she’d been trying to physically hold her together, and she remembers words that might have been her own consciousness yelling at her,  _don’t die don’t die don’t die,_ but might not. 

 

‘She’s… physically, she’s fine. But she hasn’t taken… this very well. I think she blames herself for letting you push her out of the way’. Kara pauses, and Alex feels something like dread bubbling in her chest, because she suddenly knows what Kara is about to say. ‘Alex, I -’ 

 

‘I’m sorry’, she says, staring up at the ceiling, avoiding Kara’s eyes, because she’s afraid that Kara will see this as a betrayal, see it as another lie that Alex has woven into her life. ‘I’m sorry that we didn’t…’ 

 

‘Hey’, Kara stands, and leans over her, and her eyes are intense and unyielding, and Alex is reminded of Astra. ‘Don’t. You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Alex’. 

 

Alex blinks, her throat suddenly tight, because surely it can’t be that easy, surely Kara can’t be so accepting, and she’d spent to long convincing herself that her sister wouldn’t be okay with this that she’d never even  _considered_ an alternative. ‘You’re not… unhappy?’

 

Kara eyebrows go up, and she smiles, a soft, loving smile that is like a warm cocoon wrapping around Alex and shielding her from all the pain in her body, washing away all the terror of those few hours and the fear that she might end up hurting her sister when its the last thing she’s ever wanted to do. ‘Why would I be unhappy?’

 

Alex laughs, a sound that breaks off into a wheeze, but she smiles. ‘Maybe because she’s your aunt?’

 

Kara squeezes her hand again, and her smile doesn’t fade. ‘Yeah, and you’re my sister. You have your own lives, Alex’. She makes a face. ‘Just… feel free to leave out the details, okay?’

 

Alex stares at her for a long moment, frowning slightly. There is something else in Kara’s expression, something behind the smile and the warmth, something that worries her. She squeezes Kara’s hand back. ‘Hey, how are you so okay with this? What am I missing?’

 

‘What, I can’t be happy that you finally seem to be in a relationship with someone who actually cares about you? With someone I don’t have to worry about hurting you?’

 

‘You don’t…’ Alex sighs. She doesn’t like to think of the future, of the future of their relationship, because it is  _nice_ , it is wonderful, it is everything she’s never had and never known she wanted, and she loves it, and that terrifies her, terrifies her because she doesn’t know what to do with the feeling that curls inside her, and there is a part of her, a small, nagging part that won’t leave her alone, that it can’t last. ‘Kara -’ 

 

‘Alex, you just woke up. If you really want to cross question me about whether I’m okay with you having a relationship with my aunt, can’t we do it later?’

 

‘You’re just taking this so well’. 

 

Kara sighs heavily. ‘Okay, okay’, she says, probably in an attempt to placate her, to calm her down. ‘I was surprised when I found out. I wished that you’d told me, but I wasn’t angry. You only found out about my relationship with Cat because you… walked in on me’. A faint blush colours her cheeks, and Alex smiles, glad for the familiarity of Kara’s embarrassment. ‘And I can’t say when I would have told you, and I wasn’t hiding it to hurt you. You weren’t hiding your relationship with Astra to hurt me’. She takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly, and it hits Alex how tired her sister looks, how drained, and she wonders what Kara has been doing to herself during this time.

 

It is obvious that Kara is trying to contain something, perhaps to spare Alex, and so Alex squeezes her hand tightly and says, ‘what’s going on, Kara?’

 

Kara closes her eyes for a moment. ‘You… you died, Alex. Your heart stopped during surgery, and we heard it, and Astra…’ Kara’s mouth twists, and suddenly Alex feels like she can’t breathe. ‘I haven’t… I haven’t ever seen her like that. She just… she didn’t cry, and she didn’t scream. I was… a wreak, as you might imagine’, she laughs, a short sound that is more of a croak, ‘and Cat couldn’t console me and Astra just… she just froze. She didn’t respond to anything Cat did. She didn’t respond when I touched her. It was like she wasn’t there’. Kara closes her eyes, as if the memory physically pains her. ‘And when they got your heart beating again, she just… she just collapsed. She sat against the wall and didn’t move until the doctors came out to tell us that you were going to be okay. Hank had to reassure them that there wasn’t anything wrong with her’.

 

Alex tries to speak steadily, to hide how affected she is by that mental image. ‘Hank was here?’

 

‘Yeah. He’s pissed at you, by the way’. A faint smile across Kara’s pained expression. “Always playing at heroics”. She shakes her head. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised if you get desk duty for the rest of the year’. 

 

The moment of lighthearted humour fades, and Alex says, ‘is Astra around?’  _Is she okay?_ Because Kara said that Astra was fine, physically, and now she thinks she understands why the emphasis was on that. 

 

‘No. She’s been… covering for me. I haven’t really wanted to leave you’. She frowns. ‘Its kind of concerning, really. I don’t think she’s stopped since this happened’. Kara is silent for a moment, and Alex works on trying to swallow past the lump in her throat. Her sister stares at the wall, running her thumb over the back of her hand, and then says suddenly, ‘I think she loves you’. 

 

Alex’s heart seems to stop, just for a second, and Alex squeezes Kara’s hand in what would be an iron grip if Kara was anyone else. ‘What?’

 

‘Astra. I think she loves you’. Kara looks down at her again, and her smile is soft and kind, and the understanding in her eyes makes Alex want to curl up into a ball, so she looks away.

 

‘…oh’. 

 

Kara runs her thumb back and forth against her hand. ‘Get some rest, Alex’.

 

‘Yeah. Okay’. 

 

Alex shuts her eyes, and tries to relax, to let herself sink into the hospital bed and drift off, because she knows that Kara is right, and that she needs sleep. But Kara’s words are circling around and around in her head, and Alex is thinking of the emotion in Astra’s eyes that she hasn’t been able to name.  _Love_. She doesn’t know what to do with the information. It is like an itch beneath her skin, a pulse in her blood, and she doesn’t know how to deal with it, she feels simultaneously alive and drained by it, by the words that Kara’s voice has etched into her ribs, and as she lies there with them ringing in her ears, she feels her throat tighten, and her eyes burn, and however hard she tries, she can’t stop the tears leaking from her eyes. 

 

Maybe its the result of everything thats happened, of being kidnapped and trying to protect Cat at gun point, of being shot and coming so close to death, of  _dying_ , and maybe it isn’t. Maybe its a mix of everything. 

 

Kara squeezes her hand, and Alex lets herself cry. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

When Alex wakes up hours later, she is alone, and there is a sticky note attached to her forehead. 

 

  
_Gone to check on Cat. Will be back asap. Don’t even think about getting up_. 

 

She almost smiles at Kara’s demand, but her throat is dry and raw and she desperately needs water. She glances around the room, and sees that there is a clear bottle of water on the hospital table pushed up against the wall, hopelessly out of reach. She sighs heavily, and steels herself. 

 

Carefully, she shifts up onto he elbows, pushing herself up slowly. The wound in her side burns, and her arm twinges and shakes, and by the time she’s managed to sit up, there are tears in her eyes and she’s gritting her teeth against the sounds of pain caught in her throat. She breathes out slowly, a hiss between her teeth, and closes her eyes, waiting for her heart to stop pounding before she moves again. 

 

She swings her legs over the side of the bed, and reaches for the IV drip, bracing herself, because she knows that she shouldn’t get up, that its a bad idea, but her throat feels like sandpaper. 

 

‘And you thought I was a bad patient’. 

 

Alex freezes, and relief washes over her at the sound of Astra’s voice. She looks up, and finds her standing in the doorway, leaning slightly against the doorframe, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. Alex smiles, and croaks, ‘hey’. 

 

Astra does not smile at her. Her expression is a strange one, smooth and polished and unreadable, her jaw set, and the look in her eyes is hard and fractured, and Alex isn’t sure what to make of it, because she hasn’t seen Astra look so closed off in months. For the first time in weeks, Astra feels untouchable, unreadable, Alex feels like she could reach out for her and the woman would vanish, would step away, and she feels like there is a hand closing slowly around her throat. 

 

‘Astra?’ She says, and she hates how unsure she sounds, ‘is everything… okay?’

 

Astra closes her eyes for a moment, and a tremor seems to run through her. Alex realises that the woman is incredibly tense, like every muscle is locked tight, like she’s trying not to move at all, like she’s torn between stepping forward and stepping back, approaching and fleeing, and Alex doesn’t know what to make of it, of this, because it is very different from the reunion she imagined. ‘No’, Astra says finally, her voice sharp and hard, ‘no, Alex, everything is not alright. Nothing is alright.  _You_  are not alright’. 

 

Alex frowns. She’s slow today, slow because she has a concussion and she’s been shot, and she doesn’t understand why Astra sounds almost angry. She shifts forward to the edge of the bed, and the muscles in her thigh spasm around her wound, and she winces, a sharp sound through her teeth, and bites back a groan. Astra flinches at the sound, the unreadable expression cracks, and Alex sees pain and anger and something else, something like grief, before its gone. Astra steps forward slowly, every line of her body taunt, and passes Alex the water bottle, her arm held out straight and rigid, as if she’s trying to keep distance between them. It hurts, like an ache in her ribs. Its been so long since Alex found it difficult to read the woman that she’d almost forgotten how hard it could be. 

 

She takes the bottle, and forces herself to drink slowly, to ignore the way Astra’s eyes are moving over her, analysing the injuries that litter her body. She sets it down beside her, and meets the woman’s hard gaze with all the strength she can gather, with a steel that straightens her spine. ‘Talk to me, Astra. What’s going on?’

 

Astra takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. Instead of calming her down, the tension radiating off the woman seems to ride, and yeah, she definitely seems angry now. ‘You stepped in front of me, Alex. You pushed me to the side and you took those bullets’.

 

Alex frowns, her own anger rising to the surface at Astra’s words, at the sharpness in her voice. ‘You’re angry at me because I saved your life?’

 

‘You put yourself at risk. You nearly died’. 

 

‘Astra, those bullets were specifically designed to kill you. I did what I had to -’ 

 

‘You  _are not_ expendable, Alex’, Astra snarls, her mask cracked open, eyes wide and angry, but beneath it Alex detects something that might be a plea. 

 

She frowns as the words register. Her anger, which had surged so quickly to the surface, as a defence, is beginning to die. She thinks she might understand what is really going on, because she remembers that time, so long ago, when Astra stepped in front of her to shield her from a kryptonite bomb, and remembers that she’d been angry. ‘I never said I was’. 

 

‘And yet you act as if you are. This is not the first time you’ve acted so recklessly. You put everyone above yourself, as if your life is worth less than theirs’. Her shoulders slump. ‘And it is  _not_ ’. 

 

Alex reaches for her, unsure what to say to that. It is her job, putting people before herself, getting them out of harms way. Astra takes a step forward, and her anger seems to trail behind her, slipping slowly from her shoulders. As it drains, Alex becomes aware of how exhausted and strained she looks. ‘Astra… I won’t apologise for trying to protect you’. 

 

‘It was foolish of you, Alex’. Astra looks her up and down, taking in her injuries, a severe frown furrowing her brow. ‘If you had died…’ her mouth twists, and she says forcefully, ‘my life is not worth yours’. 

 

Alex stares at her. Her lips are parted in surprise, and shuts her mouth with a snap, realising that she probably looks comical. She thinks that Astra is really guilty of the same thing she’s being accused of, sacrificing herself over others, seeing herself as less, as if she needs to punish herself for the things she’s done, the things she’s trying to redeem herself for, and she hadn’t forgotten, she hadn’t, but she’d thought it had lessened in the past weeks. ‘Astra…’ 

 

‘You almost died, Alex. Because you wanted to save me. And it  _would not_ have been worth it’. 

 

Alex tries not to think about how it felt, that brush with death, because she knows how close she came. ‘You would have done the same thing for Kara, Astra’.

 

‘I would have done the same for you’. Astra speaks just as forcefully, but her eyes have softened. Alex’s heart tightens. 

 

She swallows past a sudden lump in her throat. She doesn’t know why Astra’s words hurt, which hurt more, but they do. ‘Well’, she says after a pause, her voice cracking like her throat is still raw, ‘there you go’.

 

That fierce, had look returns, and so Alex gentles her voice. ‘I’m fine, Astra. Well, okay, I’m not fine. But I didn’t die. So it was worth it’. 

 

Astra steps closer suddenly, fitting herself into the space between her legs, and takes Alex’s face in her hands. Her thumbs rest on her cheekbones, her fingers sliding into her hair, and despite the steel in her expression, the touch is soft. She leans forward, and brings their foreheads together. Alex is a little startled by gesture, by the tenderness that bleeds through steel, by the sudden shift from anger to something soft and fragile. She can’t embrace the woman, not with her arm the way it is, so instead she reaches up with her other hand and grasps the back of Astra’s head, and holds her there. 

 

When Astra speaks, all the anger has drained from her voice. ‘Your bravery was foolish, Alex’. 

 

The last time Alex heard Astra talk like that, the woman was trying to warn her about Kara. She understands, suddenly, and wonders why she didn’t see it before, because she’s felt the same way when Kara has done something incredibly reckless. ‘I scared you’. 

 

‘You…’ Astra breathes out shakily. ‘Your blood was all over my hands, and there was nothing I could do. You’ve been out for days and there was nothing I could do. You nearly died and - ’ she stops, and Alex feels her frown. ‘I haven’t felt so helpless since Krypton’. Her fingers tighten. ‘You  _terrified_ me’. 

 

She takes a shuddering breath, and Alex has never heard her sound so shaken, so strained. ‘You died, Alex. During surgery, your heart stopped. You  _died_ , and I felt…’ Her mouth twists, and Alex hears the sound that catches between the woman’s teeth, like the beginning of a sob. She combs her fingers through Astra’s silky hair, pressing the heel of her palm against the base of her skull, seeking to offer comfort for something she does understand, she does, because she remembers Astra lying prone and pale with wires plugged into her skin, dying because Alex hadn’t second guessed what she’d been seeing. ‘Your heart stopped, and I  _felt_ it. I felt it here’. Astra presses a hand to Alex’s chest, and then moves it to her own, massaging the place above her heart as if she can still feel it. 

 

Alex wonders whether what Astra experienced was a phantom sensation, a side effect of her enhanced hearing, if when she heard Alex’s heart stutter and stop, she imagined the feeling. She remembers Kara’s words, the words that have become etched in her bones, and sighs. She doesn’t apologise. She has nothing to apologise for. She doesn’t regret the action that possibly saved Astra’s life, and she knows that she would do it again if she had to, without thinking twice. 

 

Instead, she kisses her. 

 

The angle is awkward, but Astra tilts Alex's head up with her thumb beneath her chin, and its a desperate kiss, a press of teeth and tongues, but its tempered by the gentle way Astra touches her. Alex remembers how she once hated the idea of being treated like glass, like something breakable, but there is something about the way Astra cradles the back of her head that makes her feel safe and whole and protected. 

 

When they break apart, she drops her hand to Astra’s back, to the place between her shoulder blades, against the ridge of her spine, and pulls her closer. Astra shifts forwards until her thighs are pressed against the bed, her hips framed by Alex’s legs, and wraps her arms carefully around her. She cradles her head, fingers twined in her hair, her other arm wrapped around her waist, and drops her head, her spine curving against Alex’s hand, her face pressed against her shoulder. Alex presses her lips to Astra’s collarbone, and rests her forehead there. With Astra pressed against her like that, Alex feels wonderfully warm. She feels loved. 

 

Astra sighs heavily against her shoulder, and even though her words are mumbled, Alex hears them perfectly well. ‘You nearly died. We nearly lost you.  _I_ nearly lost you, and I don’t - I can’t...’

 

Alex runs her hand up and down Astra’s back, and slips it beneath her shirt, because she thinks that the woman needs the physical reassurance, just as much as she does. ‘Its okay, Astra. I’m okay. I’m right here’. 

 

She repeats the words until they almost become a mantra, for herself, for Astra, even though its Kara’s voice repeating over and over in her head,  _I think she loves you_ , and she listens to Astra breathe deeply against her shoulder, warm and solid and just as alive as she is, despite everything, despite Maxwell Lord’s plans for both of them, despite injuries they both shouldn’t have survived, and wars that threatened to take everything from them. She clutches Astra to her with one arm, and thinks that she loves her, too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is incredibly late sorry everyone! i recently got back into my the 100 fic, so i've been trying to juggle that and this and life, but anyway. 
> 
> sorry for all the angst but it felt pretty important. more fluff next chapter i think.
> 
> this was originally meant to be the last chapter, but again, it got away from me, so there's gonna be one more chapter, which is basically written. any last suggestions? :)
> 
> hope this one was worth that wait!


	6. Chapter 6

Alex’s recovery takes weeks, far longer than Astra’s did, and it doesn’t take long for Alex to think that she’s going to go out of her mind with boredom. 

 

She gets regular visits from Kara and Cat, from Astra and Hank, but she hates staring at the same four falls every day, even with the TV to keep her entertained. 

 

She hates that her rhythm has been broken, hates the inactivity, that she can’t do her routine exercises and work in her lab. She hates waking up in a strange bed, without Astra’s warmth beside her, without the sun streaming through the windows. She even misses the alarm for those early mornings. 

 

She feels trapped and caged, and it drives her mad.

 

There are consequences to what happened at Lord Technologies, in the corridors in its foundations. The city is shocked by the story, by the tale Cat reports that is entirely true, word for word. 

 

It is Lucy who tells Alex all about it, one day when she comes to visit her. 

 

The young woman stands at ease by her bed when Alex beckons her in, and she seems relaxed aside from the tension in her jaw. Finally, she sighs, and says, ‘I… what my father did… I want you to know that I never approved. I never would have approved’.

 

Alex stares. ‘I know, Lucy. Kara told me that you were the reason we were found so quickly’. 

 

Lucy sighs again. ‘I… I didn’t want to believe what he was doing. I couldn’t. But he was acting so strangely - he basically said goodbye, and I just  _knew_ that there was something off. So James got Winn to help me hack into his files and… well. It wasn’t hard to put things together. Hank seemed to have a pretty good idea of where to look’. 

 

Alex smiles and inclines her head. ‘Thank you, Lucy. You’re probably the reason I’m still here, really. It can’t have been easy’. 

 

Lucy takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. ‘It wasn’t. But it was the right thing to do. I don’t know if he’ll ever let me visit him, or if he’ll ever forgive me, but I don’t regret it. Kara’s my friend. I couldn’t stand by and watch her lose her family when I had the power to stop it’. 

 

Despite the fact that the last time Alex saw General Lane, he seemed to be crushed under rubble, he survived the incident. Kara dragged him out, perhaps at Cat’s insistence that he needed a proper trial. Maxwell Lord was not so lucky, and Alex finds that she can’t regret the man’s death at all. While Astra flew her straight to the hospital, Kara got Cat out, checked that the tower was clear, and managed to get Lane out before the lower level of the building caved in, as a consequence of two Kryptonians smashing through the foundations of his building, setting off the explosives he’d rigged all over the floors in a devastating chain reaction. Lord died instantly when the lower floor caved in. 

 

His plan, according to the intel the DEO had gathered in the aftermath of it all, was apparently to say that Astra had gone off the rails, and kidnapped the most powerful members of their society. Supergirl would’ve been killed by her aunt, attempting to save them, and Cat would’ve been killed when the tower collapsed. Lane would’ve been a hero for stopping Astra, likely leading him to take full control of the DEO and all the aliens it had captured, including Astra, and Max’s fears about trusting aliens to save the city and its people would’ve been proven right. 

 

Alex personally thinks that the man might have actually been crazy. 

 

Alex shifts, seeking to fill the silence, to find a way to distract the woman from the direction her thoughts are probably going. ‘What will you do now?’

 

‘Actually, I think we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other, Agent Danvers’. Lucy smiles, a wide, genuine one, and some of the weight lifts from the room. ‘Hank’s offered me a position within your organisation. I wasn’t sure if I should take it, but Kara’s kinda insisting’. 

 

Alex smiles, genuinely pleased. ‘You should. Its probably perfect for you’.

 

Lucy laughs. ‘I’ll keep that in mind’. She steps forward, and takes Alex’s offered hand. ‘Get well soon, Agent Danvers’.

 

At the door way, she stops and turns, an amused smirk pulling at her lips. ‘Did you know that Clark is planning to propose to Lois?’ Her smile widens to a grin. ‘If she accepts, that’ll make us family’. 

 

Alex grins. ‘Fair warning, Lucy. Its a strange one’. 

 

Lucy smile fades slightly, becoming almost wistful, but the warmth in her eyes is genuine. ‘Aren’t they all?’

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Alex doesn’t feel like she can truly breathe again until she’s finally discharged from the hospital. She’s given instructions to continue to rest, to remain in bed while she recovers, and she has the awful feeling that Astra is going to follow those instructions to the letter. 

 

She is right, of course, the first night she returns to their apartment and Astra feeds her, and sends her straight to bed. She slips into bed with her and gives her a very serious look when she says, ‘Kara has instructed me to let you rest, Alex’. 

 

Alex almost chokes. ‘Kara told you that you can’t have sex with me?’ She can’t help but laugh at the idea. ‘How did she even get the words out?’

 

‘It was… sufficiently awkward for both of us’. 

 

Alex grumbles. ‘Has she given you a specific time period, or is this indefinitely?'

 

‘Absolutely not’, Astra says, the curl of her lips more of a smirk than a smile. ‘But she is right. You just got out of hospital’.

 

‘Where I did nothing but rest, Astra’.

 

Astra raises an eyebrow. Alex thinks that its quite unfair really, the way Astra lies beside her, propped up on her elbow with the sheet pooled around her waist, with the silvery moonlight washing over her bare skin. ‘Sleep, Alex’.

 

Alex grumbles. ‘Fine’. 

 

Astra lies down beside her, and finds her hand. Alex lets her fit their fingers together, and sighs. ‘So Kara’s so comfortable with this that she’s talking to you about our sex life?’

 

Astra chuckles. ‘Comfortable isn’t really the right word. But its better than disapproval, isn’t it?’

 

‘She’s practically given us her blessing, so yeah. Much better’.

 

Astra hums, and its a melodic sound, like the first bar of a song she’s half forgotten, and for the first time since she woke up trapped beneath Lord’s castle, Alex feels herself relax. She smiles into the dark and squeezes her hand. ‘Its good to be home, Astra’. 

 

Astra rolls over and kisses her softly. She stays there, lying on her front, and drapes an arm over her stomach carefully, below her gradually healing wound. ‘And I'm glad you're back, Alex’.

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Alex wakes to Astra pressed against her side, an arm still wrapped around her waist, her lips pressed to the curve of her neck. She keeps her eyes closed as sleep releases her from its embrace, becoming aware that her arm has gone numb, pinned underneath Astra’s head. She shifts her hand, and trails her fingers lazily up and down her side, down her ribs to the curve of her hip, and then back up again. It occurs to her how different it is from the way Astra always sleeps, flat on her back and almost rigid, except for all the places she is not.

 

There is something warm and soft pressed against her other shoulder, above her injury, and something is tickling her nose. She opens her eyes, her vision bleary, and blinks until her vision finally clears. When it does, she nearly physically jumps. 

 

There is a small black cat sitting on her pillow. She stares at it. It stares back, its eyes bright and gold, its tail waving back and forth lazily in front of her face, flicking across her nose. 

 

She clears her throat. ‘Astra?’

 

The woman grunts. Alex nudges her. She groans quietly, and mumbles, ‘what?’

 

‘There is a cat on my pillow’. 

 

Astra sighs heavily, her eyes still closed. ‘And?’

 

‘We don’t have a cat’. 

 

Astra sighs again. ‘It is far too early for this, Alexandra. Go back to sleep’. 

 

‘Astra, why is there a cat on my pillow?’

 

Astra groans, and rolls onto her back. She looks instantly wide awake, and Alex can see her glaring at her in her peripheral vision. ‘This honestly couldn’t wait until morning?’ She sighs. ‘I found her in a box in an alley when… during your first week in hospital’. She swallows tightly, and Alex takes her hand. It is still hard for Kara and Astra to talk about what happened to her. She knows that in their own, yet very similar ways, they feel responsible. ‘I took her to a… a Vet? But they said she was fine, so I brought her here. I was intending to give her to Cat, as a gift, but the company was… nice. The days just passed, and she stayed’. 

 

Alex privately thinks that it is a very good thing that Astra decided not to present Cat with the gift. The woman hates plays on her name, and she probably would’ve seen it as one, even if Astra hadn’t meant it that way. ‘You accidentally adopted a cat?’

 

Astra rolls onto her side, supporting her head with her arm. Her face is half hidden in the dark, the silver streak startling in the moonlight. Where the light touches her skin, her shoulder, her arm, her hip, she looks like she’s made of marble. ‘You don’t like cats?’

 

‘I… I don’t dislike them, and I don’t love them’. She glances at the cat again. It tilts its head, regarding her with those golden, orb like eyes. It is a little… unnerving. ‘Does it always stare like that?’

 

’She’s just interested’. Astra leans up and reaches over her. ‘I discovered the most curious thing about her. Listen’. She presses her fingers behind the cat’s ear, and rubs. She rubs her fingers back and forth behind its ear, and then down under its jaw. The cat tilts its head up, closes its eyes, and starts to purr. The vibration runs through the pillow under Alex’s head, through her shoulder, and Astra grins. Alex turns her head, watching the curve of her smile, the genuine delight twinkling in her eyes, the way her hair falls over the curve of her shoulder. She feels that warmth unfurl in her heart, and smiles. She wonders if the space between her ribs reserved for the things she has collected about Astra will ever fill up and overflow and spill into the rest of her, into her blood and her bones, if the woman will become as much a part of her body and soul as she has become a part of her life. She doesn’t think she would mind. 

 

‘Astra?’

 

Astra looks down at her, that smile still brightening her eyes. ‘Yes?’

 

‘Sex doesn’t have to be strenuous’. 

 

And Astra laughs, a full, rich, gloriously beautiful sound, tilting her head back and letting it unfurl into the room, and the sound sings through Alex, like the vibrations of the cat purring by her head, like it is a part of her, and Alex stares, soaking in the sound, immortalising the moment behind her eyes, taking it and folding it away into a space that is growing and swelling and bursting. 

 

Astra leans down and kisses her deeply, smiling against her lips. ‘Alright, Alex’. 

 

Alex buries her hand in Astra’s hair and kisses her back until she’s breathless. ‘Astra? Move the cat first’.

 

Astra laughs again, and Alex doesn’t think she’ll ever tire of the sound.

 

When Astra returns, and pulls the sheets away from her body, her touch is gentle and almost reverent, and Alex thinks back to the day she woke up in hospital, and saw how shaken Astra was. Since that day, Astra hasn’t clung to her, like Kara has clearly been tempted to. Aside from more frequent touches and lingering glances, she’s treated her practically the same way she always has. Perhaps its because she still remembers how frustrated she was during her own injury, and how Alex refused to treat her like an invalid. They are very similar, in that regard, down playing their injuries for their own reasons. For Astra, it is because she’s become used to how invulnerable the Earth has made her, and to her, her injuries are reminders that she can, and should do better. 

 

For Alex, it is more simple. It is a reminder of how fragile she is in comparison to her sister, to her lover, to this other world that has intertwined with her own. 

 

But here, in the silver light of their bedroom, with the shadows curved around them, Astra presses her lips to every inch of Alex’s skin, and seems to give in to a desperate, suppressed need to reassure herself that yes, Alex is alive, and that she didn’t die on that table. Alex lies back and keeps one of their hands intertwined, and gives in to sensation, and for now, bites back the words that still terrify her, and that she longs to say.  

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

The incident with the red kryptonite is the worst thing to happen to Alex, to all of them, since what occurred at Lord Technologies.

 

When she finds Kara in the dark of her apartment, Alex is reminded shockingly of Astra, Astra as she used to be, as she was before redemption and friendship and love. She’s reminded of the first time she saw her, and its not just because of the how she’s dressed. Its in the way she holds herself, the quick slant of her smile, a smile that is predatory and dangerous, and Alex is frightened. 

 

She’s frightened because this is Kara, but it is not. She’s frightened that Kara will do something that she will regret when they save her, and that it will destroy her. 

 

She wasn’t expecting the words Kara throws at her, or how much they hurt. And they do, they  _hurt_ , they tear through her skin like barbs, twisting in her heart and clogging her throat, and she can’t speak, she can’t try and reason with her sister, because she thinks that if she opens her mouth, she’ll start to cry. 

 

There is a rush of air, and then Astra is standing on the balcony, placing herself between Kara and her escape, and Alex watches Kara’s eyes narrow. She turns very slowly to face her aunt, and every line of her body is sharp and deadly, like an animal stalking its prey. 

 

When Astra sees Kara’s face, she goes very still, and very pale, and Alex realises that she’s seeing the same similarities. 

 

‘Aunt Astra’, Kara drawls, ‘here to play the hero?’

 

‘Kara’, Astra speaks softly, raising her hands to shoulder height in a gesture of peace, and Alex wants to tell her that it is no use, really, that words are not going to work and that they need  to leave and find a way to save her,  _quickly_ , ‘you need to listen to me. You are not yourself. Do not do anything that you will regret’.

 

Kara laughs, a short, cruel sound, and Alex flinches. ‘Wow, my sister has really rubbed off on you, Aunt Astra’. She says it like it is the worst thing that could possibly have happened. ‘I liked you a lot better when you were a General’. 

 

‘That is not true, Kara, and you know it. You were the one who fought so hard to convince me that I was wrong. And you were right’. There is a plea in Astra’s voice, and Alex wants to tell her that its pointless, that Kara’s brain has been altered and that they have to find a way to change it back.

 

‘No, you listen to me, Aunt Astra. You want to save this world, right? Well you can’t. These people?’ she gestures out towards the city, but her eyes don’t leave Astra’s. ‘They won’t change. They are selfish and self serving and they are far too comfortable in their pathetic lives to make the sacrifices necessary to really change things’. She takes a step closer. ‘Your approach to the problem before? That was the right one’. 

 

‘Kara - ’ 

 

‘Don’t tell me that you’re not okay with servitude, Aunt Astra, because you and Non created the Myriad effect for the sole purpose of wiping out humanity’. Kara scoffs, shaking her head. ‘These people… they have  _no idea_ of the power we hold. We are the last heirs of the House of El, Astra, and to these people? We are  _gods_. Why should we hide? Why should we let them hold us back?’

 

Astra takes a step forward, bringing them close together. A muscle jumps in her jaw. ‘Little one, if you had come to me with this argument months ago, I would have listened. If you had asked to join me then, and said these things, I would have welcomed you with open arms’. She sighs heavily. ‘But you have shown me that there is hope in these people.  _You_ changed me. This is not you talking. You are  _not_ yourself’. 

 

Kara throws her hands up into the air and turns away from Astra, and the look on her face is one that Alex has never seen before. ‘You think you’ve changed, Aunt Astra? What, you think that you can join Hank’s army and start banging my sister and save a few lives and suddenly you’ve found redemption?’

 

Something in Astra’s face changes, and her shoulders straighten. Alex wants to do something, she wants to stop Kara, because she doesn’t want Astra to suffer through the same bitter words that she just did, but she can’t. She’s an outsider in this moment. 

 

Kara turns back sharply, and steps forward again. Astra doesn’t back down, but Alex can see her swallow tightly. ‘What makes you think that you even deserve redemption, after you failed our world? After they all died? After you escaped Fort Rozz to plot another civilisation’s genocide?’ 

 

It is strange, Alex thinks, how this version of Kara can go from wanting to convince Astra to join her to wanting to rip her apart with nothing but words, and she thinks that if Maxwell Lord was still alive, she’d kill him for what he’s doing to her sister. She wonders if its like the hallucination she experienced, if there is a part of Kara that is aware of what she’s doing, of how much she’s hurting them all. 

 

Kara steps closer again, and the skin around her eyes seems to glow red. ‘You abandoned me, Aunt Astra. You were here on this Earth for as long as I was, and you  _never_ tried to find me. I was alone, and all I had was a family who deep down, hated me for tearing apart their perfect little world’.

 

Astra’s mouth twists, and there is guilt in her eyes. ‘Kara, I tried to find you. I didn’t know if you were alive, and when I looked, there was no sign of you. I didn’t even know that Alura had found a way to save you’. 

 

Kara snarls. ‘Do  _not_ talk about my mother, Aunt Astra. She was good, and kind and  _she_ deserved another chance. Do you know how many times since you revealed yourself that I’ve wished you were her? That I’ve wished you traded places?’ There is a sneer twisting Kara’s lips, and it is wrong, its all wrong, and Alex wants to stop her, she  _needs_ to stop her, because the look on Astra’s face is heartbreaking. 

 

Kara shifts closer until she’s almost touching her aunt, spitting words across the minimal space between them, and each word seems to strike Astra like physical blows. ‘Why should you get a second chance, Aunt Astra? Why should you get to live, when she died?’ She shakes her head, and her laugh is cruel and cold. ‘You have a chance at redemption, and you’re wasting it’. 

 

Astra closes her eyes for a moment, and when she speaks, there is a waver in her voice. ‘What do you suggest, Kara, if my attempts at redemption aren’t enough?’

 

Alex feels like there is a cold hand closing around her heart, because all Astra has ever wanted since discovering that Kara is alive is her love, her forgiveness and acceptance, and she knows that Astra would do anything for Kara, would follow her anywhere, and for one horrible second, she wonders if she would do that, even for this version of her niece. 

 

Kara smiles suddenly, shifting from one mood to the next in the blink of an eye, and the red veins glow briefly around her eyes. ‘Do what you were trying to do’.

 

Astra takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. When she opens her eyes, her expression has hardened to stone, her eyes sharp and unyielding. Her spine straightens, her shoulders square, and Alex watches her don the mask of the General that she hasn’t needed to be. ‘No’, she says, and the smile vanishes from Kara’s expression. ‘No, Kara. You have changed me, and I will not go back to being that person’. 

 

Kara hisses. ‘Then get out of my way, and stay out of my life’. 

 

Astra steps forward, until they are almost touching, and now she’s radiating a power of her own. ‘If you truly want me gone, Kara, then I will go. But first, I will save you from this. I will save you from destroying the things you love’. 

 

Kara shrugs, a cocky smile curving her lips. ‘You can try’. 

 

She brushes past Astra and is gone in a second, her departure so sudden and unexpected that Alex wonders if she’s still there. But then Astra presses a hand to her face, over her mouth, her eyes closing tightly for a second, a sharp inhale in the sudden silence, and she decides that Kara really is gone. 

 

She steps forward, and places her hand on Astra’s shoulder. It feels as hard as steel beneath her fingers. ‘Are you okay?’

 

It is a pointless question, but Astra nods anyway, dropping her hand to rest over Alex’s. Her expression is still hard, still stone, even if her eyes are too bright and pinched at the corners. ‘Are you?’

 

‘I will be, once we fix this’. And they  _will_ fix this. 

 

Astra nods again, and squeezes her hand once before letting go. ‘You should return to your lab, Alex. If anyone can find a cure for this, it’s you’. 

 

‘Do you know anything about this form of kryptonite? Anything that can help?’

 

Astra shakes her head. ‘Very little. I do know that it could not have naturally occurred here. If Maxwell Lord was responsible for its creation, he probably found a way to alter its original form’. 

 

Alex frowns. ‘Like what I did when we faced Bizarro?’

 

Astra nods again. ‘Perhaps you should start there’. 

 

Alex nods, her mind already racing, trying to to push away every word that Kara tore through her skin, to work out how to fix things. ‘What are you going to do?’

 

‘I’m going to get Cat, and take her back to the DEO. I won’t let this ruin Kara’s relationship with the woman she loves. And I won’t have any one else hurt by her words’. 

 

Alex lets her hand shift to the back of Astra’s neck, because she knows that physical contact comforts the woman, but she doesn’t embrace her. It doesn’t feel right, with the urgency in the air, with the way Astra is clearly trying to contain however she is feeling. ‘We’ll fix this, Astra’. 

 

Astra reaches up, combs her hand through Alex’s hair, cups the back of her head, and pulls her closer to rest their foreheads together briefly. It lasts for the space of a few seconds, before she pulls away, and presses a kiss to the same place. ‘I know’. 

 

She steps towards the balcony, but before she goes, Alex says, ‘Astra, you know that she didn’t mean any of that, right?’

 

Astra has her back to her, but she hears the woman’s heavy sigh. ‘On the contrary, Alex. I think she meant every word’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Cat finds her in her lab, and Alex is so absorbed in her work that she doesn’t realise that the woman has joined her until the woman says, ‘what happened, Alex?’

 

She starts, almost knocking over her microscope, and she sucks in a sharp breath, her heart suddenly pounding. ‘Jesus, Cat’.

 

Cat arches an eyebrow, a faint smile curving her lips, but there is undisguised concern in her eyes. ‘And here I thought spies were meant to be hard to sneak up on’. 

 

Alex rubs a hand over her face and sighs heavily. ‘I’m not a spy, Cat. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that’. 

 

Cat reaches out and places a hand on her arm, a light touch that is not invasive. ‘Alex, what happened?’

 

She takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly. ‘You know that we’ve been sorting through Maxwell Lord’s files, right? We found a paper trail leading to a storage facility. We assumed that that was where he was holding most of the weapons he’d developed against the Kryptonians. While we were there, Kara was exposed to an altered form of kryptonite. The full affects are… undetermined at the moment, but its affected her brain. She’s become… basically the opposite of who she is’. 

 

Cat swallows tightly. ‘Can you fix it?’

 

‘I’m trying. Astra thinks that its been altered in a similar way to the blue kryptonite I engineered to stop Bizarro. We found that the green kryptonite had a weakness to the blue. I’m hoping that it’ll be the same for this version’. 

 

Cat tightens her hand on Alex’s arm, and leans forward to catch her eye. ‘Alex? What did she do to you? What did she do to Astra?’

 

Alex turns away, looking down at her notes, but the words are a blur. She sighs, and says quietly, ‘she took every insecurity we had and she used it to hurt us’. 

 

‘She wouldn’t have meant it, Alex’. 

 

Alex stays silent. She remembers Astra’s words, and ignores the burn at the back of her throat. Kara may not have meant any of it, not truly, but the words hurt. And Astra clearly believes that they were meant, and that hurts, too. She sighs. ‘I know, Cat. But you of all people should know that words hurt’. 

 

Cat sighs. ‘If Maxwell Lord was still alive I would take great pleasure in destroying him’. 

 

‘There would be a line, trust me’. 

 

‘Can I help?’ 

 

Alex stops, and looks at her, pushing away what she’s working on for a moment. ‘There might be, actually. Can you call Lucy? Her father was working with Lord for quite a while. He might know something, if she can get him to talk’. 

 

Cat nods. ‘Leave it to me’.

 

‘There is one other thing. Hank’s been trying to work out how to warn everyone that Kara is dangerous now, and that she’s not actually herself. Problem is, no one knows about our organisation. We can’t reveal ourselves, and if we did, very few people would trust us’. 

 

‘So, if it comes to it, you want me to warn everyone to stay away from Kara’. Cat nods again. ‘I’ll take care of it’. 

 

Alex watches her go, before turning quickly back to her work. She hasn’t heard from Astra since their encounter in Kara’s apartment, and the woman didn’t come to see her when she dropped Cat off. She has no idea if Astra’s had to confront Kara again, to stop her from hurting other people. She just has to hope that she finds a way to stop her sister before she does something she’ll never forgive herself for. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

‘Agent Danvers?’ 

 

Alex glances up from her lap. Hank is standing in the doorway, and despite the professional environment, despite the fact that here he is simply her boss, rather than the father figure he’s become, he looks undeniably concerned. He crosses the room towards her, pulls up a chair, and sits down in front of her. He reaches out, and touches her knee. ‘We’ll get Kara back, Alex. Whatever it takes, we’ll find a way’. 

 

She rubs a hand over her face, and leans back to look him in the eye. She holds up her notes. ‘I think I've found a way’. 

 

He frowns. ‘I would’ve thought you’d look happier about it’. 

 

She swallows tightly. She feels slightly queasy. ‘It... could go very wrong’. 

 

He gives her knee a squeeze, and Alex reminds herself that this is just as important to him. That he, like her, like Astra, would do whatever it takes to save Kara. ‘Tell me what you’ve found, Agent Danvers’.

 

She takes a deep breath. ‘The sample I have of the red kryptonite isn’t enough for me to create an antidote, and its not telling me enough, but I don’t think that matters. The problem we faced with Bizarro was that the original version of kryptonite only made her stronger. From what I’ve been able to work out, we shouldn’t have that problem this time. Kara should still have the same weakness to the original kryptonite’. 

 

Hank nods slowly, looking at her inquisitively. ‘So we just contain her, then?’

 

‘That won’t actually cure her. Kara’s absorbed it into her bloodstream. We need to find a way to get it out. I think… I think we need her to sweat it out’. 

 

‘And how do we do that?’ 

 

Despite the question, the look in Hank’s eye tells Alex that he’s already guessed, and knows exactly why she’s not pleased. She takes a deep breath, and says, the words like lead on her tongue, ‘we might need to stab her’. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

‘Are you sure about this?’

 

Cat looks more apprehensive than nervous, tapping her nails repeatedly on her elbow. The skin around her mouth is tight, and Alex wonders if she’s remembering her words, that Kara threw all of their insecurities in their faces. ‘You really think that stabbing her is the solution?’

 

‘Its a last resort, Cat. If we can contain her and bring her in, it won’t be necessary. She’ll be able to sweat it out in the cell. We just… wanted to tell you, incase it comes to that’. 

 

Cat glances at Hank and Astra. ‘And you think it will work?’

 

Hank nods. Alex tunes out from the conversation, watching a tick in Astra’s jaw. The woman looks slightly wild, her hair windswept, and there is a streak of ash on her cheek, a sign of things she’s been cleaning up in the wake of Kara’s episode of devastation. 

 

It is difficult to tell what Astra thinks of their plan. Her expression has been hard and unreadable since she returned to the DEO. She’s not Kara’s aunt here, anymore, because she can’t be. Alex knows that what Kara said to the woman hurt her, she knows that Astra just had her worst insecurities flung at her by the girl she would die for, but she can’t face those things right now, so she’s retreated into the shell she wore when she was commanding her army. Alex knows that she needs to do the same, as she did when they faced Non, but there is something different about this situation, because it is Kara they are facing,  _Kara_ , and every time she tries to lock it all away, a cold thrill of fear runs up her spine. 

 

There is a low buzzing sound, and Cat holds up a hand to silence Hank before she pulls her phone out of her pocket. Her eyes widen, and when she flashes the screen at them, Alex feels her throat tighten. ‘Answer it’. 

 

Cat licks her lips, and presses the accept button. ‘Kara?’

 

Alex doesn’t have enhanced hearing, so she can’t hear what Kara says to her, but she sees the way Astra’s lips press into a thin line, and she sees the way Hank’s jaw tightens. Cat sits up straighter, frowning slightly. ‘Okay, Kara’, she says, the tension around her eyes undermining the cool, collected way she speaks. ‘I’ll be out soon’. 

 

She hangs up, and Hank says, ‘no. Absolutely not’. 

 

‘Can someone fill me in?’ Alex asks, realising that she’s the only one out of the loop. 

 

‘Kara wants to talk to me. She knows I’m here, and she wants me to return to CatCo’. 

 

‘How did she even know you were here?’

 

‘Logic’. Astra’s voice is clipped and tight. She looks at Hank, and shakes her head slightly. ‘The timing is wrong. This plan of yours won’t work, not now’. 

 

Cat stands, her jaw tight with determination. ‘Shouldn’t we use this opportunity? Just give me some kryptonite’.

 

‘No, Cat -’ 

 

‘We need to stop her, Alex, you said so yourself. Just… give me one of those specialised tranquilliser guns that you people seem to have so many of, and I’ll go talk to her’. 

 

‘I’ll go with you’.

 

Cat looks like she’s about to argue, but then Astra cuts across her. ‘Alex is right. Kara is unpredictable in this state. Once you have a head start, I will take Hank, and we will wait close by, but you should not go alone’. 

 

She exchanges a glance with Hank, and he nods. ‘We’ll have a containment unit ready. If it doesn’t work, we’ll get you out of there straight away, and we’ll find another way’. 

 

  
_We have to._ It goes unsaid, as Hank hands Cat a tranquilliser gun, as Astra leaves to change into her kryptonite-proof suit, as Alex makes arrangements for the containment unit, none of them say it, but its there, as heavy as a physical weight hanging from their shoulders, and Alex tries not to think of how it is already going wrong, and how badly it could. She feels like everything is spiralling out of control, and there is no anchor to stop it. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

In the end, they don’t need to drive all the way back to the city, because Kara lands on the road in front of them when the DEO is still visible on behind them on the horizon. 

 

Alex slams on the breaks, and they come to a stop close enough to Kara that her sister leans forward, and taps her fingers on the hood of the car, shaking her head slightly. She’s smiling, a lazy smile, and despite the fact that she’s dressed differently, despite the way she’s holding herself, Alex still sees her sister, and her heart aches. 

 

They climb out of the car, and Kara drawls, ‘you were taking far too long. I have better things to do’. 

 

Cat folds her arms, a frown creasing her brow, and she looks surprisingly at ease, surprisingly unworried. ‘You called me, Kara’.

 

‘Yes, and you just had to bring my lovely sister along. This is between us, Cat'.

 

Alex steps forward slightly, and Kara’s eyes snap to her. The dislike in those eyes, the contempt, makes her feel slightly sick. ‘You’re not yourself, Kara. I wanted to make sure that you didn’t hurt her’. 

 

Kara laughs, that cold, cruel sound ringing out into the dark, and Cat’s eyes widen slightly. It is clear that hearing about the change to Kara, and seeing it, are two very different things. ‘Hurt, Alex? You mean, like you’re both planning to?'

 

There is a blur, and when Alex blinks, Kara is standing in the same place, waving Cat’s tranquilliser gun in her hand. She throws it high into the air, and burns it to nothing with her heat vision, leaving white scorched on the back of Alex’s eyes. Kara looks back at Cat, and her expression is sharp and deadly. Alex draws her own weapon, because she cannot let Kara hurt Cat, she can’t, and something collides with her hard enough to knock her into the car. Something in her arm  _pops_ , and all the injuries she sustained in Lord Technologies  scream in protest, and Alex bites down on the inside of her mouth to contain a cry of pain, hard enough to taste blood. 

 

Cat is by her side in an instant, and Alex tries to tell her to go, to get in the car and leave her and get herself to safety, but when she opens her mouth, a pained, pathetic sound escapes her lips, and when Cat glances back up at Kara, there is a very real fear in her eyes. 

 

‘Kara’, she says, a plea, ‘you need to stop this. There must be some part of you that knows that this is wrong. That you have to stop. You just hurt Alex, and you love her, and -’ 

 

Kara shrugs slightly. ‘I love you, Cat’, she says, a dismissal, a nonchalant tone, ‘and yet you just betrayed me. Love hurts, little cat. Its better not to have it at all’. 

 

Cat opens her mouth, and for the first time since Alex has known her, no sound comes out. The woman just stares at Kara, the colour drained from her face, and Alex realises that however casually this version of Kara just said those words, to Cat, they mean far more, and they’ve been said in these circumstances, and for Alex, that feels worse than anything Kara said to her. 

 

‘Cat’, she says, a gasp against the pain rolling through her, ‘you need to run’. She looks up at Kara, trying to breathe through the pain. ‘Your argument is clearly with me, Kara. Not Cat’. 

 

‘I shouldn’t be surprised, really’, Kara moves suddenly, picking up Cat and placing her further away, back before Alex is really aware of the movement, ‘that you had to rely on other people for your plan to work’. Kara tilts her head, her lips curved in a mocking smile. ‘What? You think I didn’t know about this? About your brilliant plan? Do you honestly think that you can defeat me with a couple of tranquilliser guns?'

 

Alex thinks that her shoulder is dislocated, not broken, but it feels just as bad, and maybe its because her injuries still pull and burn, that she’s not back in the field yet, and the sharp pain leaves her breathless. She scrambles backwards as Kara moves slowly towards her, until her back hits the car, holding her arm close to her body. Kara's eyes are glowing in the dim light, that awful smile twisting her mouth. ‘So now you’re my enemy, Alex? Now you what, want me gone because I’m too dangerous? Its so typical that you want that now that I’ve finally come in to who I am. You can’t stand it’.

 

Alex stretches out her other hand in an attempt to placate her, ignoring the logical voice telling her that it is no use, that even if Kara is aware of what is happening, she can’t stop it. ‘Kara’, she says, a gasp against the pain, because the look in Kara’s eyes is dangerous, predatory, and a sudden fear lances up in her throat. ‘Please, you have to stop. You have to let us help you’. 

 

‘I don’t want your help!’ Kara’s eyes glow, and her heat vision scorches the ground next to her legs. 

 

Alex flinches back, trying to curl her body away from Kara, and she hates that she’s retreating from her sister. ‘Kara…’ that fear is worse, real and choking, as this woman who is her sister, and yet isn’t any longer, moves closer and closer, the skin around her eyes glowing. ‘Kara, you don’t… you don’t want to kill me’.

 

Kara smiles, and Alex looks into her eyes, and sees a total stranger. ‘I can do whatever I want’. 

 

Her eyes glow again, and everything that is Alex, her whole existence, narrows to a point, to those two white hot coals, and she wonders if this is how she’s going to die, at the hands of the person she loves more than anybody in the world. 

 

And then Astra lands in front of her with enough force to crack the pavement, and there is a blur of white, tinged sharp and red at the edges. Astra shouts, ‘Hank!’ 

 

Hank is there in a second, crouching by her side, and Alex flings her arm over his shoulders and lets him pull her up, ‘I’ve got you, Alex. There’s a unit on its way’, he says, but Alex isn’t listening, she’s watching two of the people she loves fight each other across the sky, and she can hear Astra shouting kryptonian at Kara, and Kara is screaming back at her, and Alex can see their last resort looming out of the dark. 

 

‘Cat!’ She turns her head, searching wildly for Cat, because she doesn’t know where Kara put her, and she thinks that maybe they were wrong, maybe they should’ve brought more people, because even if Kara would have heard them all coming, they would’ve had more people, and it wouldn’t be down to Astra to stop her niece. 

 

Cat appears by her side suddenly, and she looks just as worried as Alex feels. ‘Are you okay?’ she asks, her voice tight with concern. 

 

‘I’ll be fine’, she says, and she’s not sure if she believes it, because she won’t be if Kara isn’t, she won’t be if this doesn’t work, and even if it does, she doesn’t know if she’ll ever forget the way Kara looked at her. 

 

‘I should help’. Hank is watching the fight with his mouth set in a hard line, and his eyes are red. 

 

‘No, Hank, we’re too close to the DEO and if that containment unit gets here when you’re -’

 

Astra and Kara slam to the ground with such force that Alex feels the vibration in her legs, and she stumbles against Hank, grabbing onto Cat’s shirt even though it jostles her injured arm. When the dust clears, Astra has her arms locked around Kara from behind, an arm pinning Kara’s to her sides, another around her throat, and Kara is snarling and spitting words in kryptonian. 

 

‘Back up’, she says, trying to pull at Hank’s shoulder, because she’s thinking of after, where they’ve succeeded, because they still need Hank where he is, ‘we need to back up’. They do, backing away from the car, giving the two women space, and its a good thing considering what happens next.

 

Astra reaches down and tears off the addition to Kara’s suit, the one that makes it impervious to kryptonite, and Kara rips out of Astra’s grip, grabs her arm, and flings her into the car. She soars through the air after her and punches her in the face, a blow that sends Astra to her knees, another that knocks her back into the car, and then she grabs Astra’s shoulders and flings her across the plane, sending the car spiralling after her with one kick.  

 

Kara spins to face them, and she’s breathing heavily and her eyes are wild. The problem with their plan, Alex knew from the start, was that none of them really wanted to hurt Kara, and it seems that Astra is waiting for the last moment. 

 

‘You people’, she snarls, stalking towards them slowly, ‘ _always_ have to ruin my fun’. 

 

Cat reaches out her hands, like she can reach past the infection in Kara’s blood, the alteration in her brain, like she can hold the woman she loves in her hands and mend her. ‘Kara -’ 

 

Kara’s eyes glow again, and her whole face seems to turn red. Beside her, Hank shifts, and Alex can feel him changing to his true shape, but she doesn’t think that he’s going to do it on time. 

 

And then Kara goes rigid, the red drains from her face, and her eyes return to normal, and she drops like a puppet whose strings have been cut, 

 

Astra catches Kara in her arms and holds her close to her body, cradling her like a child, cupping the back of her head and there are tears tracking down her face, but she holds the knife there, stuck in Kara’s back, and there is a trickle of blood leaking from the edge of the wound. Alex can see Astra’s lips moving, but she can’t hear what is being said, and there are beads of red sweat on Kara’s skin, and Alex thinks,  _its working its working its working_ , but she looks at Astra’s face and the increasingly desperate look in her eyes, and she has a terrible fear that its not working fast enough. 

 

Hank’s hand is on her back and Alex is clutching Cat’s forearm, her injured arm pressed against the woman, in an attempt to hold her back, and she can’t move, she can barely breathe, and the fear in her veins is suffocating and numbing and she can’t do anything, she can’t move. 

 

And then Kara, who’d lain rigid in Astra’s arms, reaches up and touches her aunt’s face, and for one second, Alex thinks that everything is going to be fine. 

 

And then Kara goes limp, and Astra’s expression cracks open, and Cat makes an awful, broken sound, and Alex wonders if this is how Kara and Astra felt when she died on the operating table. 

 

Cat pulls away from Alex’s grip and starts to move forward and there is a clatter as Astra drops the knife to the pavement. She grabs Kara’s chin, and her voice is loud and firm and uncompromising, ‘I will  _not_   _lose_  you again, little one’, she says, like a vow to herself, to them, to Kara.

 

She stands, holding Kara as if she’s the most precious thing in the world, and she is, to Astra, to them, and Alex watches as steel straightens her spine, watches her push away any fear and despair, a hard mask slipping over her expression, and she stands there with Kara limp and maybe dying in her arms. She bends her knees, and before any of them can get closer, before they can say anything, she leaps up into the sky and she’s gone, just like that, leaving a streak of gold burned behind Alex’s eyes. 

 

‘Where is she going?’ Cat’s voice sounds like a gasp, like a sob, and even though the woman stands there with a rigid posture and a tightly composed expression, there are tears rollin freely down her face. 

 

‘The sun’, Hank says, craning his neck back as if he can watch Astra’s ascent into the star studded heavens. He’s returned to his human form, but his familiar face is not reassuring right now. 

 

Of course, Alex thinks, and the hope that flares in her heart is a terrible, terrible thing. They’d mistimed this, it hadn’t meant to happen until the sun was out, it wasn’t meant to happen in the dead of night, because she’d known that Kara would need to heal if they resorted to this part of the plan, but Kara preempted the whole thing, and things have gone so, so wrong. 

 

‘Will she make?’ Cat hugs her arms to her body, and if Alex could move, if her legs weren’t frozen, she would reach out and try to comfort her, but she can’t. 

 

‘She was alive when they took off’, Hank’s hand is pressed to her shoulder again, but she can’t feel it, she can’t feel anything. ‘Astra’s fast. She’ll get there in time’. 

 

Alex isn’t sure who he’s trying to reassure. 

 

Alex’s face is wet, and she’s not sure what she’s crying for yet, because she has to hold on to hope, she has to, she can’t let herself doubt, she can’t consider that they just killed her sister, that Kara is gone, because it isn’t an option, she can’t consider it, she can’t,  _she can’t_. 

 

Kara has to live. She  _has_ to. If she doesn’t, if she dies in Astra’s arms because of a plan that Alex thought of, Alex thinks that it might kill her, too. It might kill all of them. 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

Astra returns to the DEO with Kara in her arms, unconscious and pale, but blessedly alive. 

 

There is a haunted look in Astra’s eyes that wasn’t there before, a look that Alex hasn’t seen in a long time, and it is almost as awful as the choked noise that Cat makes when Astra tells them it worked. 

 

Alex checks that Kara’s signs, and its only once she’s finished that she turns to Cat. The woman looks shaken and drawn, but somehow her composure is still there. Alex wonders if Kara is the only person who has ever seen that composure broken. She has no wish to see it herself. ‘Are you alright, Cat?’ she asks, soft and caring, because this woman has become more than just a member of her strange family. She’s become something like a friend, and it is as unexpected as it is welcome. 

 

Cat takes a deep, shuddering breath, and says softly, ‘that was certainly not how I imagined Kara’s confession’. 

 

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that. She thinks of how Kara was the one to tell her that Astra loved her, and how she’s known for a long, long time how her sister really feels about Cat. ‘This might not help, but… she meant it. She does. Love you, I mean’. 

 

Cat smiles softly, and despite how drained she looks, it is genuine. ‘Oh, I know, Alex. I’ve simply been wondering how long it will take her to say it’. 

 

Alex sighs heavily. She’s always been reminded by how different she and Kara are, but it seems that when it comes to this, they are the same. Maybe it is because of how precious their relationships are to them, and how close they’ve all become, how interconnected. Maybe its because of times like this, because the fear of losing, of watching their loves die, is one that comes perilously close to being real, sometimes. 

 

Cat leaves briefly, to check on how the city is handling Kara’s out of character episode, perhaps because she needs something to do. 

 

She is not there when Kara wakes up, and however awful Astra’s expression was, however terrible it was to hear the sound Cat made, none of it is as heartbreaking as the way Kara’s voice cracks when she says, ‘did I kill anyone?’

 

Alex does her best to reassure Kara, does her best to convince her that they’re all fine, that there was no lasting damage, but she’s never been able to focus well, to hold her back her own emotions, when Kara starts to cry, and she does cry, her hand pressed to her face as if there is some shame in her tears. Alex grips her hand, and her own voice wavers when she says, ‘what you said, Kara -’ 

 

‘I didn’t mean it, Alex’, and Alex  _hates_ that Kara feels like she has to apologise, because really, she is the victim here, a victim of Lord’s continued vendetta, even in death. ‘I didn’t mean any of it, I -’ 

 

‘I know, Kara. I know’. She swallows, and squeezes Kara’s hand as tightly as she can. ‘If you need my forgiveness for what you said, then you have it. Your my sister, Kara. I love you. And I will never blame you for things you cannot control’. 

 

She doesn’t tell Kara that some of the things she said, the ones that hurt most, had a sliver of truth to them. She doesn’t, because she knows, looking down at Kara’s face, that it won’t help. Kara swallows, and says, ‘does… is Astra here?’

 

Alex nods slowly. ‘I’m not sure exactly where she’s gone. But she’s around’. 

 

The guilt swirling in Kara’s eyes only grows, and Alex can’t do anything to assuage it herself, because however strongly she knew that Kara’s words were only spiteful, that half of them weren’t true, (because she accused Alex of feeling worthless when she excelled, and that is wrong, so wrong, because Alex has only ever been proud), she knows that some of the things Kara to Astra said had an ring of truth to them. Not about Astra not deserving redemption, no, that was all spite and anger, there was no truth there, but there was a time, when Astra was still their enemy, when Kara had said softly,  _I love her. I’ve always loved her and she just won’t listen to me. And sometimes I wish that…_ and she’d trailed off, but Alex had heard the unsaid words. She knew that Kara was thinking of her mother, because it would’ve been so much easier, in the beginning, if it was Alura. And there was a time, just after Kara found out that Astra was alive, just after she realised that they were on opposite sides of a war she didn’t really understand, when Kara had wondered why her aunt hadn’t tried to look for her. 

 

She knows for a fact that none of those things matter to Kara now. She knows that if given the opportunity, if someone came to Kara with a way to exchange Astra for Alura, she wouldn’t take it. However much Kara longs for her home sometimes, however much she misses her mother, Alex thinks that there is a part of her that is at peace with what she lost. It took time, it took years, but she thinks that with Cat and Astra in Kara’s life, her sister is healing. 

 

Losing Astra would devastate Kara as much as losing her home world did. Perhaps more, after all the things they have gone through, after redemption and love. Losing Astra would be like losing a piece of herself. 

 

But Astra doesn’t know that. Astra, who still feels guilty about missing out on so much of Kara’s life, who still blames herself for things that were beyond her control, heard all those accusations, and didn’t realise that it was a twisted version of things that Kara had thought long, long ago. 

 

And it is clear, looking down at Kara’s tear streaked face, that her sister has realised that. Kara takes a deep breath. ‘Can you find her? And Cat, if she’s still here?’

 

‘I’m right here, Kara’. 

 

Cat steps into the room, leaning over the table so that Kara can see her, and fresh tears spill from Kara’s eyes. Alex leaves the room quietly, to give them space, and when she glances over her shoulder, she’s just in time to see Cat lean down and kiss Kara soundly, silencing the apology was undoubtedly on her tongue. 

 

She goes in search of Astra, because she needs the comfort of the woman’s familiar presence right now, and its likely that Astra needs the same thing. 

 

She finds Astra in the locker room, sitting on one of the benches with her elbows on her knees, chin propped in her hands, staring off into space. She barely seems to register Alex’s presence, even when she sits down beside her. There is a muscle jumping in her jaw, a film of tears in the woman’s eyes, but her back is rigid, and Alex feels like she can see a storm brewing inside the woman, a storm that is churning and boiling, but hasn’t broken. 

 

She reaches out slowly, and places her hand on the woman’s knee. ‘Hey’, she says, wishing that she had the use of both her hands, wishing that she could give Astra the physical comfort she obviously needs. ‘Its okay, Astra. It worked. She’s going to be fine’. 

 

‘I know’. Astra sighs heavily, breaking out of her stillness, dropping her hand to rest over Alex’s. ‘But…’ that mask cracks, and Alex feels her heart tighten, feels her throat burn. Astra takes a deep breath, and looks at her finally, down at her injured arm. ‘Are you alright, Alex?’ she asks, and her voice softens, the steel slowly draining from her. 

 

‘I’m fine’, she says, but she doesn’t even sound like she’s trying to convince herself. Astra raises an eyebrow, and Alex gives in. She sighs. ‘We’ve all… we’ve all been shaken by this, Astra. But we’ll get through it’. 

 

Astra frowns. ‘Did you believe what she said to you?’

 

‘I…’ Alex swallows. She knows that a lot of what Kara said wasn’t true, but there were some slivers of truth there, splinters that have wormed past her rationality to the places reserved for self doubt and shame, and it is hard to ignore them now, with the woman who knows every weakness and insecurity she has. Astra seems to sense what she can’t put into words, because she shifts, swinging her leg over the bench and reaching up to cup the back of her head. She moves in close to Alex’s side, and presses their foreheads together. 

 

Alex sighs, wrapping her uninjured arm around Astra’s waist, and closing her eyes. Since that day in the hospital, when she woke up and discovered how shaken Astra had been, this gesture has become more common. It started as a way to ground Astra, to let her focus on one thing instead of the thousand and thousands of sensations that she is exposed to every day, without the woman letting her hands roam all over Alex, because that inevitably leads to other things. But Alex has found comfort in it, too. It is a way to pause, and catch her breath, like a tiny pocket of peace and comfort that belongs solely to them. The gesture is tender and familiar and reassuring, and Alex takes a series of deep, steadying breaths as Astra lifts her other hand to trace along her jawline, cupping her cheek, as if to shield her from everything but this circle between them. 

 

When Alex feels calmer, she lifts her hand from Astra’s waist and combs it through Astra’s hair, seeking to return the comfort. Astra sighs softly and presses closer to her, and Alex is glad of the fact that despite everything that has just happened, despite the fact that Astra was clearing trying to close off from everything, she’s still open to this. ‘Astra, what Kara said to you… she didn’t mean it’. 

 

She hears Astra swallow, hears the waver to her voice, ‘I would not have blamed her if she did’. 

 

‘She didn’t’. 

 

Astra is silent again. Alex shifts as close to the woman as she can, and pulls back so that she can look at her. Astra’s eyes are full of tears, but somehow, Alex doesn’t think that the woman is going to let herself cry. Not here, where they could be discovered at any moment. This moment of privacy is just that - a moment, and it could be broken very easily. ‘Kara wants to talk to you, Astra’. 

 

Astra closes her eyes tightly, and a tear spills over from each eye, tracking down that smooth, tightly held mask. She takes a deep breath, and says, ‘I did the one thing I swore I would never do’. 

 

‘I know, Astra. I know’. And she does, because even if Astra was the one to physically hurt Kara, Alex came up with the plan. 

 

She kisses the woman’s tears away, and pulls her in for a hug. Astra wraps her arms tightly around her, gentle but firm, and presses her face against her shoulder. Alex runs her hand slowly up and down Astra’s spine, and says quietly, ‘whatever you think, you must know that Kara loves you. All those things she said… she didn’t mean any of it’. 

 

She holds Astra as tightly as she can, and even though she can’t see Astra’s face, she knows that the woman does not believe her. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst! pain! suffering! aka every episode of the shows I'm currently into @ tv writers why
> 
> Don't worry, there is actually a purpose to where I'm going with these painful events I'm not just trying to torture these characters. I'm building up to a moment with Astra, and all of this is necessary for what I'm trying to achieve. 
> 
> So I know I said that this was going to be the last chapter but like, I watched the episode with the red kryptonite and oh boy oh boy sudden inspiration. Because while I LOVED that episode, and while in canon I would not change a thing, imagine if Astra had been around during that time? so many possibilities and I just wanted to explore it in my version of events. 
> 
> Obviously, without Lord, things couldn't have happened in the same way. So I went with this, because I'm like 90% sure something similar happened to Clark on Smallville. And the whole 'fly close to the sun to cure her thing' actually came about because I was thinking about how they could revive Astra and like... isn't her pod out there in the universe somewhere? I sense potential.
> 
> Anyway, one more chapter to go (unless plans change which, as we've seen, they could) :) as always, suggestions welcome!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone got a double notification, I'm really sorry I don't know what happened but the chapter just kind of deleted. Thanks to xreyskywalkersolo for telling me. Hopefully this fixes it!

 

Three days after Kara was cured, she is already on her feet and ready to repair the damage she’s done, ready to make it up to the people of her city, and Alex knows its useless to tell her to slow down.

While Alex is still confined to the DEO itself, (because really, she shouldn’t have been involved in the operation to cure Kara, and now she has another injury on top of the three she’s still recovering from, and that makes Kara’s guilt worse), Kara is already out in the field. 

 

She’s already worrying, and Alex doesn’t need that on top of her own concern. They haven’t seen Astra in two days. 

 

‘It’s not like she’s gone missing, Kara. She’s out on an assignment’. 

 

Kara paces, a container of ice cream gripped in her hands. ‘You are aware of who she’s gone after, right?’

 

Alex reaches out. ‘Can you please give me that? I feel like you’re taunting me’. 

 

Kara flings herself onto the couch beside her, and hands her a spoon. Alex takes a generous scoop, ignoring the way Kara is staring at her. ‘She went after the last Lieutenant who fled the confrontation with Non and his goons’.

 

Kara shakes her head. ‘No but’, she runs a hand through her hair, ‘I went back over those profiles she gave us, when all this started, and… this guy she’s gone after? His name is Lieutenant Mur, and according to the intel Astra gave us, he was one of Non’s strongest supporters. One of the ones who helped him in his coup, when he tried to kill her’. 

 

Alex blinks, pausing with the spoon in her mouth. The inside of her cheek starts to go numb, and she releases it quickly. ‘That… that doesn’t make any sense’, she says, trying to ignore the worry that comes rushing up from where she’d tried to contain it, ‘she said that she was sure she’d be able to bring him in without much argument’. 

 

‘Yeah, exactly. And how could she think that’s possible?’ Kara shakes her head again, biting her lip in an obvious outward display of concern. 

 

Alex frowns. ‘If you think that she lied, what exactly do you think she’s doing?’

 

Kara swallows, and guilt glitters like unshed tears in her eyes. ‘I… you know that we didn’t really get time to resolve what happened - what I said to her’. 

 

Alex’s frown deepens. ‘She knows that you didn’t -’ 

 

‘But does she?’ Kara shoves her spoon into the ice cream container and brings it out with a mountain atop it, stubbornly avoiding Alex’s eyes. 

 

Alex sighs, and turns to look over her shoulder, out her window into the night sky, as if the fact that she’s thinking abut Astra will make her appear. ‘You think that she’s punishing herself, don’t you?’

 

Kara’s silence tells her what she needs to know. Alex closes her eyes, and leans her head back against the couch for a moment. She doesn’t tell Kara that the thought crossed her mind the moment Astra had told them about the Lieutenant’s sighting, and that she was going to accept the responsibility to bring him in. It had crossed her mind, because Astra wasn’t necessarily needed for the mission, and it hadn’t been a full twenty four hours after she stabbed her niece and flew her into the sun. 

 

She hasn’t heard anything from Astra, or Lucy, who went along as the woman’s handler, and it does concern her. It concerns her because she'd thought that Astra's insecurities, her regrets and ghosts, had faded. That with Kara's help, she'd been able to work through them. 

 

Maybe they'd always been there. She feels awful for having not considered the possibility in the months of near bliss preceding the incident with Lord, and she's worried that they won't be able to help her. Maybe the woman needs to work it out herself, but the thought of her out there somewhere with her doubts and self depreciation festering inside her like an infection makes Alex feel almost sick. The thought that those horrible feelings could distract her on a potentially very dangerous mission makes it difficult to breathe. 

 

‘What do you think is going on?’

 

Alex sighs, keeping her eyes closed. She knows why Kara is bringing it up now. Tonight is usually their ‘cultural’ night, as Astra dubbed it originally. A night where they take the opportunity to catch Astra up on the references that she doesn’t understand. Its become something of a tradition. Sometimes, Cat joins them, but most of the time its just the three of them, and Astra hasn’t missed a single one. ‘I think that Astra… she has a lot of unresolved guilt. You know that. She thinks that she could have done more to save Krypton. It… I think what happened with the red kryptonite just…’ 

 

‘I know. I made it worse’.

 

‘No, Kara, thats not what I’m saying. I’m saying that… you asked me why Astra would take an assignment so soon after what happened, and I think…’ She remembers the rigid mask Astra wore in the locker room, before she let her defences fall. She remembers how even afterwards, there had been a reserved look in Astra’s eyes, as if she was trying to avoid processing what had happened. ‘I think she’s trying to avoid thinking about what happened. To avoid confronting it’. 

 

Kara frowns, and Alex notices that her sister has already eaten half the ice cream in the tub. She snatches it from her as Kara says, ‘Astra’s never been the type to avoid confrontations’. 

 

Alex nods. ‘I know. But Astra thinks that she has to be strong, all the time’. 

 

Kara’s frown deepens, harsh lines that Alex wants to smooth from her brow. ‘Thats a lot like you, you know’. She sighs heavily, and slumps against Alex. ‘But I think you’re right’. 

 

There is no need to specifically say what they’ve both come to understand. That if Astra lets herself feel what happened, on top of all the guilt that Kara’s words reawakened, the woman might break down. Alex understands wanting to avoid that, wanting to put it off, but she also knows that sometimes that is the only way of moving forward. 

 

Alex flings an arm around Kara’s shoulders, and reluctantly lets her have access to the ice cream again. ‘She’ll come back, Kara. When she does, we’ll deal with what happened. It’ll be okay’. 

 

Kara’s chuckle is wry and humourless, and when she speaks, she sounds far too cynical. Far too much like her. ‘How many times have you told yourself that recently?’

 

Alex sighs heavily, and tightens her embrace. ‘Too many’, she says, lightly, in an attempt to lift the weight from the room. 

 

She doesn’t tell Kara that she has no choice. She has to believe it.  

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

There have been days when Alex has deeply regretted setting up the hologram of Alura. Days when Kara looks at the flicking image of her mother and there are tears in her eyes and a waver in her voice, and Alex thinks that maybe she’s doing more harm than good, despite Kara’s initial thanks. 

 

The day when Kara stormed out of Astra’s cell, straight to the projection and screamed like her throat was burning and sobbed like she was going to break was one of them. 

 

The day Astra returns to find her and Kara accessing the hologram’s knowledge is another. 

 

It is a week after the incident with the red kryptonite, and it is because of what happened that they are there at all. They are not asking about Astra, but about kryptonite. They need to know whether there are any other versions out there, at least, any naturally occurring ones. They’re mainly there because they need a way to distract themselves from the fact that they still haven’t heard from Astra, or from Lucy, and it is long enough that Alex is finding it increasingly difficult to ignore how worried she is. 

 

It has been some time since they've had the need to use the AI. Since Astra has a vast knowledge of her world, and so many others, they've simply asked her. 

 

It is there that Astra finds them when she returns.

 

Kara stops half way through her question about kryptonite and its various effects, and turns quickly. The relief in her expression is enough to tell Alex who is there before she’s even turned around. 

 

The first thing Alex notices is that Astra is wet. Her hair, pushed back off her face, is soaked, and her suit seems to cling impossibly tighter to her body. There is a small puddle gathering around her feet. It's bizarre, and Alex thinks that she would laugh, from relief, from surprise, but then she sees Astra's expression, any humour drains from her. 

 

The woman is staring over her shoulder at the image of Alura, and she looks pale in the dim, artificial light. Her entire body is rigid, and her hands are curling and uncurling slowly by her sides. She looks haunted, and for a moment, terribly confused, as if she's not sure that the image before her is real, or a manifestation of the ghosts she carries around behind her eyes.  

 

'Aunt Astra?' Kara crosses the space towards her and flings herself at the woman, wrapping her arms tightly around her shoulders. Whether Kara knew what she was doing or not, it seems to shake Astra from her daze. Her hands come up to press against Kara's shoulder blades, her fingers wound tight in her cape, and but she doesn't take her eyes from Alura. Alex wonders if she should turn the program off. 

 

Kara pulls back, but she keeps her hands on Astra, filtering from her shoulders down to her hands, to her waist and her back, and Alex wonders if her sister is searching for exposed skin, for that physical reassurance. 'Aunt Astra, why are you wet?' 

 

It is clearly not the first question Kara wants to ask, but maybe she's just trying to get Astra to look at her, because the woman is still staring at Alura, as if transfixed. When she responds, her eyes do not stray from the flickering image, ‘my hunt took me to… unexpected places, and it took me longer than I anticipated’. 

 

Alex steps forward, and Astra tears her gaze from Alura again to look at her. Her expression softens considerably, and Alex moves forward to embrace the woman. The water seems to soak through her clothes, but she doesn’t really care. It is enough to hold the woman, even just for a brief second. She would really like to kiss her, to distract her from the way she’s staring at the hologram, but Kara is right there. ‘How did it go?’ she asks when she pulls back, trying to catch Astra’s eye. 

 

A flicker of sadness passes over her expression. ‘He was not compliant, I’m afraid. Lucy has the full report, but in short… he attempted to kill me, and now, he’s dead. I failed’. 

 

Astra is looking straight at Alura’s hologram, and suddenly Alex doesn’t think that she’s just talking about the assignment anymore. 

 

  
_Oh_. 

 

Astra knew about Alura’s A.I. She knew, because Alex and Kara told her, and offered to take her to it, but a peculiar look had passed over the woman’s face, and she’d firmly declined.  

 

But knowing that something exists, and seeing it right in front of you, are very different things, and from the look on Astra’s face, Alex thinks that maybe this is the difference between maintaining a tightly held composure, and breaking completely. 

 

Astra is looking at the face, the ghost, of her twin sister, a part of the world she believes she could have done more to save. Alex remembers the last time they discussed Alura, after Cat’s comment about her hair, and how difficult that was. No wonder Astra looks like she’s torn between stepping forward, and fleeing.

 

Kara shifts slightly, so that she’s blocking Astra’s line of sight, as if she’s realised the same thing. ‘We were worried, Astra’. 

 

Astra runs her hand through Kara’s hair, pushing it off her face, her fingers flittering at her jaw, then down to her hand, and Kara’s jittery energy seems to calm. The smile that pulls at her mouth seems small and forced, ‘it was nothing I couldn’t handle, Little One’. 

 

Kara sighs, wrapping her arms tightly around Astra again, and Alex wonders if Kara is deliberately deciding not to talk about what she knows her sister is thinking about. ‘I still can’t believe that Hank gave you a mission… when he did’. 

 

  
_Yep_ , Alex thinks _, deliberate avoidance._  


 

Astra sighs, hugging Kara back with the same restrained desperation. ‘I asked for it, Little One. Mur was my responsibility. I didn’t want any of these people to die confronting him’. 

 

Alex wants to take Astra’s hand, but despite the way she’s hugging Kara, there is a sense of restraint in Astra’s manner, as there almost always is when they’re in a professional environment. 

 

‘I’m glad your back’, Kara says, holding Astra tightly. 

 

Astra’s smile is a flicker, and she draws away slowly. She presses a kiss to Kara’s forehead. ‘Its good to be back’. She glances down at herself, as if suddenly becoming aware of the mess she is leaving. ‘However, this reunion will have to wait. I must change’.

 

She reaches out, touches Alex’s shoulder, and then turns and walks away. Alex follows her to the door to turn off the program, and when she turns back, Kara looks miserable. She shakes her head. ‘She still doesn’t believe that I didn’t mean any of it, does she?’

 

Alex sighs, reaching down to take Kara's hand. 'It's not your fault, Kara. I think it's been building for a long time. She's got a lot of unresolved baggage about your Mom, and Krypton'. She gestures to the place where Alura's image had been. 'This was just... too much, I think'.

 

'I should have known it wouldn't help'.

 

'You couldn't have, Kara. I thought it would help you, but sometimes I think it's too painful. And you couldn’t have predicted that she’d come back right now’. 

. 

Kara sighs. 'I... I've been where she is now, Alex. There's only so long you can contain everything before the dam breaks. Just... when it does, call me? I can help'.

 

She knows what Kara means. She means that she suffered through that break alone, and she doesn't want the same to happen to her aunt. Oh, Alex may have been there, but she can't relate. She couldn't do more than hold her sister and try and comfort her. She nods, and squeezes Kara's hand. 'Of course’.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

As it turns out, when the storm brewing inside Astra does break, late one night, several days after her return, there is no need for Alex to call Kara, because Kara is there. 

 

They’d done their ‘cultural’ night, and afterwards, they’d fallen asleep draped across the couches, and it had felt natural and normal, like there was nothing wrong. Astra and Kara had taken one couch, and Alex had fought against the exhaustion weighing her down so that she could watch them for a moment. Kara had fallen asleep sprawled across her aunt, her face pressed against Astra’s stomach, and Astra had combed her fingers through her niece’s hair as her eyes drifted closed. The obvious need for the two Kryptonians to sleep as close as possible had led to Alex taking the other couch with no complaints. She’d been tempted to get up and go to bed, but she was warm and tired and so she'd fallen asleep there, feeling content knowing that Astra was back and safe, and that they’d deal with the hollow look in her eyes another day.

 

Since the incident at Lord Technologies, Alex has become a light sleeper. It’s due to to repeated nights waking up because she’s rolled over and the muscles around her wounds have spasmed. 

 

So when Astra wakes with a choked, shuddering inhale, jerking upright in the dark with such violence that she pitches Kara off her and onto the floor, Alex is only several seconds behind her. 

 

Astra sounds like she's finding it difficult to breathe. Her breaths are sharp and ragged, her chest heaving with the effort, like she's escaped from drowning, and maybe she was, maybe she is, maybe that's what it feels like to break apart and lose control on a build up of tightly reigned emotions, because Alex takes one look at her, and even in her disorientated, half conscious state, she recognises that that is what is happening. 

 

Kara scrambles up from the floor, hair wild, and she scrabbles at the couch for a moment as if she’s trying to get her bearings. Then she pulls herself onto the couch and grabs Astra’s hands. She looks frightened, as if she doesn’t know what to do, and she reaches out to touch the woman’s face, her eyes wide and panicked, ‘Aunt Astra?’ 

 

‘I… apologise, Little One’, Astra breathes, smoothing her hand through Kara’s hair, pushing it back off her face, a tired smile pulling at her mouth, but it does nothing to disguise how her hand is shaking, how here in the dark, with Kara’s hands filtering over her, checking that she is physically okay, there is no steel, no mask. Astra’s defences have fallen, and it appears that she is having trouble putting them back up. 

 

Alex stands, crosses to the other couch, and slips into the space behind Astra. She frames the woman’s hips with her knees and wraps her arms around her, slipping her hands under her shirt to rest against her stomach. Astra sighs shakily, and leans back against her, and Kara watches with a faint crease furrowing her brows. 

 

Its probably the practised ease in their movements, the indications that this has happened before, and frequently, that gives Kara pause. Alex wonders if Astra has ever told her about the nightmares she has, about Fort Rozz and Krypton, about the day Alex’s heart stopped, about Kara perishing on a world they left behind. Nothing terrifies Astra more than the thought of losing this family she’s found, and Alex isn’t really surprised that she’s had another episode. 

 

They are not frequent, anymore, and she hasn't had them in a while, but these things they go through that bring Astra’s worst fears very close to reality often trigger them. It happened after Alex was shot, and she probably should have predicted that it would happen now, after what Astra was forced to do. 

 

She presses a brief kiss to Astra’s neck, and then props her chin on her shoulder. ‘Same dream?’ 

 

Kara’s frown deepens, and she fills Astra’s silence with a question. ‘This happens often?’

 

‘No, Little One. Not often’. Astra takes deep breaths, pressing a hand over Alex’s, and another Kara’s knee. ‘I will be… alright’. She tilts her head slightly, resting it against Alex’s. ‘My fearful dreams are just that. Dreams’. 

 

They are memories, too, Alex knows, but she can tell that Astra is trying to reassure Kara, trying to downplay whatever she saw. By the way Kara’s frown deepens, it is clear that she is not convinced. She searches Astra’s face for a moment, and a glimmer of understanding shines in her eyes. ‘This is because of what I said, isn’t it?’

 

‘No, Kara, I-’ Astra reaches up to touch her niece’s face again, but her hand is still shaking. ‘My… my problems are my own. Do not burden yourself’.

 

Kara takes Astra’s hand in her own, and squeezes. ‘Astra, we are here for you. You don’t have to hide. You can tell us what’s wrong’. Her mouth twists, and she sounds choked when she says, ‘I know that what I said hurt you. And I am  _so_ sorry about it. About all of it. But if you think that I meant any of that… you need to tell me’. 

 

‘I would not blame you, Kara, if you’d meant every word’. 

 

Kara bows her head for a moment, as if she needs to gather herself. Astra raises her hand and runs it through Kara’s hair again. Alex wishes that there was something more that she could do, for these two people that she loves more than anything in the world. Kara lifts her head, raising her hand to intertwine her fingers with Astra’s, and says, ‘I’m going to be completely honest with you right now, Aunt Astra, and thats a promise’. Kara takes a deep breath, and plunges on, and Alex thinks that maybe this is exactly what Astra needs. A discussion about what was said, an explanation as to why that version of Kara chose those specific words, rather than blind reassurance that she does not believe.

 

‘When you first appeared, and declared that unless I joined your cause, we would stay on opposite sides of a war, I… I will admit, I thought that things would be easier if things were different. And that wasn’t because I didn’t love you, but the thought of fighting, the thought of one day being forced to do something I… I would never want to do, that made me wish that things were different. But…’ Kara touches Astra’s face, her hands, her shoulders, as if seeking to give the physical comfort that they both crave. ‘It wasn’t that I wanted you to be Alura. It was that I wanted you to switch sides. I wanted to be able to love you without the fact that we were on opposite sides of a war coming between us’. She sighs. ‘I never wanted you to be someone else. I just wanted things between us to be different’. 

 

Astra laughs, but the sound chokes in her throat. ‘I wanted that too, Little One’.

 

‘I know, Astra, I know’. Kara licks her lips, searching Astra’s face. ‘But I love you, okay? And all that stuff I said, about you not deserving a second chance? Astra, I…’ Kara chokes, and she takes a shuddering breath, ‘I never meant that. I don’t even know why I said that, because you do. By Rao, you  _do’._  


Astra sighs heavily. ‘Perhaps you said it because it is true, Little One’. 

 

Alex tenses, and closes her eyes. She can’t look at the expression on Kara’s face in that moment, because she doesn’t know if this is the first time Kara is realising how deep Astra’s guilt about Krypton goes. How any thought about losing Krypton is tied to a feeling of self loathing and failure. They haven’t talked about it, really, because Astra sees it as a weakness, and Alex hasn’t brought it up because she’s always thought anything from her would sound meaningless. She shift as close as she can get to the woman, and presses her lips against her shoulder, to her neck, kisses that are an attempt to reassure her. She doesn’t really care about the blatant display of affection in front of Kara, and she doesn’t think that Kara will, either. ‘Was that what the nightmare was about?'

 

Astra takes a shuddering breath and says, ‘I just… I just keep wondering if Krypton would have been saved if I’d done things differently. If I’d been more like your mother, like you, whether… whether people would have been convinced’. 

 

Kara’s mouth twists, and tears well up in her eyes. Her hands grip Astra’s tightly.  ‘Listen to me, Astra’, Kara takes a deep breath, blinking back the tears in her eyes, ‘you did not fail Krypton, okay?’

 

‘Kara -’ 

 

‘No, listen. You did  _not_ fail our planet, Astra. Krypton was dying long before you started your cause’. She reaches forwards and cups her aunt’s face in her hands, staring into her eyes earnestly. ‘Our people over-mined our core, you know that. They started the chain reaction that destroyed the planet years, maybe decades, before you tried to change things. Even if you had gotten Myriad to work, all those people working to save our world would have done nothing’. The tears in Kara’s eyes are spilling over, and Alex can feel Astra trembling in her arms. ‘It was too late. And I think you know that’. Kara takes a deep breath, like she’s about to deliver a fatal blow. ‘You need to stop blaming yourself for something you couldn’t have stopped’.

 

A shudder runs from Astra’s body and through Alex’s arms. She presses her lips against the woman’s shoulder again, and murmurs, ‘its okay, Astra, its okay’. 

 

Astra’s inhale is a shuddering gasp. ‘I… I don’t know how’.

 

Kara shifts closer, and presses her forehead against her aunts. ‘I know its hard, Astra. I know… how hard it is to let go of something you’ve been carrying around for years. But you need to forgive yourself, Astra, because Krypton was doomed… probably long before you were born. You need to let go of your guilt’. 

 

‘How?’ Astra asks, and there is the beginning of a sob in her voice.

 

Kara pulls back, and meets Alex’s eyes over Astra’s shoulder. Her bottom lip trembles, and Alex feels like this is the tipping point, for Astra, for Kara, for herself, because her own throat feels tight and raw, and she doesn’t think that she’ll be able to hold back her own tears for much longer. Kara looks back at her aunt, and smiles softly, gently, even as tears leak from her eyes, and says, ‘you grieve’.

 

Alex has seen people break down before, when everything that has happened to them, and all that they have suffered, has become impossible to contain any longer. 

 

The earliest she can remember was watching her mother, after Jeremiah’s disappearance, moving about the living room in the dead of night. Alex hadn’t been able to sleep, and she’d gone down to get something to eat, but her mother had been there, and so she’d sat on the stairs and watched her mother through the bars of the staircase. She remembers that Eliza had knocked a glass of water off the table, and the glass smashed into a thousand pieces, the water pooling and soaking into the carpet. And it had been such a small thing, really, but that was Eliza’s tipping point, and Alex watched her mother sink to the floor and cry with the violence of someone who believed that no one was watching. 

 

When Kara broke down, Alex did what she couldn’t do for her mother, and  held her while she cried. She hadn’t said anything, because god, what could she say to someone who had lost everything? But Kara had clung to her like she was a lifeline, and for Alex, a child who’d just lost her own father, it had felt like enough. Kara had sobbed and wailed and raged, like she wanted the whole world to hear her, like she had the cries of every person who had died on Krypton locked inside her chest. Like she was grieving for every soul who couldn’t grieve for themselves. 

 

Astra comes apart like the unravelling threads of a tapestry. It is silent, but Alex feels it. It is like watching an avalanche in the distance, and feeling the vibrations through the Earth. Alex can’t see her face, but the trembling  in her shoulders increases until her whole body is shaking, and Kara’s expression cracks. She shifts closer, wrapping her arms around her aunt like she can hold her together, and Alex thinks that maybe that is exactly what she’s doing. One of her hands presses against her back, between their bodies, and the other rests on Alex’s back. Astra bows her head to Kara’s shoulder, and a single, awful cry cracks the silence. Kara bites her lip, and there are tears falling from her eyes, too, and Alex becomes aware that her own face is wet. 

 

She tightens her grip on Astra as much as she can, until the shaking takes over her, and Astra’s hand is over her own, gripping it tight enough to bruise, to grind the bones together, and Alex presses her face against the woman’s back, between her shoulder blades, and listens to Kara’s choked krytponian words of reassurance and love.

 

Astra cries, and Alex and Kara hold her, and everything else, everything beyond this circle of arms, everything beyond phrases of kryptonian and muffled sobs and salty tears, everything else fades. 

 

Astra falls apart, and lets them catch her. 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Alex wakes up in the morning feeling like she has cotton wool clogging her sinuses, and a sense of exhaustion so severe that it seems to press her down into the bed. Her throat is dry, almost raw, and it occurs to her that its been so long since she last let herself cry like that. She’s probably severely dehydrated. She doesn’t remember when they moved to the bed, but she’s not complaining. However exhausted she might be, at least she slept comfortably. If they’d all fallen asleep like this on the couch, she would have woken up with aches and pains.

 

She cracks her eyes open, blinking away blurriness. Her face feels tight, dried tears still stuck to her skin. She is pressed against Astra from behind, her arm wrapped tightly around the woman’s waist, and she can feel another arm there, her hand caught between two bodies. She lifts her head from the pillow to look over Astra’s shoulder, and smiles. Kara is curled close against Astra’s chest, her arm wrapped around her waist so that her hand is pressed against Alex’s back. In the sunlight, her hair is a gleaming, blinding gold. Despite the events of the night before, she looks relaxed and peaceful, her mouth curved in a half smile. Perhaps it is simply the way that they are sleeping, a comfort even in sleep. 

 

Alex remembers a story Kara once told her, in the early days of Astra’s defection to their side, as if she wanted to emphasis how much it meant to her. Back on Krypton, before Astra went on the run for her activities, there were times when Astra would visit, and after hours of running around with her aunt, of playing pretend, of laughter and games, they would collapse in a corner, on beds, on somewhere soft, and Kara would curl up against her aunt and fall asleep there. The memory would always make Kara smile, and in those early days, it would make Alex incredibly glad that Astra had crashed through her window that day.

 

She becomes aware, rather suddenly, of soft sounds coming from the kitchen. It is a non-threatening sound, but Alex tenses, a flitter of panic rolling up her spine at the thought of how vulnerable they are, at the idea that someone finding them like this. 

 

She extracts her arm slowly from where it is trapped between Kara and Astra, and rolls carefully into a sitting position. She hears Kara sigh, a soft, sleepy noise, and glances over her shoulder to watch the two Kryptonians shift closer, as if to make up for her absence. 

 

She is quiet, padding slowly towards the kitchen with empty hands and bare feet. She could take her gun, she could, but it has occurred to her that she just has to make enough noise and the two women will wake quickly enough, and that whoever it is can’t have broken in, or they would have made a lot of noise, at least, to those with enhanced senses. 

 

So when she steps into the kitchen, she’s not as shocked as she probably should be to see Cat sitting on her couch, paper spread across her coffee table, glasses perched on her nose. It is a sight that would have once had her questioning her sanity, but now it just gives her a moment’s pause. 

 

She’s a little taken aback, and she’s not entirely sure what Cat is doing there, but the woman’s soft smile is welcome, like a balm on the raw emotions of the night before.

 

She  _is_ surprised when she turns her head, and sees Hank standing in her kitchen. He’s dressed casually, like he sometimes has been when they’ve all come together in Kara’s apartment in the afternoons, and he’s wearing the apron he always wears whenever he’s teaching Astra how to cook. There are ingredients laid out on the counter, but he doesn’t appear to actually be cooking. Instead, he’s leaning against the counter, and his eyes are closed. The small black cat that Astra accidentally adopted, and that Alex has become rather fond of despite herself, is perched on the counter beside him, and he is stroking its fur. It is purring. 

 

‘Errr… hi?’

 

Hank opens his eyes, and smiles. ‘Agent Danvers’.

 

She glances between Hank and Cat, waiting for an explanation. ‘How did you guys… ’ 

 

‘Your Director can fly, you know’, says Cat, without looking up from her work.

 

That was not what she intended to ask, really. She wants to know how they both knew to turn up now, after last night. Hank’s expression softens as he looks at her, perhaps understanding her bafflement. ‘Coffee?’

 

She nods slowly. She watches him move around her kitchen for a moment, before moving to join Cat on the couch. The woman doesn’t look up from her work, and Alex glances at the pages long enough to work out that she appears to be in the middle of editing articles. She sighs heavily, and leans back against the couch, content with silent company. 

 

She feels a little strange, a familiar, almost light sensation in her chest, like her heart is racing, even though her pulse is even. It happens sometimes when she’s barely had any sleep. ‘So’, she says quietly, loathe to make any more noise than necessary, to break the tranquil peace that is so different from the night before, ‘what are you two doing here?’

 

Cat makes a violent mark with her pen, and says, ‘Kara’s been telling me about how worried she’s been about Astra since she went on that assignment. She’s been waiting for an opportunity to talk about… what happened with the red kryptonite since she came back. I always assumed that when that happened, it wouldn’t be easy for anyone’. She looks at Alex over the top of her glasses, analysing look, as if she’s inspecting her for injuries. ‘When Kara didn’t show up for work, or answer her phone, I called Hank. Neither you nor Astra had come in. It wasn’t hard to make the connection’. 

 

Alex smiles slightly. ‘So you both took sick days?’

 

‘Well, a lot of people think I’m traumatised by the incident with Leslie and Siobhan’, Cat scoffs, ‘so I’ll have to do something about that when I get back, but yes, we did’. Her expression softens, concern and sympathy gleaming in her eyes. ‘We thought you might need the company’. 

 

Alex feels a little overwhelmed by this, by this show of love and support from two people who were once no better than strangers to her. It is the kind of considerate gesture that she would do for Kara, that Kara would do for her. After what happened, she feels over sensitive, like everything is close to the surface, raw and vulnerable. Her throat suddenly tightens, and she swallows with difficulty. Cat’s smile is soft and warm, and she rests her hand on Alex’s arm in a gesture of support. ‘Will Astra be alright?'

 

Alex thinks about how violently Astra shook in their arms, about how her sobs were almost silent, ragged inhales when the strain of keeping quiet became too much, but her tears had fallen until Kara’s shirt was damp, and that it was heart wrenching and awful. But she thinks about the things Kara had said, things that Alex had been thinking for a while but had never known how to word, and that maybe that was the first step to healing. Maybe it was exactly what Astra needed, an unspoken, unneeded forgiveness from the girl she’d tried to save and believed she’d failed. Maybe one day the woman will be able to shrug off her guilt and her ghosts will fade into wisps that will flit away and never return. 

 

She feels like last night was a starting point, for that, for a tomorrow where Astra won’t carry the burden of a lost world around on her shoulders. 

 

She remembers that Kara had carried a similar weight, as a child, with the responsibility to protect her cousin burned like a brand onto her skin, a responsibility that she couldn’t full fill, and that should not have been given to a young a child. She’d carried that, and the grief of losing her parents and her world and everything she had ever known,  and it had taken time for that burden to lift. There had been no guilt there, no self hatred, because Kara had nothing to blame herself for. Maybe she’d occasionally felt guilty about questioning why her mother hadn’t climbed into the pod with her, why she’d left her alone, but a lot of Kara’s anger and grief had been directed outwards, not inwards. She remembers how terrified she’d been, the day Kara broke down and truly grieved as a child, almost three years after her arrival on Earth. It had happened several months after Jeremiah’s death, and perhaps it had all come rushing up again because of this new experience with loss and grief that was far too familiar for a child. But Kara was better, after that. 

 

She hopes that the same thing will happen to Astra, now. 

 

She shakes herself, and smiles softly at Cat. She nods. ‘Yeah, I think so’. 

 

She sees a glimmer of relief in the woman’s eyes, before she turns back to her work. ‘Good’, she says, the curve of her smile visible through her hair, ‘I’m glad’. 

 

Alex’s smile widens. She brushes her hand against Cat’s shoulder as she stands. She is immensely grateful for these two people, for these two pieces of the family they’ve all made together. It makes her feel warm and full, to know that they came here of their own volition, just because they were worried for them, worried because they knew about the mental strain of the last week, and wanted to check that everything was okay. 

 

Hank hands her a cup of coffee, and she leans against the counter beside him. ‘So how did you manage this?’

 

Hank shrugs. ‘I’m entitled to sick days, you know’. Alex likes seeing Hank outside the DEO, because his grim facade has no place here. The man smiles, and it is wide and easy, rather than the small flickers of amusement he is forced to contain at headquarters. ‘I left Lucy in charge’. 

 

‘Ah, well, if there is a disaster, the world is in good hands’. Alex’s grin fades a little, and she shifts so that her arm is pressed against his. Her voice is less teasing and more sincere when she says, ‘thank you. Really, for this’. 

 

Hank chuckles, glancing down at the coffee cradled in her hands. ‘For coffee? I haven’t even offered you breakfast yet’. 

 

‘No, just… for being here’.

 

Hank wraps his arm around her shoulders and gives her a squeeze. He is silent for a moment, before saying quietly, ‘they are alright, aren’t they?’

 

Alex sighs, leaning her head against his shoulder. ‘Yeah, they’re alright. Last night was… painful, but I think it was needed. They’ll be fine’. 

 

Hank is silent for a long moment. Then he says, ‘and you?’

 

Alex presses the cup of coffee against her chest, letting it warm her. She listens to the scratch of Cat's pen, and watches the small black cat move in circles between her legs. She takes a moment to absorb these mundane, familiar things. She smiles. ‘Yeah. I will be’. 

 

She tells herself that everything is going to be okay, and for the first time since the incident with the red kryptonite, since guilt and terror and hurt, she believes it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so once again i misjudged how long this section of the story would be and, once again, there is still more of the story to go whoops
> 
> okay so this chapter is pretty important to me and i hope of executed it well? because i think that Astra would carry quite a lot of guilt about Krypton in the same way that Kara carried a lot of anger. and i'm not saying that Astra never grieved, because I'm sure she did, but this whole thing is kinda meant to be similar to the way Kara raged that time that led to her losing her powers. idk it is just important to me and the development of Astra as a whole. also this is the reason all that suffering happened in the last chapter so i hope you're all pleased with the resolution of that.
> 
> again, time wise, the thing with Bizarro and Silver Banshee and the Flash happened while Astra was off hunting Mur.
> 
> we're really reaching the end now, and I do think its only going to be one more chapter. for those of you that are interested, i have just published another Supergirl fic called 'in your eyes' if you feel like you need more. as always, let me know what you think, and suggestions for the final are welcome :)
> 
> also, if you want to come say hi, i am on tumblr @foxx-queen :)


	8. Chapter 8

Time passes, and things get better. 

 

By the time Alex is finally able to move without any of her wounds bothering her, by the time she’s back at full health and has finally returned to the field, they all seem to be healing. 

 

Kara no longer looks at Astra with guilt burning in her eyes. She no longer reaches for her aunt with a hesitant slowness, as she did for a while, as if she believed that Astra would shy away from her. She looks at her instead with that bright affection, with love and awe, as if she can’t quite believe how strong Astra was for so long, as if she’s proud and relieved that she finally allowed herself to grieve, properly. 

 

Astra’s smiles become easy again. The sadness that had become glaring, that had become painfully visible, like cracks at the corners of her eyes, fades, and after a while, seems to vanish entirely. It is still there, when someone mentions Krypton, when her thoughts sometimes stray, but it is no longer a permanent presence behind her eyes. 

 

The rhythm they found before the incident with Lord returns, but it is different. It is better, somehow, because now, Alex knows that the infection is gone. The intense guilt that was stuck like a splinter deep under Astra’s skin has eased, has faded, and maybe one day it will go entirely. 

 

She goes back into the field, goes back to her regular rhythm (it is such a relief to be get out of her lab, to get back to what she was trained for, to exercising, to sparring with Astra again, to helping Kara improve), but she is aware of the differences. 

 

Lucy is a welcome addition to their team. She handles the transition with grace and ease, and since volunteering to be Astra’s handler for that one mission that went wrong, she’s stayed in that position. She and Astra get along surprisingly well, and Astra regards the youngest Lane with a respect that few have earned. They are surprisingly alike, Alex finds herself thinking sometimes, women who went into the military in an attempt to earn respect for themselves, who wanted to do good, who have lost something personal to them in the attempt. 

 

Lucy becomes a part of their team, and not long later, a legal member of their family. Somewhere along the way, she becomes a friend, too. Perhaps it is because she too understands the feeling of needing, of wanting, to make her parents proud, of following in her father’s footsteps, and of losing him. 

 

It is Alex, not Kara, who is the first to hear of Lucy’s engagement to James. She doesn’t squeal. Kara does that enough for both of them, when she does find out. 

 

There are other, little changes. Their sleeping habits change. After so long being forced to sleep on her back, to attempt to stay still in her sleep for fear of aggravating her wounds, Alex stops sleeping spread eagled. She sleeps flat on her back with her legs tangled with Astra’s, or curled onto her side, and she stops waking with an ache in her neck. 

 

Astra no longer sleeps rigidly, her arms stiff by her sides, but gravitates towards Alex in the night, curling up around her or into her side, her arms wrapped around her waist, her nose pressed into her neck. Alex often wakes up with her face tucked against Astra’s shoulder, her lips against to her collarbone, a hand caught between them, another against her back, their legs tangled, pressed close even in sleep. 

 

Astra sleeps more deeply, like that, and Alex wonders whether the way she used to sleep was an old defence mechanism, a way of preventing herself from becoming too vulnerable. Alex likes to think of it as a sign that the things that happened to her in Fort Rozz are becoming distant memories. It always makes her smile, as she presses kisses along Astra’s collarbone to stir her slowly to consciousness, it makes her heart warm, and she can think of no better way to start the day.  

 

Their relationship is different, now that its not a secret. Its easier, with Kara knowing. It feels better, and Alex feels like a weight she previously hadn’t been aware of has lifted from her shoulders. 

 

Somehow, Kara knowing is like the final piece, like a blessing she'd been securely waiting for. Its nice, the smiles Kara throws them, the way she bumps her hip against Alex’s sometimes and sends her stumbling into Astra. Its nice, not having to worry about being walked in on, or having to worry about finding time for themselves. She finds it amusing too, the way Kara wrinkles her nose when she hears something that she wished she hadn’t. 

 

Hank looks more relaxed at their gatherings, too, now that he doesn’t have to keep their secret for them. He smiles at them, at Alex, like he is happy for them, like he approves, and it is an acceptance that Alex knows she will never get from her own mother. He becomes more open in his distaste when he hears Alex’s thoughts, during those times when he and Astra cook together for all of them (it is a tradition, now, as anticipated as cultural night or game night, and Alex loves these traditions she’s formed with her friends, with her family, these things that belong to all of them, and them alone), and Alex finds herself thinking of bare limbs and twisted sheets when she watches Astra bend to lean on the counter. He will stop what he is doing, and give her a very pointed look, and sometimes he’ll say,  _focus, Danvers,_ and Astra always laughs at her mortification. 

 

Cat is a whole other level. She gives them pointed looks and knowing smiles, even in entirely innocent situations, and seems to make every attempt she can to embarrass them. Or Alex, really, as Astra is generally able to disguise any embarrassment, and sometimes Cat’s references or innuendoes pass straight over her head. Alex thinks its partly because the woman hasn’t forgiven them for adopting a cat, or for the fact that because they couldn’t think of a name, they’ve simply taken to calling it The Cat, which is shortened to cat, or kitty, and sometimes Cat’s eye twitches when she hears it. 

 

Cat and Kara’s relationship seems to be constantly evolving, too. After what happened with Lord, and what happened with Livewire and Silver Banshee only a few weeks later, when Alex was still confined to the hospital, and Astra was away, it seems to hit Kara how fragile things are, how things can change so quickly. It is the same realisation that Alex reached months ago, and one that led her to kiss Astra in the open space of her kitchen. The two women start spending more time together outside their little family gatherings, time with Cat’s sons, and time solely to themselves. Alex honestly doesn’t know how they manage to do it so frequently, to find so much time, considering how busy Cat always is, and how much Kara has to do, in CatCo, and as Supergirl. She claims Astra’s assistance is a blessing, and sometimes Astra takes over entirely, to help Kara balance her duel lives. There is always some one to save, someone to stop, but they make it work. They all make it work, together. They do their jobs, they do the things they love, and they find time for each other. 

 

One day, when Alex has a day off (something that was Hank’s doing, this occasional required break, and at first she hated the idea, but she’s come to sincerely enjoy it, now) Astra comes home, and says simply, ‘I want to show you something’. 

 

She looks up at her, sees that she’s shifting from foot to foot, her expression torn between anxiety and expectation, a look that she’s never seen from the woman, and says, ‘sure’. 

 

Astra takes her to Kara’s apartment, and into her spare room, into the room Astra once occupied as Kara’s roommate. There is a bed sheet covering one wall, opposite the windows, pined in both top corners, and Alex sits on the bed and watches Astra open the blinds, watches her float up of the ground towards the ceiling, to pull the pins from the wall. She hasn’t said a word about why they’re there, or why there is a sheet covering the wall, or why she looks both nervous and determined. 

 

Astra takes a deep breath, and lets the sheet fall from the wall. It flutters down slowly, and by the time it has pooled on the floor, Alex has risen to feet, staring in open astonishment.

 

The wall is covered in detailed drawings, pages and pages carefully torn from Astra’s sketchbook, pages that overlap at the corners, at the edges, creating a collage that extends from the floor to ceiling, from wall to wall. Alex recalls all the mornings she’s woken up to the rhythmic scratching of pencil on paper, the evenings Astra has sat on the balcony with her sketchbook on her knee, but still, the sheer number of works is unexpected. Alex steps forward slowly, trying to take in as much of the collage as she can, but there is so much to look at, curves of a landscape she’s never seen before and intricate lines of buildings that she tries to follow with her eyes alone. She doesn’t want to touch any of it, doesn’t want to risk smudging the twisting lines and soft shading. 

 

There are faces there, too, in the centre, and she recognises Kara, when she was a child, her head bowed slightly, a soft, shy smile curving her mouth. There is a man she doesn’t recognise, who she can only assume is Kara’s father, smiling with what might be pride. 

 

Astra is there, too, close to the young Kara, her head tilted back, her lips parted in a joyful smile that seems to give life to her face, and it would be easy to imagine that the sparkle in her eyes is real, not a reflection. 

 

It takes Alex a long moment of staring at the three faces to realise that there is no white streak in Astra's hair. 

 

Oh. 

 

Alex wonders if this is how Astra likes to remember Alura. Smiling, laughing, her head tilted against Kara’s, her arm wrapped around her shoulders, with joy in her face and love in her eyes.

 

‘What… what is this?’ she asks, even though she knows that her suspicions are correct, that each individual, overlapping fragment comes together to create a whole, a piece of a world that died long, long ago, and a family that was lost with it. 

 

‘Krypton’. Astra’s voice is soft, a hint of melancholy and longing, and Alex reaches back without thinking, and only has to wait a moment before she feels Astra’s palm slide against her own. The woman steps up beside her, and Alex tears her eyes away from the overlapping pieces, the overlapping memories, to look at her, at the strong, beautiful line of her profile. 

 

Astra sighs, lifting her hand to hover over the images, a faint smile softening her mouth. ‘Did I ever tell you that I couldn’t… I couldn’t remember Krypton during my time in Fort Rozz? I couldn’t think of it without seeing Alura’s face. These’, she flickers her hand, as if it isn’t clear, ‘I never saw them, when I thought of my home. I saw Alura, when she begged me to change, when she sentenced me to a life in that place, when -’ she stops, and her jaw works like she’s trying to hold back tears, to work through the emotion clogging her voice, and Alex squeezes her hand tightly and runs her thumb across the back of her hand until the woman breathes more evenly. ‘I was angry, and Fort Rozz twisted anything else until it was too painful to recall. And when I came here… Krypton was gone, and I could only think of its loss. I could only think of Kara, and that she was gone, and that I’d failed to save her, that I’d failed all of them’. 

 

She takes a deep, steadying breath, and closes her eyes briefly. Alex has known for a long time that even though Kara isn’t dead, the thought that she’d perished is still a painful one. ‘For so long, all I could see was what my anger and my grief conjured. They were not pleasant images’. 

 

Alex lets go of Astra’s hand, steps up behind her, and wraps her arms around her waist, propping her chin on her shoulder. It is not much, but she senses that Astra needs grounding, needs something, that the memories that still sometimes threaten to drown her are rising quickly to the surface. Astra lifts her hands and links their fingers together over her stomach, and Alex lets herself believe that it helps. ‘Where did all this come from, then?’ 

 

Astra takes another deep breath, and there is a strange reverence to her voice when she speaks again. ‘It came from Kara’. She pauses, and squeezes Alex’s fingers almost too tightly. ‘It came from you’. 

 

Alex blinks, staring at Astra’s face from an angle that makes her go cross-eyed. ‘What?’

 

‘I never… I never lost these memories. They were always there. But they were buried under anger and grief and I couldn’t remember them when all I could think of was how I’d failed to save my home. And then I found out that Kara was alive, and I let her faith in me affect my decisions, and I listened to your ideas for a truce. I let myself be swayed from a path I’d treaded for years. Being with Kara again, after so long… loving her became more than a memory. It became  _real_ again. I was suddenly able to remember moments with her with startling clarity, and it was like… a tether. I began to recall other things that weren’t tainted by the person I’d let myself become’. 

 

She turns in Alex’s arms then, pulling her hands away to bring them up to rest against Alex’s face, thumbs smoothing over her cheekbones. Astra likes to touch her face, likes to trace the line of her jaw and the hollows beneath her cheekbones, as if she wants to commit it to memory. ‘There is something I must say, Alex’. Her eyes are warm with what Alex might have once called simple affection, but she remembers Kara’s words,  _she loves you,_  and swallows. There is a tightness in her chest, a flutter beneath her ribs, as if all the things she knows about Astra, all the things she’s collected like precious treasures, are responding to the expression in the woman’s eyes, to the confession caught on her tongue. 

 

Alex clears her throat and says, ‘I’m listening’, and it comes out as something soft and tender, and she’s glad of it, because Astra rarely talks about this in detail, these painful memories that simmer beneath the surface, and the sadness that comes with them. 

 

‘This planet is not my own. During my time here, I’ve felt adrift. Out of place. I was determined to save this world because I failed my own, but it was never home to me’. She frowns slightly, that familiar, hollow sadness darkening her eyes, and Alex tightens her arms, shifting her hands so that they rest against Astra’s skin, beneath the loose shirt. ‘Kara became my only true tether to this world. And I  _have_  found a home, now. It is Kara. It is you’. She lowers her hand to Alex’s chest, over her heart, and her words are clear and strong despite the flicker of insecurity in her eyes. ‘It is here’. 

 

Alex wonders when they, two soldiers who started on opposite sides of a war, cynical because of how their lives had changed them, became almost romantics. Who became this: Alex with the collected memories stored beside her heart, Astra who presses her hand to Alex’s chest and declares her home. 

 

Astra, with love in her eyes, and Alex, with a confession caught on her tongue. 

 

She wonders how, despite everything about them that is complicated, beneath all the history and the things that they have done that have made them who they are, beneath their love for Kara that originally brought them together, it has come down to a simple truth, now. 

 

Alex kisses Astra, like she can draw courage from the touch of the woman’s lips against her own, and when she pulls back, she takes a deep breath, and says, finally, ‘you know I love you, right?’

 

Astra’s smile is as blinding as the sun. ‘I know, Alex’. She draws her into a hug, and presses her lips against her temple. ‘I love you, too’. 

 

Alex has known it for a long time, known since Kara told her, but it is a whole other thing to hear the words aloud. She smiles, gazing over Astra’s shoulder at the work adorning the wall, and soaks in the feeling. Astra’s lips skim the shell of her ear when she says, ‘does that scare you, Alex?’

 

Alex wonders how long Astra has known about how she really feels, and thinks it is a mark of how well they know each other that the woman knew that the thought of being loved, wholly and without reservation, terrified her. But standing there in the woman’s arms, with a wall of her memories laid out before her, and a confirmation ringing in her ears, Alex realises that she is not afraid, anymore, and she’s not sure when that shift happened. ‘No. Not anymore’. 

 

Astra chuckles quietly, her hands combing through Alex’s hair, pressing against the small of her back, flittering across her skin in a way that is really,  _really_ distracting. ‘Would it surprise you to learn that it scares me?’

 

Alex blinks, because that does surprise her. She knows that there are things that scare Astra, that she’s terrified of losing the people that she loves, especially now, after Alex’s heart stopped on the operating table, with the memory of what she had to do to save Kara from the red kryptonite still raw, but this confession surprises her. ‘Why?’

 

Astra pulls back, and her hands don’t stop moving, her fingers pushing up underneath her shirt and up her spine, tracing the lines of her ribs and the curves of her hips, as if the woman needs to ground herself. Alex is tempted to just take her shirt off, but that will undoubtedly lead to other things, and right now she just wants to hear what Astra is trying to tell her. 

 

‘There are things that terrify me, Alex. The thought of losing Kara, and the thought of losing you. They must not surprise you. But this…I have never felt like this before. It is like nothing I have ever known and I do not know what to do about it. I have ruined… many things in my life. This? The thought of ruining this terrifies me’. She laughs softly, and shrugs slightly. ‘I have no idea what I’m doing, Alex’. 

 

Alex reaches up and cups Astra’s jaw. When she meets her eyes, Alex smiles. ‘Neither do I, Astra’. She kisses her quickly, and lets her lips linger against Astra’s soft cheek. ‘But you know what? I think we’re doing fine’. 

 

Astra laughs, and her hands slide up beneath Alex’s shirt to press against her shoulder blades and pull her closer. They kiss in the golden light spilling through the windows, highlighting the dust spinning around them and the twisting lines of a world that died long, long ago. 

 

Alex is the one to pull back, because her neck feels hot and Astra’s hands are still moving over her skin, and they’re still in Kara’s apartment. ‘I do have a question, Astra. Why is this here?'

 

‘It is a gift, for Kara. But I wanted to show you first’. The woman presses an open mouthed kiss to her neck, just under her jaw, and hums. ‘She’s working, but she’ll be home in a couple of hours’. 

 

Alex tilts her head back and threads her fingers through Astra’s hair. ‘That’s… a long time’. 

 

Astra hums again, and Alex realises that yes, the woman knew  _exactly_  what she was doing. She laughs, but she chokes on the sound when Astra bites down at the junction of her neck and shoulder. ‘And you always say that I have a one track mind’. 

 

Astra presses kisses across her collar bone, a trail of teeth and tongue and heat. ‘What is the phrase? You have ‘rubbed off’ on me?’

 

‘Stop talking, Astra’. 

 

Astra kisses her fiercely, and hums against her lips, and as Alex slips her hands beneath her shirt, against the strong muscles of her stomach, she marvels at how quickly the warmth that is always between them can shift to crackling heat. 

 

Alex presses her lips to all the places where the sun kisses Astra’s skin, and repeats the words that terrified her for so long, just for the sake of hearing them aloud. 

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

 

Kara cries when Astra shows her the wall, and Alex sits on the bed and watches Kara flit from one image to the next, her feet barely touching the floor, darting from the wall and back to embrace Astra, and she can’t stop thanking her. 

 

She lingers for a long, long time over the portrait of her parents, and herself, her fingers hovering over her mother’s face, and somehow, Alex feels like the moment is too private to observe, even if she can’t really see Kara’s face. She chooses instead to watch Astra, to look at the smile curving her lips, the faint gleam of tears in her eyes, but she doesn’t look grief stricken. She doesn’t look lost. She looks incredibly proud. 

 

‘Your mother would be so proud of you, Little One’, she says softly. ‘I don’t think she could have predicted how great you would become. If she could see you now, she would be awed’. 

 

Kara flies at Astra and hugs her so tightly that Alex knows that if Astra was human, there would be broken bones. As it is, Astra is the only person who Kara can hug without reservation, and Astra hugs her back with the same strength, and Alex feels a glowing warmth in her heart as she watches them. 

 

‘Thank you’, Kara says when she pulls back, in the language that belongs to the world Astra has brought to life on the wall behind them, tears trailing down her cheeks, but her smile is wide and full and blinding, ‘thank you, Astra’. 

 

‘You are very welcome, Little One’. 

 

Kara’s tears fall, gleaming in the sunlight, and for the first time in a long, long time, they are not tears of despair. 

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

 

 

As Alex predicted, Eliza seems far happier about Kara’s relationship with Cat than she does about Alex and Astra. She doesn’t explicitly disapprove, but Alex recognises the look in her mother’s eyes, in the slight purse of her lips. 

 

It makes her feel as awful as it always has, but she tries to hide how much it bothers her. 

 

It is late in the afternoon of the day of their visit, and Alex is standing on the veranda of her childhood home, watching Eliza walking across the lawn to where Astra stands close to the lake’s edge. ‘I should warn her’. 

 

Kara drapes an arm around her shoulders. ‘We’re aliens, Alex. She can hear her coming’. 

 

Alex shoots her a horrified glance. ‘You don’t think Astra planned this, do you?’

 

Kara shifts from foot to foot, and sighs. ‘This is my aunt we’re talking about. The feared General. The ruthless eco-terrorist. So yeah, its a possibility. She knows about how Eliza makes you feel sometimes’. 

 

Alex presses a hand to her face and suppresses a groan. ‘Did you have to mention Astra’s former occupation?’

 

Kara nudges her hip. ‘She already read Cat’s article, Alex. I think she actually likes Astra’. She glances at Alex’s skeptical expression. ‘Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have used the word ‘terrorist’. But at least I distracted her from the fact that you nearly died that time. By the way, she’s not happy about how much you downplayed how serious it was’.

 

‘I had enough people hovering over me without Mom’s unique blend of concern and disappointment’. 

 

Kara draws her into a quick, tight hug. ‘Eliza loves you, Alex’. 

 

Alex pulls away and leans against the beam, shaking her head slightly. She doesn’t know if there is any point in explaining to Kara that the fact that Eliza loves her does not make it better. It almost makes it worse. Kara tilts her head to the side suddenly, and widens her eyes slightly. Alex glances quickly towards her mother and Astra, but from this distance, she can’t hear anything, and both of them are facing the lake. ‘What, whats happening?’

 

‘Umm…I’ll be right back’. 

 

Alex watches Kara walk quickly towards the two women, lets her face fall into her hands, and groans audibly. 

 

‘Mothers are never easy, are they?’

 

Cat steps up beside her, and hands her a generously full glass of wine. Alex takes it from her with a grateful smile. ‘You are a godsend, Cat’. 

 

‘I’ve been told as much’. 

 

Cat leans on the rail beside her, cradling her own glass in her hands. Alex watches this woman who has become her friend, instead of the three standing by the lake. She frowns slightly. ‘Kara said that your mother didn’t approve of a relationship with your assistant’. 

 

‘Yes well, my mother has never been exactly pleased with my achievements’.

 

‘Does she know that you’re literally known as the Queen of All Media?’

 

Cat’s smile is a small one. She shakes her head. ‘There’s always more I could be doing’. She looks at Alex, and her smile softens. ‘It always hurts, Alex, wanting our mothers to be proud of us when they’re not. But our achievements are our own. We made the choices that got us to where we are. We have to learn to be proud of ourselves’.

 

Alex blinks. The words strike a cord within her, and she finds herself smiling. ‘You make it sound easy’. 

 

‘It is never easy’. She looks down into her glass, and shakes her head slightly. ‘Nothing worth doing is ever easy, but there are people who make it easier, Alex. And I think you already know that’. 

 

Alex leans her elbows on the railing beside Cat, and gazes up at the clear, pale blue sky. She smiles. ‘Do you ever wonder how we got here?’

 

Beside her, Cat chuckles softly. ‘Your sister fell from the sky’. 

 

Alex laughs, and clinks her glass against Cat’s. ‘To Kara, then’.

 

Cat is right. It all comes down to Kara. Kara, a beautiful, wonderfully good person, a young woman with a piece of the sun contained within her rib cage that shines out in her smiles. Kara brought them all together, and they forged their own ties, their own relationships, spanning out from the glowing centre of the singularity that is Alex’s sister. 

 

Alex loves her sister more than she can describe, and she knows that both Cat and Astra understand the feeling as if it is their own. 

 

Later, when dusk is creeping up on them, changing the sky to a myriad of colours before darkness draws a blanket of stars over them in its wake, Eliza joins her on the veranda. She sits down close to her, and rests her hands on her knees. Alex tries not to shift away, because she can already sense what is coming. 

 

‘So’, Eliza says after a long silence, and Alex knows that tone, ‘you and Astra’.

 

Alex grits her teeth, and tries to ignore the sudden burn behind her eyes. ‘Is there a question there?’ 

 

‘I just… I was wondering how it happened. It can’t have been easy. I mean, she’s Kara’s aunt’. 

 

‘And we’re not related. Kara doesn’t have a problem with it, and she’s the only one who would have the right to’. The warning in her voice is clear, but she knows it won’t deter her mother. Eliza will say what she wants to say, because she’s never held back before. 

 

‘Weren’t you enemies at one point? Didn’t she fight Kara across National City?’

 

‘You read Cat’s article, Mom. That should tell you all you need to know’. 

 

‘How did it happen? How did you end up in a relationship with a former eco-terrorist?’ 

 

Alex has the urge to scream. Instead, she takes a deep breath, and says softly, ‘I love her, Mom. That should be all that matters’. 

 

For a long time, Eliza says nothing. When she does, her voice is soft and curious, not judgemental, not disappointed, a sudden, abrupt change that nearly makes Alex look at her, but she doesn’t. ‘Can I ask you one more question, Alex?’ 

 

Alex nearly scoffs. Saying no probably wouldn’t stop her. ‘Yeah’. 

 

‘Despite the history-’, Eliza stops suddenly. She sighs heavily, and then says quietly, ‘you’re happy, then?’ 

 

Alex blinks, thrown. ‘What?’

 

‘You’re happy, with Astra?’

 

‘Yeah, Mom. I am’. She tries not to sound as exasperated as she feels. She’s already told her mother that she loves her. How much more specific does she need to get?

 

Eliza lets out another long sigh, reaches over, and covers her hand with her own. ‘Okay’.

 

‘Okay?’

 

‘I’ve spent a long time thinking about that discussion we had, Alex. And I’ve been thinking about how I’ve always asked you to protect Kara. Astra… she told me that you believe that out of everyone, Kara deserves to be happy’. Alex glances at her mother, finally, and Eliza is smiling, her eyes warm with a kind of affection that Alex is used to seeing directed solely at Kara. ‘I wanted to tell you that you deserve that, too. I want what is best for you, and if Astra can give you that, then… I am happy for you’. 

 

Alex says nothing to that. She says nothing, because she feels almost like she’s been hit over the back of her head. 

 

It does not excuse how her mother makes her feel sometimes, it does not erase years of feeling like she was not good enough, or the weight of responsibility on her shoulders that she’s lived with for half her life. 

 

But it is something. It is a kind of acceptance that she'd thought her mother would never give her. 

 

It is a start. 

 

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

 

 

Later, Astra wraps her arms around her, and takes them from her childhood home. She flies them into the hills, to a place so quiet that Alex could easily imagine that they are the only two people in the world. 

 

Astra takes her in her arms and presses kisses to her face, to her forehead and her cheeks and the edge of her jaw, before pressing their foreheads together. Alex slides her hand into the woman’s hair and holds her there, her other hand resting against her neck. Astra’s voice is soft when she says, ‘are you alright?’ 

 

Alex swallows tightly. She takes a deep breath in, and lets it out slowly. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I think I am. My mother… at least she’s trying’. 

 

Astra hums, pulling Alex closer until she’s practically sitting in the older woman’s lap. She presses her lips to Alex’s collarbone, to her neck and shoulder, a warm pressure through the fabric of her shirt, and as she does, Alex feels the tension ease. She breathes deeply, focusing on Astra’s lips and hands, her fingers tracing her ribs, and the anxiety and stress and insecurity that always follows interactions with her mother drains from her. 

 

She combs a hand through Astra’s thick curls, and says quietly, strangely affected by the silence of the world around them, ‘what did you say to her, exactly? Kara looked almost panicked’. 

 

‘I told her that you are brave and strong and resourceful and you have taken care of Kara since you were twelve, which is a responsibility no child should be given. I told her that so much of who Kara is today can be attributed to the fact that you are her sister. I told her that you deserve better than endless criticism and expectation. I told her that Kara might be a hero to National City, but you are hers. Your mother should not treat you as anything less’. Astra punctuates each statement with a gentle press of her lips, and Alex takes a shuddering breath. 

 

‘Oh’, she says, very quietly, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. She takes those words, those things that Astra said as if they are undeniable facts, and tucks them into her chest, holds them close and precious to her heart, and maybe one day she will be able to remember them without doubting their truths. 

 

Astra holds her for a long time, until Alex shifts off her lap, and sits beside her. She leans her head against her shoulder, and murmurs, ‘thank you’, and god, she means it more than those two words can articulate. 

 

But Astra presses her lips to her forehead again, like she understands anyway, and they lapse into comfortable silence, gazing up at the stars. Her heart feels very full, and despite the chill to the air, she is not cold. Not with Astra pressed against her side, and her unshakeable faith filling her until it spills into her very bones. 

 

After a moment, Astra says, ‘I have something for you, Alex’. 

 

Alex watches as Astra reaches into her pocket, and pulls out a small, paper bag. She hands it to Alex, and when Alex turns it upside down, a ring falls into her open palm, and Alex momentarily stops breathing. 

 

It is a simple ring, a smooth band, and in the darkness, she cannot tell exactly what colour it is, but she thinks it might be silver. She can see the stars reflected in the metal, thousands of tiny dots that shine so brightly the band itself seems black, as if the entire universe is contained in this thin, cool band. It is beautiful, in its simplicity, in the way it reflects the stars, and Alex finds that her heart is beating very hard. 

 

‘Is this not what your people do, when they love someone?’ Astra looks anxious now, at her silence, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. ‘Or did I misunderstand that?’

 

Alex swallows with some difficulty, her heart slowing, because at Astra’s words, she realises that marriage is certainly not her intention. ‘Umm… no, Astra, its just -’ 

 

‘Do you not like it?’

 

Alex chuckles softly, and shakes her head. She wraps her arm around Astra’s neck and kisses her softly. ‘No’, she murmurs against the woman’s cheek, ‘no, I love it’. 

 

She feels Astra’s smile, and she wonders what the woman thinks of the sudden elevation to her heart rate. She leans her head against Astra’s shoulder, and slides the ring onto the middle finger of her left hand. 

 

Maybe one day she will tell Astra the part that she was missing from her understanding. 

 

But for now, they lie back under the stars, and Alex intertwines their fingers. The ring is cool against the warmth of their joined hands, and Alex leans up on her elbow to look down at Astra. She kisses her forehead, and lets her lips linger there. ‘I don’t have anything for you, Astra’. 

 

Astra chuckles, reaching up with her other hand to cup Alex’s jaw. There are a thousand stars reflected in the gleam of her eyes, like the expanse of space is contained in her bones, like there is stardust in her veins. She curls her fingers in Alex’s hair, and pulls her down to kiss her again. Heat spikes low in her belly, and Alex is the first to pull away. She always is, because she always needs to breathe first. Astra smooths her thumb across Alex’s cheekbone, and says softly, ‘you are enough, Alex. You always have been’. 

 

Sometimes Alex wonders how Astra always knows what to say, beyond this moment, whether she knows exactly how she felt after her conversation with her mother. Even if it was fine, considering, even if it was almost good, she always feels that twinge, that voice that always sounds like her mother, that tells her that she is not good enough. 

 

She presses kisses to Astra’s skin, to her jaw, and when Astra tilts her head up, Alex lets her lips trail down her neck. Astra hums softly, curling her fingers in her hair again. ‘There is something that puzzles me, Alex, about your world’s common love stories’. 

 

‘And what is that?’ Alex lets her kisses become more heated, teeth nipping her collarbone. 

 

Astra’s breath hitches, but she goes on, unwilling as always to let go of her curiosity. ‘Why is it, that in all your famous tales of romance, they have what are called, ‘happy endings’?’ 

 

Alex blinks, and lifts her head. ‘You’ve been reading fairy tales?’ 

 

Astra’s fingers are stroking through her hair, massaging the base of her skull. ‘Is that what they are called?’ She shakes her head, and fixes Alex with an inquisitive look. ‘But why are they called that? In my experience, endings are never happy’. 

 

There is that wistful tone in her voice, that old sorrow, but that hollow look has not returned to her eyes. Alex likes to think that it never will. Krypton will always be a wound, will always be an old hurt. But Alex thinks that perhaps it is healing, now. Alex kisses her again, and then says, ‘why do you ask?’

 

Astra hums again, a vibration against Alex’s lips where they rest on her throat. ‘This’, she says softly, and Alex lifts her head to look at her, recognising the serious tone to her voice, ‘I heard what you said to your mother, Alex. And I wanted you to know that… I am happy, too’. Her smile is quick and almost wondrous, as if it is something she never thought she’d have. ‘I am not sure if I deserve it, after all I have done, but I believe that I have never been happier’. 

 

‘You do, Astra’, she says, shifting so that they are pressed impossibly close in the dark, like she can take the conviction in her heart and press it into Astra’s skin. ‘You do’. 

 

Astra smiles faintly, and wraps her arm around Alex’s back. It is something Alex has started doing, since that night when Astra broke down in her apartment, with Kara’s words breaking away her last defences, and revealed how truly guilty she felt. Whenever she hears the doubt, she does her best to reassure Astra that she’s wrong. That she deserves happiness as much as the next person. Sometimes, she thinks it works. Astra leans up and presses her lips to the curve of Alex’s jaw. ‘So do you, Alex’, she says, a whisper, a reassurance, an affirmation, and Alex wonders whether she’ll ever get used to how much she loves this woman. 

 

Alex laughs softly. ‘What has this got to do with fairy tales?'

 

Astra frowns slightly, running her hand up and down Alex’s back, slipping her fingers underneath the hem of her shirt to press against her skin, a distraction, and says softly, ‘I do not like to think of this as an ending’. 

 

Alex stares at her for a long moment. She thinks that she understands exactly what the woman means. She leans down, and presses their foreheads together. ‘Its not’.

 

Astra looks deadly serious, like she’s trying to work something out. Her fingers are still moving over Alex’s skin, leaving fire trailing in their wake, and the embers low in her stomach are burning hotter. She moves her own hand, pressing it against the smooth skin of Astra’s stomach, curving her fingers over the woman’s hip, and Astra seems to jolt. Her smile is knowing, but she looks like she’s come to an understanding when she says softly, ‘perhaps a happy beginning would be a more appropriate phrase?’

 

Alex laughs, letting the sound roll off her tongue and into the clear, crisp night. The band of her ring gleams when she lifts her hand to cup Astra’s cheek again. ‘To happy beginnings, then’. 

 

Astra’s hand slides up her spine to curve against her shoulder, exposing her skin to the night, and it is a shock, the contrast of cool air against searing body heat, and Alex shifts her hand up higher beneath Astra’s shirt, and kisses her deeply. 

 

They are alone, for what feels like miles and miles, with nothing but silvery moonlight washing over their skin, cocooned in a blanket of a thousand glittering stars, and Alex presses her lips to Astra’s skin and whispers that she loves her in a language that is not her own. Astra shudders beneath her, her fingers pressing against her back, against her shoulder blades, her hands burning like brands on her skin, pulling her so close that it is like she’s trying to press them together, to mould them into one.

 

Alex kisses her with the expanse of space caressing their skin, and thinks suddenly of all the other worlds on all the other planets out there, hidden among the stars, far beyond their line of sight. She thinks of all those lives, all those thousands and thousands of lives, those tiny, individual worlds spinning around each other and interweaving in that silken blanket of glittering, distant fires, and she thinks of the fact that out of all those lives, and out of all those possibilities and coincidences, all those flickers of fate or chance or luck, she is here, on a world that is as beautiful as it is flawed, and that she has this. 

 

She has Kara and Astra, and Hank and Cat. 

 

She is in love. 

 

And she is  _happy_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, thats all folks. 
> 
> I can’t believe I’ve actually finished this. What a ride. This was hard to write, probably for a few reasons (me, finishing a WIP? What an abstract concept), and endings are really difficult to write without making them too cheesy. Was this cheesy? Absolutely. Emphasis on Alex being happy because I have a lot of feelings about Alex, and about how unhappy she seems sometimes, and about how much better she deserves than constant criticism. This is pretty much as close to writing ‘and they lived happily ever after’ I could get without writing it ahaha. 
> 
> I like to think that Alex goes on to wear that ring around her neck, because it could potentially get in the way during missions. Oh and, you didn’t think that I’d drop that detail about Astra learning she could draw really well and then leave it at that?
> 
> For those of you who are sad to see this go, I do have some good news. Aside from finishing my wings!fic (which will update this weekend), I have another, rather extensive fix-it fic in the words. For those of you who are not aware of it, it will revolve around the final, and the premise is that it is Alura who is in that pod, and Astra is alive in Project Cadmus. Its gonna be painful, but I’m quite excited to write it. Nothing has been written yet, but I have done a lot of planning, and I hope to publish it soon. 
> 
> Thank you to all of you who have read and reviewed this, and I hope you enjoyed the process as much as I did. If there was ever anything you wanted to say, I would love to hear it, and I would love to hear how you felt about this last chapter!! 
> 
> If you want to chat more about this, or just about Supergirl in general, you’re welcome to come say on tumblr @foxx-queen :)
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for reading!


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